casey face

i think i need to start keeping a diary and seeing a therapist. any encounter i have with a specific parent of mine leads to a traumatic panic response. i go the whole day feeling a sense of depression and guilt, all of which i know my parent assigned me to get rid of their own depression and guilt. my logical mind knows it is not my fault, and yet i cant help but draw dread continuously from all of our encounters. it's so unhealthy. i need to get well.

been posting a lot to facebook recently because... i dont know. lately every night is a sleepless night. third night in a row where im up past 1am after a 10hr work day. a lot of insomnia and loneliness and lovelessness. i feel like i havent been taken care of lately. it's never about me, and that's usually how i prefer it. but these late late nights and early mornings are making me extremely reflective, which probably makes the staying up worse. sometimes it feels like someone should give a shit about what i need or want for once. it's just hard to feel like youre doing a lot for a lot of people and expecting nothing in return, and then ACTUALLY getting nothing in return. and maybe posting this in the middle of the night on facebook of all places is attention seeking, and maybe i am seeking attention. not attention from EVERYONE or ANYONE. but from someone. maybe. maybe i'll regret all these stupid emotions in the morning and delete this. maybe.

there's honestly nothing more terrifying than loving someone more than they love you

god i miss sex

does anyone still follow me here?

if only u knew how much i am in love with u