I want to get to the place where I feel okay not needing anybody. And you would think with how things have gone for me I’d be used to being alone by now

I thought that I had made my peace my everything that happened but I kind of just repressed all of it until now. I don’t particularly regret what has happened because I’m a better person for it but I wish I could have learned to be a better person without having to go through so many traumatic experiences. I’m not the type to sit on the thought of “why did this happen to me?” But I do wonder what my life would have been like if maybe I had stuck up for myself more, if I was more eloquent in expressing my thoughts and feelings, if I could have prevented what happened? But me thinking that it was preventable is just me trying to blame myself again. And I’m way past that.

I realized that with all of the fucked up shit thats happened to me in the past, no one has ever defended me. Not even those who I considered close friends. For that to happen to me multiple times with different people has completely affected the way that I interact with large groups of friends or any friends at all. Apologies mean nothing because it shouldn’t have happened in the first place and I feel pathetic for letting it go without people showing me that I truly matter to them and that they believe it shouldn’t have happened and won’t happen again. I’m tired of settling for less than I deserve and it’s hard to stand up for myself when I’m used to letting people do what they want so I can desperately cling onto what little I have. I used to believe that I was too sensitive but really people just kept treating me like less than I deserve and manipulating me into believing that it was my own fault.

hey tumblr me again bak bc I’m depressed and everything is SHITTY like my status if u agree xoxo

I just had the most difficult panic attack and all I want is to fall asleep so it can't happen again but im so restless

talk to me like I'm worth a damn