I got me🤞🏻

But herself

Is the way

She'll remain

With the look of innocence

As she dances in the rain

But you just know

Theres wildfire

Running through her veins

Reach for her if you dare

But she'll slip right through

Your fingertips like thin air

Hoping to find my home

A place that was safe

And i could set all my worries aside

Somewhere that was bright enough

To help fix my vision

When i could no longer see the light

It wasn't until she went to rest in paradise

That i realized it was my lovely mother

Who i had been describing

And had been my home the entire time

Almost as if i had arrived

Just a few minutes sooner

I would have caught you

Before you stepped out of the room

Shattered right in front of my feet

When the woman who gave me life

Took her last breath way before her time

Time froze still

But yet the clocks kept ticking

Tears rolling down everyone's cheeks

As i stood there in complete disbelief

People were repeatedly saying things like

"she's no longer with us" and "may she find peace"

But these words weren't registering to me

As if English I could no longer speak

Already halfway out the door

searching for Mother

Shattered right in front of my feet

When the woman who gave me life

Took her last breath way before her time

Time froze still

But yet the clocks kept ticking

Tears rolling down everyone's cheeks

As i stood there in complete disbelief

People were repeatedly saiding things like

"she's no longer with us" and "may she find peace"

But these words weren't registering to me

As if English I could no longer speak

Already halfway out the door

searching for Mother

The way my future brother-in-law

Looks at my little sister

When shes right there beside him

But doing her own thing

Or she's telling the story

Of one of her favorite cherished memories

I'll know i have found the one for me

Or when i love someone the way

My mother loved my father

So immensely it didn't matter the season

I'll know i have found true love

A love so profound and deep

Is what we all set off in this world to seek

Someone to come home to

That restores your peace

By creating a safe place

Allowing you to go through life

At your own pace

That i won't mention your name

You may be physically gone

But your spirit

And the love you left behind

Lives on

Through the poems that i write

Down to how i live my life

All the things i do

Is influenced by you

Everything that i am

Or ever hope to become

Is the result of knowing you

Because i wouldn't be me

If you hadnt been you

Of inside jokes and silly thoughts

When our laughter would fill the air

Now its just me with a paper and pen

Writing to you instead

While silence is all that is there

It helps to let it all out

Putting words to my lonely thoughts

And i start to feel better

Until i remember the horrifying truth

That there is no place

To send these letters to

That could reach you

I always felt like funerals were for the living

Not the dead

Instead we're having a celebration of your life

To focus on the good times instead

Of there will be tears

Because we all miss you Mother dear

But its about celebrating the years

That we were so blessed

How crowded the room

You look at me

And suddenly it's just us two

And i thought with time

My heart would have forgotten

Who it once ached for

But here you stand before me

Offering out your hand

And i cant help but wonder

If we should continue the dance

After looking in the mirror

And seeing my mother's face

Because if i resemble her even a little

Means i contain beauty

In the most angelic kind of way

Its learned behavior

Taught by another disgrace

And in that sense

I begin to forgive you,

Being a victim too,

But for you to know the hurt

And still consciously pass on the pain

Brings me right back to the start

Of hating who you are

Because what you did

Was beyond past inhumane

So ill have to pass on the forgiveness part

Instead ill pray

For shame to be headed your way

And not another young woman

Who'll become a victim of rape

By the hands of your unethical ways

none of it was enough to mend your broken heart, to ease your troubled mind.

To give you back that spark of hope that could have saved your life..

i tried so hard to save you mom but i fell short every time.

And im wise enough to comprehend that it wasnt my fault.

You had sunk too deep for outstretched arms to reach.

But that doesn't ease my pain one bit, this is a heartache that will never be fixed.

As im now forced to go through this life motherless..

though that word i shouldn't approve because your love was so genuine and pure it'll linger around way pass my lifetime.

forever you'll remain flowing through my veins, your beautiful face permanently sketched in my brain.

Ask anyone who ever had the privilege of meeting your precious soul and they'll understand the truth behind these words.

You left behind a mark on every hand youve ever touched and in the minds of all the people you so generously helped.

And if all i ever manage to do with my life is become a woman thats more like you.

Thats plenty enough.

My soul would be pleased and my purpose reached.

I'll be waking up any second now.

I need to talk to you, they're saying crazy things about you.

When i walk into your room and don't see you in your bed, i believe you're in the bathroom.

This terrifying, life shattering image i have of you lying lifeless on a hospital bed must be from a nightmare i recently had.

It might even be someone else's memory altogether, it didn't really look like you anyways.

But i cant seem to find you anywheres.

Drown myself in another

Incapable of taking things slow

I let them become the air I need

In order to survive this terrible world

Just to feel loved