Aesthetics

He sees it and hears about it all the time. It’s a couple on the street that look totally head over heels for each other. Or it’s one of his friends wearing a dopey, lovesick expression after a date or simply receiving a text. Or it’s the hundreds of romcoms out there that were surely inspired by something real. He knows others feel it. But every run-in he’s had with love has left him feeling bitter and perhaps sometimes a little more hollow than when he started. 

He met you four years ago. You’re a hopeless romantic and love the idea of dating. He thinks that’s probably one of the reasons why you and San get along so well sometimes - it’s your shared love for love. San has known you for a long time but sort of lost contact when he left home to pursue being an idol. 

Then, one day San was overjoyed to find out that you’d taken a job here in Seoul and he couldn’t wait to reconnect and introduce you to his group members that had become a sort of family away from home. Yunho felt the stirring of something right away when he met you, but couldn’t quite put a name to it. 

You became a fixture in the dorms quickly. There were many nights that they’d come home from a late practice or recording and find you on the couch with some snacks having made yourself comfortable while waiting for them. Not a single one of them would ever say anything about it, typically joining you to unwind. 

On one of these occasions, the topic had turned to dating. Mingi was recovering about a recent breakup, one that had hurt quite a bit. You’d simply said, “it’s a second love then.” You’d been met with quite a few questioning glances and you explained. 

The first love was ideal. It’s the one that you get swept up in fast by, and it might fizzle out just as fast but you’ll never forget it because it’s your first. 

The second is the hard love. The one that you come away from learning a lot about yourself and others. It’ll hurt, but you’ll be better for it in the long run. You say this breakup is Mingi’s hard love. The acknowledgment, or maybe even just being to put a name to it as if it’s a universal experience, seems to make Mingi feel better and that was really the whole point of the conversation. 

You sigh and shrug about the third when asked. You say it’s supposedly the unexpected love. The one you didn’t realize you needed and it’s usually the one that lasts. You even look a little perplexed at the thought, because how do you find something unexpected?

Yunho’s in the same boat as you. You can’t go looking for unexpected. You have to wait for it to find you. 

~

Yunho knows you for only a couple years before it clicks. You hadn’t dated much before moving to Seoul. There were a few ‘super casual’ boyfriends as you call them - guys that asked you out and were nice enough, but you didn’t feel much for them. You’d agreed to the dates that you went on because there was no reason not to, but you didn't feel any particular way about things not working out. 

Your first love comes in the form of a guy named Junseo. He’s a new coworker of yours and Yunho distinctly remembers how giddy you were to tell San about him the day you met him. The next week, you’re even more excited to tell him that Junseo asked you out on a date. 

Yunho thinks he’s never seen you so happy, and San even agrees, at least when it comes to dating. It’s confirmed when you say that it’s never felt like this. You’re absolutely starry-eyed about everything Junseo does - the simple dates, the flowers, the gentlemanly behavior, the sex and intimacy. 

You don’t talk about that last part very much, but it’s something the boys tease you about, if only because of how you flush at the mention. Your mood can’t be dampened though, not even when Jongho rolls his eyes and says something like, “yes, he’s supposed to do all of that.”

But your mood does eventually dampen. When asked you shrug it off at first, but the boys press the issue. Junseo is distant lately. You don’t see him much anymore, not even around the office, and some of that effort has began to dwindle. The helpless look in your eyes tugs at Yunho’s heart strings, like you’re watching things slip through your fingers and can’t do anything to stop it. He enjoyed seeing you happy, even if there was some unknown conflict brewing inside of him sometimes. 

Then came the fateful day, you came over to the dorms, clearly upset. Junseo had gotten another job in another city and would be moving promptly. You said he apologized for the surprise, but he didn’t want to discuss it with you without some solid plans. This lights a fire under Yunho, as well as a few other members, because it sure sounds like he held onto that information so he could hang on to you in case this job fell through. 

San simply bundles you up in a blanket on the couch and feeds you ice cream while a romcom plays on the TV. Yunho simmers in anger that he can’t quite decipher all night. 

~

Your second love comes in the form of a guy named Siwoo. Even Yunho thinks he's pretty charming the few times he's met him. In private, you admit that you think he’s the third love because of how he seemed to come out of thin air and he’s kind of everything you ever wanted. 

You met him at the florist. He was there picking up flowers for his mother and immediately introduced himself and asked to get to know you. You were starry-eyed for everything about him too, but the more the boys heard about him, the more they weren’t sure about this. 

He worked crazy hours for an office employee and the most convenient time for you to see him was late at night. He’d come to your apartment in a suit and tie, and it was convincing. But at best, he was a workaholic that needed to take a vacation or two and leave at 5pm like most people, and at worst, he was doing something else with his time before he called you just before midnight a few times a week. 

Then there were the crazy amount of business trips. He’d disappear for weeks at a time, claiming to be super busy and unable to even send a text, only to reappear like there hadn’t just been radio silence. You defend him, claiming he’s just incredibly hard working. But within the group (and not around you), the boys debated if this was a red flag disguised as a hardworking nature. Yeosang argued that while he still wasn’t crazy about Siwoo, Ateez themselves kept some crazy schedules. Was that a red flag too? Wooyoung countered that as busy as he was, his phone was on him nearly 24/7 and he had moments to send a ‘Hi, how’s your day’ text at the very least, so to him it was a red flag. The group was divided on this.

And it should have been a red flag. The rest of the boys were busy and you and Yunho went out to grab some dinner. And who would you see but Siwoo?

But he’s with another woman, who’s wearing a big, sparkly ring and looks totally in love. They’re obviously on a date, and it’s not a new thing, judging by how he's wearing a ring too.

Yunho gets your food to go and lets you cry in the car. You say between sobs that he was supposed to be in Japan. And now you’re coming to terms as you let out a seemingly never ending steam of tears that you were a fool. The late night visits must have been him sneaking away from his partner. The long business trips were more than likely him having prior commitments with his partner and the radio silence was him attempting not to get caught. And those flowers he was buying when you met him? Probably not for his mother at all now that you think about it. 

Yunho lets you lean into him and cry for what feels like hours. At one point, he even pulls you half into his lap, if only because your sobs seem to ease the closer he holds you as he rubs your back soothingly. He hates it. And he hates Siwoo. 

But this is when two things click. Siwoo is your second love - the hard love that comes with lessons, and perhaps some trust issues in the future. Not the third love that you hoped he’d be. 

And Yunho can identify his feelings swirling in his gut now. It’s love, but to what degree and of which kind he’s not certain. And perhaps a little bit of jealousy is swirling too. 

~

You take a while to get over Siwoo. After you cried in his car, Yunho took you back to the blessedly empty dorm and helped you craft a breakup text between bites of reheated food, complete with the news that you know he’s been two-timing (or more, but it’s not worth finding out). Then you block him. You cry some more that night and your mood is impacted for weeks. 

You ask Yunho to not tell the whole story to the boys, lest they be out for blood. Yunho raises an eyebrow at you because he’s out for blood, but eventually relents, sticking to the story that you feed the others. It wasn’t going to work out and that’s all Yunho knows. That doesn’t stop the boys, particularly San, from pressing Yunho about it individually, since this breakup appeared to happen overnight while Yunho was with you. Yunho keeps his promise, though he’s still bitter about how things went for you and would love nothing more than to start an angry mob on your behalf. 

The surprise for Yunho is that his group members’ looks turn sly the moment your mood seems to lift. You leave the room and Wooyoung is pinning him with a look. “So, how long have you been into her?”

Yunho plays dumb. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

“I mean that you guys have gotten exceptionally close since she broke up with that demon,” Wooyoung says. They don’t dare utter Siwoo’s name in the dorms or around you. It’s not just because of what your reaction might be. It’s on sight for any of them if they ever run into Siwoo, even if they don’t all know the whole story. You were hurt and that was all that mattered to them. 

Wooyoung continues, “You guys spend a lot of time together now, that’s all.” Wooyoung tries to seem innocent with this observation, but Yunho recognizes the mischief in his friend’s eyes. 

Yunho raises an eyebrow. “You spend just as much time with her. Are you into her?”

Wooyoung shrugs casually. “Sure, I’d date her. But I won’t step on your toes, don’t worry.” He looks so smug as the conversation shifts when you come back into the room. 

Yunho wonders how transparent he is. And maybe what they’re actually seeing, because he has no idea what it looks like on the surface. He can barely define what’s below the surface. 

~

Things keep shifting, or at least they do for Yunho. He is closer with you, not just in how much you both talk and spend time together, but physically as well. It happens so gradually that he barely realizes it happened. 

You go out with the boys to a club or bar, and he’s the one you hook your hand with to make sure you both stay with the group. 

You’ve basically claimed his passenger seat, and he doesn’t think anything of it to send his group members to the backseat. It starts as a ‘ladies, first’ sort of thing, but your name might as well be on the seat because he starts to feel weird about anyone else being in it. 

If you need to get something off a high shelf, he’s the first one you look at. Not that it matters, because he’s already approaching before you even look at him. He also doesn’t think anything of coming up behind you and placing a hand on your hip or waist as he gets what you need, his front pressed against your back. He really doesn’t mean anything by it, he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it most of the time because it feels so natural. 

And he really doesn’t mean anything by it when the group is piled up in one of the dorm living rooms to watch a movie or play a video game and he pulls you into his lap to keep you from sitting on the floor. His hands find your hips and pull you down, arms folding around your waist when you fall into him. It happens in the blink of an eye. 

He doesn’t realize right away that he does any of this 99% of the time, and you show next to no reaction so he doesn’t think you realize either. But his group members do. What tips him off about how often these little things happen is the look his group members give him. He pulls you into his lap at the table when they’ve ran out of seats and Hongjoong is smiling and raising an eyebrow at him. Or he kicks Wooyoung to the back seat of his car and Wooyoung playfully rolls his eyes and mumbles something about preferential treatment. Or when you don’t think anything of sleeping over in Yunho’s bed with him, Seonghwa kind of looks like he might be planning a wedding. 

Once Yunho realizes where things are going, it petrifies him. He doesn’t want to be another first or second love for you. And he wonders what kind of love you’d be for him, because he’s been burned too. He’s not sure if he even wants to cross that boundary at all and risk the friendship you two have built. But he’s helpless to stop the way things are going now as the lines get a little blurrier with each passing day. 

~

San is the one to truly corner him about it. “What’s happening with you and Y/N?” 

Yunho raises an eyebrow. “Nothing? We’re friends.”

San narrows his eyes, nodding, though Yunho thinks it’s probably not out of agreement. San points to himself. “I’m friends with her. And I recognize that I’m pretty touchy. But there’s a whole new level to what’s going on with you guys.” Yunho stares, not really sure what to say. San purses his lips. “You know, I’d be fine with it, right? Not that I think you care much about approval, but we’d all be happy. Thrilled, really.”

“But why?” Yunho finds himself asking, even though questioning at all would make him run the risk of being found out. 

“Because it’s unexpected,” San shrugs. Yunho gives him a blank look and San rolls his eyes. “The three love theory. It’s unexpected for both of you, obviously, because you guys don’t even realize that you already act like a couple.”

Yunho shrugs and says he doesn’t know, which is the only genuine answer he has. 

~

The thing is, once he sees it, he can’t unsee it. It starts to eat him alive when he realizes how often his fingers twitch to reach out to you. Or how he’s always got you in his periphery, even if you aren’t the center of attention in the conversation. Or how he just assumes you both have plans when he’s free, and feels let down if you have prior commitments. 

For a while, there’s a suffocating element to it - this drive of unknown origin to be attached to you 24/7. Yunho’s a friendly, social person, but even he likes his space sometimes, and you are the biggest exception to the rule that he’s ever ran into. 

But then, he notices how it’s you that initiates things too. You’re the one that grabs his hand in a crowd. You’re the one that looks to him for help with something. You’re the one that asks for rides places. 

And like tonight during game night and the dorm, you’re the one to wedge yourself in between Yunho and Mingi's seats and fall into Yunho’s lap. He lets you, because of course he does. His fingers were itching for that spot on your hips to pull you in anyway. 

You’ve warned that you’ve had a long day and are pretty tired. So it’s not a surprise to anyone when you tap out of the next round at some point. It is somewhat of a surprise at how you curl up into Yunho’s chest. He plays a couple more rounds before tapping out as well and sitting back. You’re out like a light, unaware of any game night chaos happening around you. 

Hongjoong is giving him a look. Most of his group members not engrossed in the game are. “This is getting out of hand,” Hongjoong teases. 

“What is?” Yunho plays dumb, far more aware of what this might look like than he ever has been before. 

Hongjoong gives him an unimpressed look. “You’re not doing yourself any favors by dodging this. You need to start being honest.”

