Cosimo Galluzzi
Claire Keane
if i look back, i am lost
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One Nice Bug Per Day
NASA
almost home
Doug Jones
izzy's playlists!
roma★
Cookie Run:Kingdom Official!
gracie abrams
🩵 avery cochrane 🩵
The Stonewall Inn
occasionally subtle
Today's Document
Monterey Bay Aquarium
tannertan36
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@carolineisntdeleted
{ YOU’RE ALIVE????? }
[Obligatory "I'm doing science and I'm still alive"✨]
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I Have Opinions About Your Boss!
- @miss-boss-official
I am quite sure you do! We all do.. but please, go ahead, I'd like to hear yours..
Reminder to all employees:
Discussion of Cave Johnson on company time is PROHIBITED!
In that regard: Discussion of mr Johnson on NON company time is ALSO PROHIBITED
(However, the DOL do prohibit us from making that a rule)
Issues with our leadership should be taken to: The DOOR! If you don’t like the way we manage this company, I’m sure plenty of other places will be MORE then willing to take you, and listened to your little, hare-brained ideas that “Mr Johnson shouldn’t be testing on children” or “Mr Johnson shouldn’t have spent all that money on… blah blah blah BLAH”
Any encouragement of criticism is really a set up to weed out unloyal employees. We here at Aperture Science believe that feeling uncertainty during testing is a worse killer than the tests themselves..
Anything positive you have to say about Mr Johnson can be sent with chocolates and flowers purchased in the gift shop, I deliver it to him myself.
Happy pride month from Aperture Science, all the mantis men are gay now. We injected them with the gay gene. you get to fight them with the bonus of kissing them if you ask nicely. And you can take one gay gene home too from the gift shop for the low price of 300 dollars and your kidneys. Thanks.
Greg was going to be Mr Johnsons primary assistant but I slayed, yassed and divad so hard that Cave had to bench him. And now Greg's MY assistant muahahaha.
I Have Opinions About Your Boss!
- @miss-boss-official
I am quite sure you do! We all do.. but please, go ahead, I'd like to hear yours..
I Find His Business Practices Questionable! Though, I Myself Do Not Pursue Science As You Seem To, So Perhaps This Is To Be Expected In This Particular Line Of Work? Yes, It May Be Quite Likely I Am Simply Uneducated.
Yes, we take science to the most serious degree here! Mr Johnson's famous quote of "Science isn't about why, it's about why not" has been plastered around on many of Aperture's wall murals, to help keep employees focused on what matters. Maybe you'd like to sign up for testing to become more acquainted with our policies? I think you could become very educated this way..
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I Have Opinions About Your Boss!
- @miss-boss-official
I am quite sure you do! We all do.. but please, go ahead, I'd like to hear yours..
Someone (cough Suzan W. cough) left weed brownies in mr Johnsons office...
Well then this explains the whole “when life gives you lemons” rant.
Guys it was actually me sorry, I was trying out a new cake recipe and it turned into that.. I didn't intend for Mr Johnson to get them....
you just KNOW who I’m gonna put in this bad boy
Ah yes! I had the lab boys make these en mass for all personell in case of emergency!
"What type of emergency?" I hear you scream.
Its a secret!! And you are FIRED!
Cave Johnson, signing off.
[Tape Cut Off.]
Mr Johnson, know that I am putting you in this dress for our next company event. We need to show investors that you care.
Any upcoming tests with the portal gun? any add-ons?
I think Mr Johnson wanted to attach a real gun to the portal device but I told him the test subjects would try to overthrow him with it, or be too dumb to know how to use it properly. It would cost us a lot of money (and casualties) so we went against it.
I think Greg wanted to put a frog launcher on it! Like.. a gun but it shoots live frogs. I'm not sure what the purpose is, but I do think it would be funny and less dangerous than real bullets.
Sometimes I host art nights for test subjects to paint their portal guns, where the best one gets an extra dollar in their $60 testing prize and they get to test with their bedazzled gun (until they die, in which their gun goes to the next tester in line). Test subject attendance does in fact go up!
For our next experiment, I will be putting Mr. Johnson in drag.
I had a scientist ask him what his drag name would be and he said "it's get-back-to-work-or-ill-fire-everyone-in-this-room". Further studies will need to be drawn, aka I'm going to draw him in a drag costume and he will like it.
Is this appropriate use of company time?
Yes
No
the fact sphere has voted: yes.
Anyone who says no is withholding me from SCIENCE. I am putting that man in a DRESS.
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How are you holding up?
I am holding up well! I've been really invested in our recent experiments, in which we moved on from injecting humans with bug DNA to now injecting bugs with human DNA. Flies talk at us now, it's really annoying and nonsensical. They try to reason with us not to swat them, but we weren't going to kill them anyway, not yet at least, as we're still running tests. So they think they've won, and they gloat. They are not good test subjects either, they just fly out of the course without touching any of the elements! At least we don't have to pay them. So that's what has been keeping me busy!
For our next experiment, I will be putting Mr. Johnson in drag.
I had a scientist ask him what his drag name would be and he said "it's get-back-to-work-or-ill-fire-everyone-in-this-room". Further studies will need to be drawn, aka I'm going to draw him in a drag costume and he will like it.
How fascinating, you and I are quite similar. My Cave Johnson, if I may, is much less charismatic. He, Lord Dottore, is quite the dedicated scientist.
@thetruescholar
Hmm, intriguing! I am unaware of who that is, are you from another universe? Mr Johnson was researching parallel universes for quite awhile, something Aperture is rather invested in!
The more scientists the merrier! You should suggest this Dottore person to come by Aperture sometime.
do you know who ate all the donuts?
I think some test subjects snuck up here and took them! That or it was Mr. Johnson. Probably Mr. Johnson. He thinks they're all for him because he's the boss, when in reality they're NOT and the donuts are for everyone...
I think I need to put Mr. Johnson on a monkey leash, he keeps wandering off without me to harass strangers about buying Aperture products and it is NOT going well. He was only good at being a salesman for shower curtains, because now he's gotten too confident and just intrudes on random peoples conversations in public, shoving samples (that they can't take) in their faces. He needs to be restrained..
In example:
I think Aperture Investors would invest in that.
I will not stand for this slander
The public WANTS aperture products
They just don’t know it yet
Why wouldn’t you suggest restraining me like that
I was the best shower curtain salesman in the tristate area
I will delete you this time
I mean it
Yes but sometimes you go a bit overboard, sir... You were a very good shower curtain salesman but showing off the most dangerous products to potential clients, which sometimes can injure them, is very scary for the company because I've had to settle maybe 4 lawsuits now. I think we killed some people with your samples, actually. We need to try something else... and until then it is monkey baby leash for you!
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I heard Aperture is creating a number between 2 and 4 how is that going
It's been incredibly hard, Mr Johnson has been staring at a whiteboard on the wall with various equations trying to figure out how any whole numbers between 2 and 4 would be possible. He's been at it for hours, I don't know if he can figure it out... very tough work... I think he's called in maybe 7 scientists to help him so far. We aren't getting any closer.
I think I need to put Mr. Johnson on a monkey leash, he keeps wandering off without me to harass strangers about buying Aperture products and it is NOT going well. He was only good at being a salesman for shower curtains, because now he's gotten too confident and just intrudes on random peoples conversations in public, shoving samples (that they can't take) in their faces. He needs to be restrained..
In example:
I think Aperture Investors would invest in that.
