◝ ❜ INNER ANGST.

*      MEME ,           @fckinamelie.

       01 .     okay by chase atlantic   

       02 .     start // end by eden    

       03 .     youth by daughter

       04 .     control by halsey 

*      MEME ,           @taylorobrienhq.

       01 .       lean on me by bill withers

       02 .       true colors by glee cast

       03 .       heathens by twenty one pilots

       04 .       wild things by alessia cara

“fuck, no.  the notebook is on the list of movies i make a point to avoid.”  wyatt’s face scrunches up into an expression of disapproval.  he can sense a shift in carson’s body language, and he follows her gaze briefly, trying not to flinch with the slightest bit of residual anger. “okay, yeah.  let’s go.”  he chews on the inside of his cheek, silently hoping that no one else will turn their attention to him.  the thought of that happening is way too stressful for him to bear. without another thought given, wyatt pats his back pocket for his keys and digs down for them.  “yeah.  gives me a distraction or two, i guess.”  it’s thrilling, knowing they’re going to get off campus–wyatt’s dream is to go to a remote place far from here, and if he can’t do that, this is a nice alternative.  “you shouldn’t have had to see that.”  he mumbles as an afterthought, shaking his head slightly as he leads the way to his car.

Jackson froze when he saw Carson’s familiar face turn the corner. If looks could kill, she would have murdered him in cold blood. It suddenly occurred to him that he hadn’t seen her since before his hiatus. He hadn’t had the chance to face her since the incident. For a small moment he had even forgotten what had happened. He deserved every word that she shot in his direction. Even if it wasnt his doing, he took full blame. He should have stopped Tristan a long time ago - when he saw the first signs of the underground business. Jackson even found himself wishing that he had received more than a simple shove. He would have taken it. The boy clenched his jaw and slowly made his way back into his apartment. He was kidding himself if he thought he’d have the energy and motivation to run even a block. 

His phone buzzed from inside his pocket. The color pink rushed into his cheeks. The text was from a mystery number, threatening his secret. He looked around, determined to catch the espionage. Finding nothing, the boy cursed under his breath and ran to catch Carson before she made it to her car. Jackson could feel the other’s emotion as he wedged himself between her figure and the door of the car. 

“Carson.” the boy had not planned his next words. The two used to be friends, that was a lifetime ago. He did not deserve her forgiveness, he hardly forgave himself. His darkened eyes met hers. “I’m sorry for what happened.” he finally said after a moment of silence. “Yell, scream, hit, punch - go for it. I probably deserve it.” 

“Son of a bitch.. “   The phrase is muttered to herself as she stands outside of her car.  Fingers move through her hair gripping tightly onto the strands as she closes her eyes,  trying to get the image of jackson’s face and of her brother’s face out of her head.  That asshole,  that fucking asshole.. Tears sting at the corner of her eyes,  threatening to stream down her cheeks. If they started,  she knew they’d never stop.. She needed to get out of here before she did something she regretted.  Taking a deep breath,  Carson opens her car door and slings her bag onto the passenger side.  Just as she’s about to make the right decision and get inside of her car,  his voice rings through the silence.  Eyes widen with rage at his words.  He’s sorry ..  Probably deserves it? Probably?   “You probably deserve it.. “   A bitter laugh falls from her lips as she slams her car door.  “No, you do fucking deserve it.  You do.”    

She was going to keep her cool,  blow off some anger whenever she got home, but fuck it.  He’s asking her to do it,  so why not give him what he damn well wants and deserves? If he was looking for her to snap,  the cocky air around him and his words achieved that.  Without much warning,  she marches over to him in the blink of an eye and punches him straight in the nose. Then brings up her leg and kicks him on his left shin with all of her might.  “Do you know what you’ve done?  What your little drug business cost me? Cost us?”  Her voice echoes through the complex,  but she doesn’t give a shit.  Hands push against his shoulders,  hoping to drop him on his ass.  “I almost lost my brother, you piece of shit. He almost died, do you understand that? Died! All because you wanted fucking money!” The tears she had hoped to stop were dropping down her cheeks in droves now.  Vision is blurry and head is clouded, but she still swings her arms and hopes to make contact and hurt any part of him. “I trusted you! I was your fucking friend!”  

“Now my brother’s turned into a damn zombie and my family is fucking ruined!” She’s resigned to hitting his chest now,  over and over and over.  Maybe if she continued she’ll knock the breath out of him eventually. “I .. “   A kick is thrown in there again. “hate you!”  Then she pauses, looking at him with nothing but pure fire in her eyes.  “Fight back, you son of a bitch. You like hurting people, right? Well I’m right here!”