He feels all eyes on him besides yours now, game forgotten. “You guys are so nosy,” Yunho admonishes, though it does little good. 

“Remember what I said,” San muses before moving on to another topic. 

Yunho eventually carries you to bed and settles you in under the covers. He does remember what San said, but while lying next to you in bed, he’s not sure what to do with that. He lets you curl up into his side and is helpless to doze off before he figures it out. 

Perhaps he might never figure it out. 

~

You’ve met somebody. 

Ryung is a guy you met on a dating app. Yunho is a little bit crushed to find out that you downloaded them in the first place but knows he has no room to say anything, so he bites his tongue. 

He doesn’t miss the look at his group members give him here and there as you tell them about how you matched with Ryung and had been messaging with him for a few days now. He bites his tongue about that as well. You’ve taken your time getting past Siwoo, and it was only a matter of time before someone else would come along and show interest. 

Ryung is trying to meet up - for a date, for a coffee, for a hookup, you aren’t totally sure, which is why you haven’t committed to anything yet. You say there’s some security in just sticking to messages and sort of getting to know each other right now. Yunho swallows harshly because what’s not secure about him? Right here. Sitting next to you. 

You don’t notice that Yunho’s not said much tonight until it’s time for bed. He doesn’t say anything as you both go to his room and get ready to settle in, and you ask him if he’s okay. He says ‘of course’.

Yunho lays in bed next to you and lets you curl into his side like you always do, arm wrapped around you. It feels like he has to say something, so he tries to be casual. “I didn’t know you were on dating apps.”

You grip his t-shirt a little bit. “I wasn’t until recently. One of my coworkers encouraged it, so I thought it wouldn’t hurt.”

Yunho hums. He supposes it doesn’t hurt if you aren’t him. “Going on a date then?”

You shrug against him. “I don’t know. Do you think I should?” 

He doesn’t know why this question, out of all things you two have ever said or done, feels like standing at a precipice. It’s so risky to say anything besides, “yes, of course,” but he feels like he’s about to burst. 

“Selfishly?” He hesitates. You lift your head up to look at him and he’s helpless to not meet your eyes. “No. I wish you wouldn’t.”

You look confused, but perhaps not as confused as he expected you to be. Maybe you realized how things had shifted lately too. “Selfishly?” Yunho just nods, combing back your hair. “Why?”

Yunho likes to think he’s pretty brave, and perhaps even a little reckless sometimes, but this might even be too much for him. His mouth feels a little thick when he admits, “I don’t really like to watch you date other people. I wish it was me.”

Your eyes flare incrementally. You place your hand against his cheek and the whole thing is sickeningly sweet in a way that Yunho isn’t familiar with. “How long have you felt this way?”

Yunho shrugs. “I’m not sure, really. It kind of crept up on me.”

You give him a little smile. “Me too.” 

Like a lot of things with you, Yunho is helpless, so he leans in and slowly kisses you. It’s something he gets lost in, especially when you kiss him back. He only stops when he’s breathless. 

You sigh deeply against his lips. “What now?” 

“Delete your dating apps. I’m taking you out tomorrow.” 

You smile, rolling to grab your phone, unlocking it and handing it to him. “You do the honors.” 

And what an honor it is to hit the little X on each of those apps. 

~

You and Yunho try to be discreet at first. On the surface, not a lot changes in front of the group members. But the thing is, there’s no such thing as privacy in the dorm. 

Yunho has you in his lap and he’s been kissing you for what feels like hours and hopes there’s no end in sight. He could spend the rest of his life like this. 

The end in sight is Mingi barging into the room. You pull back from Yunho at the intrusion, but to his relief don’t try to scramble off of him or anything. You both pin Mingi with a look of irritation, though it doesn’t matter because Mingi is reeling back out of the room with his eyes covered, slamming the door behind him. Screams echo behind him. 

You give Yunho a mildly entertained look from where you’re perched on his lap, hands clasping his shoulders. “I guess the secret's out.”

Yunho laughs, fingers gliding up and down your back. “I’m not sure how much of a secret it was to begin with, baby.”

You laugh and lean into his lips again, but it’s interrupted by the loud announcement from the other room. Now the whole group must know. They’re cheering. Yunho stands up, placing you on the ground and walking to the bedroom door. “Are we facing the music now?” You tease, wondering if you should follow him.