The State of Grace

People think medication, or counseling, or whatever will always "fix" you eventually, but sometimes people don't realize that there actually isn't anything to fix. Some ways of thinking, some physical reactions, are just a part of who you are. And more than anything you just need to learn how to be okay with that.

I remember that time I hit my head so hard I went to the hospital, I didn't know my own name, but I knew you were there. I remember how your name sounded at the end of, "I love you". It echoed in my mind for three years. I remember the sound of my own voice shaking, saying your name, saying "it's okay." Even after what you just did, and that I've never felt so not okay, or so afraid, in all my days. But then I remember you walking away a few months later. I still begged you to stay. I remember saying your name to God, asking Him why you're not here anymore, it made no sense to me that you were gone. I remember being drunk at 2am, with someone who I could barely call a friend. She had one hand wiping the tears, the other covering my mouth because I wouldn't stop screaming, to just come back. I remember the way my stomach turned every time I heard your name in conversation. Just your name had the power to make me crumble where I stood. Then I remember the day when I heard your name, and I took another breath just like the last. It didn't make me stop in my tracks. I remember the first day I realized that I hadn't thought of your name for a few days. Then there was today. Your name has not crossed my mind in quite some time now. I didn't think this was a possibility. But, just as my best friend said, a new name came. I didn't think this would happen, but it's strong enough that somehow it's erasing your permanent marks. Your name is becoming less and less of a scar, every day. They say kissing can be like healing, that new love can cover up the old. I never knew it would be true. But today, I know it is. My heart is new. And finally, I will never call your name again.