 “shoo! oh just fuck off!” kacie snapped, flapping her arms around like the person was a fly “you’re pathetic” she shouted bitterly. the girl was just trying to help, one of the new pledges, but kacie didn’t care brushing past her to refill her glass. she knew she shouldn’t drink anymore, or take the pills she had stashed away in her pocket but it all helped. to forget about the text, the pressure, the cheating, everything. “some people need to learn to back off” she remarked, learning against the counter to stop everything spinning.

*      MEME ,           @wyattewing. 

        01 .       lover i don’t have to love by bright eyes

        02 .       bad things by meiko 

        03 .       garden by halsey 

        04 .       like lovers do by hey violet 

The sun creeped through the cracks in the blinds, leaving warm patterns on a mess of empty cans and bottles. Such seemed to be the scene wherever Jackson sat for more than twenty minutes time. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, as if seeing himself from the outside. It was time to change, to prove to everyone that he was still the same Jackson that roamed the campus a year earlier, that he was still capable. He moved quickly in order put on his exercise best before the devil perched on his shoulder talked him out of it. The boy couldnt remember the last time he went for a run. In fact, he hated everything about running.

He made his way out of the apartment complex, facing the sun in full force. His head throbbed from the lack of breakfast and the sudden brightness surrounding him. Jackson spun around, his full intention being to resume his position on the couch and to try again another day. He made it about two steps before his eye caught the stare of a familiar face not far away. Pride had always been the boy’s weakness. “What?” he asked with raised brows, acknowledging the look currently gracing the other’s features. “Is it that unconventional to see someone taking advantage of a beautiful day?”

Another night of crashing on Taylor’s floor,  still better than the bed waiting for her in her uncomfortable home environment. Though she’s still surprised the girl nor her roommate hadn’t kicked her out yet. Carson probably would have ..  No one likes a free loader.  She’s making her way down to the main floor,  when all too late she notices someone else coming up the staircase. It wouldn’t have bothered her if this someone else wasn’t Jackson.  Mouth dries instantly as they make eye contact.  She’s looking into the eyes of the guy who had ruined her brother’s life --  had ruined her life.   There’s a million things she wants to do,  scream at him and punch him and make him feel what she felt.  However,  she resigns to just glaring at him with a tightened jaw.  

Hearing a knock on her door,Taylor got up already knowing who it is. Opening the door for Carson, she grinned.” Come in and make yourself at home. “ Taylor joked, waving Carson in. Carson came to her room so many times that people thought she was Taylor’s other roommate. “ I really should since you practically live in my dorm room. In fact, I don’t even know where you stay Carson.” Taylor said in a teasing tone, closing the door behind Carson. 

he almost doesn’t hear her, because his eyes are still trailing after the guy he’d spooked.  memories flash through his mind regarding that fateful night, and wyatt doesn’t even remember if he’s told carson a word of what happened.  not that he’s much of a talker when the two of them are alone.  “ah, fuck off with that.  you know you’re not a nobody.  what’s that saying? it’s like, if you feel like a nobody, you could be someone’s somebody.”  the young man gives an offhanded shrug, exhaling sharply and raising his brow right back at carson.  “shit, maybe we should, before i start spewing some nicholas sparks level crap.”  he’s tired, has lost sleep in the past week, and all he wants to do is be alone, but he really finds it difficult to refuse her offer.  being lonely is definitely worse than being alone, he decides, and the smallest smile spreads on his lips after a moment.  “what’d you have in mind?”

“I really shouldn’t–I promised I’d be good tonight.”

“Not my fault you’ve missed out on all this.”

it’s all a blur, really.  one minute, he’s aimlessly kicking at the grass on his way back to the dorm.  the next?  fists are clenched around what he can assume to be an innocent passerby.  sometimes, it’s as if the voices around him are a little too loud. wyatt would be lying if he said he wasn’t wracked with guilt and anger on the daily.  clearly, it’s the case, because he’s wrong to think that this person is out to get him. the color drains from his face, and he relaxes his fists, smoothing out the other’s shirt.  a soft ‘sorry’ is mumbled, and his cheeks burn red as he pushes past that person, nearly colliding with someone else.  “nobody saw that. ‘s fine.”

“Oh, I can’t tonight, sorry—DD.” Lucas said, rejecting his typical vices, “I’m trying this new thing… what’s it called? Oh yeah–being responsible.”

“  You pick tonight to be responsible?   Of course,  just when I want to hang out with your sorry ass.  C’mon,  this opportunity comes around only once in awhile. Try being responsible tomorrow. “