The further you go, the better your endurance

My very first "I don't know"; I am not to blame. My second "I don't know"; this one is on me. I am held reliable and responsible on each and every account after the first.

* There is a difference between discipline and motivation. Motivation comes and goes, both in waves of ups and downs; whereas, discipline is a daily practice. You develop a muscle that taps into your mental strength.

Nonetheless, I guess caring is ok. Only for certain things. Only for certain places. Only for certain people. 

How can I care in a fulfilling way?

The only reason I would like to promote it so aggressively is because I think it’s an important message for people to incorporate into their everyday lives. That all judgement and criticism be forgotten once put in front of another human being. A person who also knows how to love, to forgive, to care, to share, ... 

Things that need to be done: 

1. Business Cards April 7th

2. Create a Website / Email April 14th

3. Create a teaching plan -> Coaching Program May 1st

I am first and foremost an entrepreneur. I like the risk of uncertainty. I like the thrill of working everyday as if it were a distinctive day filled with endless possibilities. Of meeting people, of hearing different stories, ... I am free, unleashed, uninhibited. Wonderful. 

Everyday I am supposed to write a little bit about my experience, just to keep track of what has been going on. That’s hard for me, because I am a visionary - I look into the future and I like to see what is “possible”. I like diving into that “uncertainty” to see whether that impossible will finally be possible. 

Yesterday, on my way to school and during school and after school and when I go to bed and when I wake up I am absolutely obsessed with my new endeavour with the Love Project. I wonder who will I meet next, what is the next story, how will I make this something worthy of being read. I know I live for this.

I met Allan yesterday. He is a 62 year old man from Sri Lanka. He stands at one of those Gateway Stands everyday at 5 am to support himself and his family in asia. He works day in and day out. Somedays he makes nothing, but he says that’s ok, because this is the choice he made. And he is happy afterall these years.

I saw Tamara who came up to me and said, “hey caroline, I wore a ‘Love’ shirt today. Look!” I was so so so happy!

And I met two “sales” people who tried to lure me into buying something I didn’t want nor need. I resisted and didn’t give in. However I learned. I learned. I learned. 

I also received a free massage, which felt amazing -- at SMC study room. Cristina was so kind to let me have one as an employee. 

Oh and I stopped at Scout and Cash and Mike the owner remembered me. ANd I walked into lovely Layla-Lu the one and only famous 15 year old singer. Her story is for another time. She’s amazing!!!

I met a man named Boileau -- he said he can predict the future and the universe. I thought there was something off, but he was so so so nice. It’s all so strange, he was so nice and in a strange way I had my utmost love for him. 

I met Luis from Portugal. A construction worker but such an amazing healthnut guru. He too was so generous with his time and knowledge. Ah! 

Grateful: I am grateful that I am a student at the University of Toronto. That I have met and I am surrounded by wonderful people, who support my endeavours. I am thankful for all that my life has turned out to be. The chain of events has led me exactly where I am, right here right now. I live a life where my friends are successful in their very own way. I am lucky, purely lucky. Even though I miss my godmother, I am so lucky to have known her the way I do. She has changed me, even more precisely, she has shaped me. I am forever thankful for the emotional platform that #TheLoveProject brought me to. 

On my mind: School work. My mom. ..

The Love Project in action from the United States. When I met Brandon Tranat the age 7 we played tag, believed in "cooties", and stated the Pledge Allegiance before class. Today he shares his definition of love:

"Love of our Family. Love of our God. Love of our Country. Love to me, at this point in time of my life, goes to our country. I love those who came before us, who shed blood, sweat and tears to establish the United States of America -- that we know today. I love having the privilege of serving our country. I love proudly wearing our uniform -- day in and day out. Above all, I love everything that the US of A stands for". ‪#‎TheLoveProject‬

— met

Brandon Tran

“Oh, wouldn’t that make you hyper”. I gently said. 

“Oh no, don’t judge”. 

“Ok.”

“By the way, It’s ok that you made that remark. You just cared, and that is sweet of you. So, thank you. You know, kind of like my mom she says things like that. It’s because she’s known me my whole life and I know she just loves me. But then again, you have also those people you’re attracted to and I also love them, just for a short period of time. But, I love them - even if it’s not forever”. 

Today especially, I miss you. The words you would whisper in my ears. The touch you would kindly give me. The way you looked at me, like you looked at no other. The days I took for granted, knowing that your time was eternally generous towards me. I was wrong - to think that everything lasts forever. It doesn’t. Yesterday, I took a pause. I didn’t realize that the stagnation in my academics has a lot to do with how hurt I still am inside - missing you, every piece of you. Especially the scent that came with your hugs. 

It all hurts all too much to dwell in that time we used to be together. I wonder, will we ever, reunite? I sure do hope so...

Rest in peace, love. May you be happy. May you be at peace. May you be loved. xoxo 

Signed,

This morning I read a diary I wrote in grade 11. I cannot recognize myself in the journal any longer... The girl who wrote those words was so sad, afraid, hopeless, anxious, and full of self-hatred. Readings those words, I would be incredibly worried about her. Her self-esteem was very low and her primary concern was to be thin. Not thin, to fit a trend - but because she thought it would help her attract more attention, more love. She felt empty and hurt by the trauma of leaving Belgium, home. 

It’s worrisome to see how my thoughts were, they really did create me. It is scary to even read these diaries, in fear of being plunged back into that mindset. But, now I realize I am no where near that girl. I’ve become much kinder with myself and I’ve learned to attract the purest and kindest love around me. I negate what hurts me, and what leaves me raw, vulnerable, hurt. Isn’t it up to us to standup for ourselves. It’s too bad that that teenage girl didn’t have someone to be 100% honest or to confabulate day-to-day life with. To think of the past is wishful thinking. To not have had what I wanted in the past does not mean I was unworthy, it just means that I was not as lucky. But hey, maybe that will make up for the luck today. 

Those were dark days, hiding away in my room - upset at the world for not noticing the pain and the hurt I was going through. Upset at the world for the lack of trust, loyalty, and love. So upset, so angry, so hurt. And if there was one thing I wish I had known was that this resentment and turmoil could not have been “fixed” by a magical outside source. The truth is its within, within, within. And that is the source of true companionship and loyalty and self-kindness. That in itself is personal power! 

Gratitude: 

I am thankful to waking up to a beautiful environment. Waking up, to just me and no one else to worry about. I am thankful for the delicious coffee slowly waking my soul and bringing me closer to clarity of thought. I am thankful for my friend Jenny who knows the good and the bad about me, yet still accepting of who I am. So grateful that the weather is wonderful, out there. The sky is clear, the sun is shining - all is well. Forever grateful for my journey and my background, my journey. I am thankful for all the love my family has given me. I am thankful for the hurdles I was obliged to overcome, it has tested my strength of character like never before. In the midst of all uncertainty, I am thankful that I never lost faith in a bright future. I am grateful for the soft sounds of music in my ears as I am typing away. I am thankful for the drama-free life. I am thankful for the rootedness, groundedness, softness. I am thankful for prioritizing my healing. Ah, ZEN. It will all be ok. 

What’s on my mind: 

I wonder how Julien is doing. My assignments are on my mind. One more week of school. My choors. Coldness in my room. I want to go out to a bar and have a good time. I want to explore and discover the world. 

If I can achieve one dream, how would I feel and what would it be: