Cardboard Monkey

I created a brief instructional vid on how to mix a ‘Dark & Stormy’ cocktail. It’s an effort to save some pretty damn dodgy footage I captured the first time taking my Sony A6500 out into a setting where i wasn’t really in control... and ended up with a load of shaky footage filled with continuity errors. 

I crave a little quiet think in a place that relaxes me.

Cos it’s been five long days since

my face has been spied,

And that’s way too many…

You see.

I’m morbius.

Revealing myself

when I can’t see in the mirror.

Another dirty shirted dirth of ideas

who thinks that his reasonin’ differs.

A virtuous vulture,

hacking at the carcass of culture.

A sophisticate who mixes with misters for mere minutes,

Because he’s too busy

ordering rounds of the profound

And making sure everyone

Gotta glass?

‘MMM’ it’s too late for a half.

I’ll have a whole…

espresso martini.

That’ll do for me.

So a;

Vodka is poured and a single kahlula,

With the coffee coming next And the shake that means a

glass’ll soon be poured.

And mine…        

Hoping mine can finally.

STOP.

Whaddya mean! I aint even started yet.

It’s a slur to say I’m antagonising them,

I’m simply speaking truths and the fact these gents find em a suprise aint on me.

Well Fuck it then,

And yeah what of it?

I’m a stranger ranger anyway,

The king of enclosures.

You mighta kicked me from this one,

Shot this at Manor House warehouses here in London with one hell of a mixologist. I kept mucking up the shots, which meant that his housemates ended up having a bit of a party with all the drinks that ended up being made as we continued to shoot.

It was gin that got me into bed

So of course regret kicked me out early.

Again.

Means I been up for hours.

And that’s way more more time than I can spend in this spend in this state. It’s like 7pm there.

It’s a fact. Don’t need no audience to hear it.

And means I’m justified

When I look and see its

10 AM.

The perfect time to buy

One Bloody Mary mate.

“Coming right up!”

He speaks as he pours;

One large measure of tomata

Followed by another I keep my eyes affixed at;

So he don’t see the shame by looking my way.

“And how spicy you want that?”

Whatever you reckon I beckon his way

So a couple splashes, a Tabasca, are poured out

I’m so worn out I barely notice the Worcester…

Last night flashing before my eyes

Can’t tell if it’s guilt that I feel while I watch or that’s just my head throbbing… boy has this drink got a fukin’ job and,

from the single vodka he pours

I wonder if it’s up to the task.

But not before wishing he could take the bitterness outta my life Like he did that lemon

Someone pour on some ice. Cool this head down get it feeling right,

nice.

But before can I cry he distracts

and makes me ask...

Do they teach all barman to spin a

cocktail cup?

He just did it with with grace.

Or is he just one of those men refusing to know his place,

The type that says if I’m doing something I’ll damn well do it right.

Even if it’s pouring a drink for another bloke trying to sleep off last night.

He even tips it with flair!

Shame I won’t do the same mate

Just give a grin, a cheers  as you garnish

Count yourself lucky. I could stay. I could chat

Instead I’ve decided I’ll brood and be sat,

In a corner I spied whilst you were preparin’

Shot this in a bar in Brixton, London, on a hungover Sunday. The poem was penned moments after; whilst enjoying the taste of the drink on my lips, and the incredible sounds of Inside Forest, by Liphe, in my ears. 

The recall of all Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones from sale is due to a marketing & PR push from the company going wrong, Cardboard Monkey reports.

“We wired every new unit sold to explode on November 5th - with the plan being the replacement units given out would in fact be a Samsung Galaxy Note 8. It would’ve all been, like, BAM! SURPRISE CONSUMERS! A free upgrade for all!” revealed the Creative Director from Samsung’s irritatingly successful PR firm: ‘Fuck & Wits’

“The stunt was part of a push to nail the message that ‘Samsung gives you more bang for your buck’ and just really ensure we had seared that forever across the consciousness of the nation” 

“We’re prepared to stand by the plan, even in light of the earlier than expected, highly-dangerous and life-threatening explosions taking the place globally”.

“It fell down in the execution, honestly”  he concluded.

Ed Miliband popped his head above the political parapet today to conduct an important and wide-ranging interview with the underwhelming novelist Andrew Marr. Topics ranged from “See, I told you I wasn’t that left wing didn’t I” through to “I bet calling me out of touch for eating a sarnie like a cock really sticks in the craw now you’ve seen how badly the rest can fuck up the place”.  

“You never thought you’d miss me this much, did you” was touched on briefly - although Marr had to unfortunately call time before they could really get into it.

The UKIP leadership battle has claimed its first victim, according to reports coming in live from the European Parliament.

Some in the party who questioned Farage’s thinking when he decided to settle the question of the UKIP leadership through what he then described as ‘a political hunger games’ now feel vindicated, although the leader has prepared a statement clarifying his initial intentions.

“When I initially described my desire for the UKIP leadership race to turn into a political hunger games, I had a sort of Bake-Off style competition in mind - with all the potential leaders cooking me a really big lunch instead. Not this madness” Farage said.

Although this goes a long way as to clarifying how the current situation arose, Farage’s closest allies have stated he intends to do everything he can to sort it out

“The chap who just bumped off my favourite candidate to be our next leader rang me soon after to let me know, quite angrily I might add, that ‘I’m toast’. But I’m clearly not toast. I’m Nigel Farage.

Rest assured I will do everything I can to sort this pickle out and reduce its potency, even if it takes every ounce of lemon juice I have”

More on this sandwich as it develops…

An Israeli Rabbi was arrested today after an American tourist spotted his surprise admission of child labor use. “I saw the ‘Built by Children of Israel’ sign above his Synagogue and just knew something had to be done… "To be so audacious about something so cruel is simply sickening” the tourist said.

The Rabbi’s claim that “poetry has never been a problem before” looks set to form the basis of his appeal.

The Beginners Guide is an ambitious character study which details the journey of a friendship between two men - and looks to shed some light on questions around what it means to create.

The question of ‘when will video games have ‘its Citizen Kane moment’ is a tired one. In part because it often feels like it comes with so many limiting connotations on what art can be. If painting had been but a fledgling medium this century, would we be standing in front of the works of Jackson Pollock, and asking the same thing? Stuck with a limited worldview that requires all ‘worthwhile’ art to have a conventional narrative - and allowing no quarter for those more conceptual works, which look to directly evoke emotion in its subject?

I think not. (In part because i’m the kind of pretentious ape who actually likes Pollock). 

But for the rest of you, you may find The Beginners Guide may be the game that’s finally able to rouse that question out of bed, and kick its no-good-ass outta the house, permanently. 

The Beginners Guide is a classic tale of friendship and betrayal, very much in the Grecian tradition. But thanks to its mix of surreal yet deterministic level design which utilises just enough player freedom to lend a feeling of frustration at your inability to affect the final outcome - it brings to life the melancholic sensation of ‘I could, but could not have acted differently’ that is so often true to life. 

Even outside of these themes, The Beginner’s Guide is a two-hour gaming experience with a plethora of environments so varied that if one fails to hold your interest, it won’t be long until you encounter one which does. A tight story is told, and one which culminates in a twist which is genuinely shocking, and which packs a serious emotional punch. 

The games choice of video game development as key subject matter is also interesting in and of itself, in-part because even with the medium having finished its long march into the mainstream the average person will know very little about how it all comes together, and what drives those who make them.

The UK government has confirmed it will be making the return of its life sustaining star, given as tribute to the EU Emperor upon joining and then affixed to its flag, a red line in its leave negotiations.

As the nation will know, each state wishing to join the EU must present a real star as tribute to its Emperor during negotiations – with Edward Heath having first presented ‘The Star of the British’ to Angela Merkel over thirty years ago.

“As I understand it”, Boris Johnson was heard to say “the stars which are given as tribute act as a sort of ‘life-force’ Merkel draws upon to sustain her never-ending reign of free-market terror”.

This was backed up by well-known fantasy-author and accidental politician Michael Howard, who states “Prior to joining the EU, our star sustained the Queen. Do you think it’s the fact that she’s almost reached 100 that’s been responsible for her looking older these past few years? Idiots. It was obviously our sustained membership of the EU that did it”

“It is absolutely essential the British see theirs returned to them” Howard went on to say. “And it goes without saying we want our Blue Passports back too. We would also like to see Glen Miller make a comeback, and a new Billie Holiday album. But of course we’re not dogmatists. As much as we’d like the musicians, we’re prepared to leave them off the table in talks”.

Early 90’s chavs in shock today as a new report from the Fiscal Fraternity reveals the phrase ‘as sound as a pound, bruv’ has become effectivey meaningless in 21st century society. “The post-Brexit uncertainty in the Sterling market revealed in this report is forcing us (with heavy hearts we may add, the lack of sugar tax is ensuring that’s still accurate) to rescind our official endorsement of the phrase. All Adidas cap wearing brothers across the nation have now, officially, been asked to stop using it". Thankfully for the group, the report also revealed increased use of card payments across the nation - allowing its continued use of the phrase ‘tapped out’ as appropriate slang for ‘broke’, despite its etymological origins in the world of wrestling. 

Harambe, the Gorilla whose best-know work to date has been a Blair-Witch style indie film with featuring controversial scenes of him taking a bullet, today joins the ranks of the Hollywood A-List. 

Recent reports speculated the beloved Gorilla was to appear as Ben Kenobi in the upcoming instalment of the Star Wars franchise, and in a statement made today, movie-boss Kathleen Kennedy confirmed his hire. 

Kennedy was reported saying Harambe was well placed for the role, as “although we may have stricken him down, in death he has become more powerful than we could ever possibly have imagined”

Republican frontrunner Donald Trump is down in the polls for the first time in months after accusations of actually being deceased comedian Charlie Kauffman dressed in a fat suit.

Fans of the humorist have always maintained Kauffman to be alive, with his death all being part of an elaborate, years long, practical joke – and after watching Trumps performance at political rallies over the last several months they now feel vindicated.

The fat-suitor movement, as it has become known, claims Kauffman intends to reveal himself shortly after being sworn in to office. If correct, pundits state it will become the biggest joke in American politics since a speech Obama gave maintaining the nation still has a special relationship with Britain. 

Suitors note that footage has recently surfaced of three sarcastic midgets singing a song about freedom, something maintained to be a ‘fucking Kauffman joke if we’ve ever seen one’.