my ao3| nnt | miraculous| bridgerton | folk of the air| six of crows | young royals | omar rudberg | aot | hollanov | anything i stumble across that I love šš»š
i know youāre very into heated rivalry now and i like it too but i miss the wilmon reincarnation au threads. maybe a bit where they were ancient romans or cruising in one of the early gay bars of the sixties. i love how you write them
i still and will always love wilmon!!
āYou canāt be nice to him just because you find him pretty.ā
He flashes a grin at a group of passing children, one of them sticking out their tongue in return, before turning to Victor. āI think heās pretty and useful and naive. Does that change anything?ā
Victor raises a brow as the wind ruffles his black hair so that the usual spikes seem softer. āNone of us understand why youāre trusting him.ā
The problem is that Simon doesnāt understand it himself, and can't really explain the sensation in his chest when Wilhelm looked at him and spoke. The young boy in him wants to say something stupid about how, if Simon wasnāt an outlaw and Wilhelm wasnāt a prince, maybe theyād have met under alternative circumstances and would have kissed underneath moonlight and dissolved into stardust and loved each other for eternity. Or maybe he could try and describe how his instincts are screeching. His brain has been working overtime, attempting to figure out what more there is to the prince, wanting to peel apart his layers to find the molten core in the centre of it all.
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One thing Iāve seen happens in this fandom- and honestly sometimes in real life discussions about Hudson too- is that people end up flattening all POC experiences into one universal experience.
Race absolutely matters. Racism absolutely exists. But different racial groups are stereotyped in different ways, and those stereotypes can produce completely different social expectations.
For example, Iāve seen people criticize Rachel and Jacob for joking about Hudson being unintelligent because heās a person of color. If Hudson were Black, I would understand that criticism more, because there is a long history of anti-Black stereotypes portraying Black people as unintelligent. But Hudson is Asian. Asian men are stereotyped in almost the opposite way. Theyāre often assumed to be intelligent, studious, and academically successful. The stereotype is still racist, but itās a different stereotype. It doesnāt suddenly become an anti-Asian stereotype just because weāve replaced āAsianā with the broader category of āPOC.ā
The same thing happens constantly in fanfiction with Shane.
A lot of writers portray Shane as being afraid to fight because he knows heāll be judged more harshly than white players. I understand where that idea is coming from, but as a black person Iāve never found it particularly convincing.
If Shane were black, that analysis would make more sense to me. Black men are often stereotyped as aggressive, which means behavior that is considered acceptable from white athletes is often interpreted differently when black ones do it.
But asian men occupy a very different place in the racial imagination. Theyāre frequently stereotyped as passive, non-threatening, weak, nerdy, emasculated, etc. If racial stereotypes were influencing Shaneās approach to hockey, I could just as easily imagine the opposite dynamic: feeling pressure to prove heās aggressive enough to belong. Maybe heās fighting TOO much.
But that doesnāt make sense for Shane. Heās the leagueās golden boy. Heās polite, media-friendly, and heavily inspired by Sidney Crosby. Heās a superstar. Fighting is often delegated to players lower on the depth chart whose role is specifically to provide physicality. Star players generally arenāt expected to be enforcers. Teams usually want their elite talent scoring goals, not sitting in the penalty box after dropping the gloves.
So Shane not fighting much doesnāt strike me as evidence of racial pressure. It strikes me as evidence that heās Shane Hollander.
Crosby is a useful comparison here. For years, people mocked him for not being physical enough (and for talking to the refs too much). They questioned his toughness and masculinity. They called him āCrybaby Crosbyā or āCindy Crosby.ā Fans edited photos of him in dresses or makeup. The criticism wasnāt really about hockey. The joke was that he wasnāt a āreal man.ā
And thatās a white player.
Imagine how much worse those conversations could become if the player in question were Asian.
Thatās the kind of racial dynamic I could actually see affecting Shane, not him worrying about people thinking heās too aggressive, but people questioning whether heās aggressive ENOUGH.
Thereās a good chance that if Shane fought exactly like many white players, he probably still wouldnāt be viewed as tough enough. Meanwhile, if a Black player fought exactly like those same white players, he might be interpreted as more aggressive.
People often criticize Rachel for not doing much racial analysis in the books. But sometimes fandom fills that gap with racial analysis that feels disconnected from both hockey culture and the specific stereotypes that affect different racial groups.
Not every POC experience is interchangeable.
A stereotype that affects Black athletes is not automatically a stereotype that affects Asian athletes. A stereotype that affects Latino athletes is not automatically a stereotype that affects Indigenous athletes.
If weāre going to talk about race- and we should- we have to talk about the actual racial dynamics at play, not just substitute āperson of colorā for a more specific analysis.
Sometimes no racial analysis is better than bad racial analysis.
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MyShane is uncomfortable showing physical affection in public after years of being so deep in the closet he didn't even let himself recognise his own sexuality. However, that is so dramatically overshadowed by how possessive he is over Ilya. All Ilya has to do is smile at a pretty waitress and Shane is in his lap with his tongue so far down his throat it makes intubation look non-invasive in comparison.
So one year for charity different pro athletes get asked to participate in a live game based on one of those āhow well do you know your partnerā games but instead itās āhow well do you know your rivalā and participating means you get to raise money for a charity of your choice and obviously Shane and Ilya want to promote the Irina Project so they agree and go up against other current famous rivals from other sports
And Shane and Ilya discuss ahead of time that obviously theyāll have to just play things off as they usually do, light hearted chirps back and forth and what not, āwinningā is just for the show and wonāt impact how much money gets made for their charity so it doesnāt matter. Except then they get there and become overtaken by the need to Win and Be the Best and they are the best. So without needing to discuss changing the plan, as soon as the questions start they lock in and decide that actually they have to demolish everyone else
The other rivals are laughing and making jokes at the questions but Shane and Ilya are deadly serious and the host starts to get a little weirded out by the fact that they actually know the answers and arenāt just saying things like āhow many goals last season? Probably one less than me hahaā and actually have each others stats memorized
Because the audience is loving it they go to a lightning round thatās just Shane and Ilya and itās now the usual couple game questions and theyāre still getting them right because they can make excuses for knowing later, right now is about Winning
āWhat is Shaneās favorite breakfast?ā
āKale protein shake with a scoop of peanut butter and a handful of blueberries.ā
āOk um, what is Ilyaās favorite breakfast?ā
āTwo sausage egg McMuffins with an extra slice of cheese and hashbrowns.ā
āWhat is something on Shaneās bucket list?ā
āSleeping in one of those see through igloos under the northern lights.ā
āWhat is something on Ilyaās bucket list?ā
āThat thing where you feed giraffes at a zoo.ā
āOk last one. I think we all know Shaneās answer is former paramour Rose Landry, but who do you think is the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with is?ā
*through teeth gritted so tight he is in danger of chipping one* āProbably a model. Or something.ā
āā¦ Yeah, letās go with that.ā
Years later when theyāre out Shane reshares the clip and the only non-PR approved thing he says on the matter is āIt was me, by the way. I am the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with.ā
ilya rozanov whoās known to boston as the mysterious fuckboy from russia who chirps like heās getting paid for it and is crazy good at hockey. one day a teammate is absent from a few games in a row and turns back up to practice with a fucking newborn and theyāre all in their hockey gear fawning over this tiny baby. then once everyoneās said hi before practice, the crowd parts and ilyas just stood by the doorway, a literal deer in headlights staring at the bundle of blankets in his teammates arms and-
ādo you wanna hold him?ā
ilyaās moving forward before he can process the words and everyoneās holding their breath as he gathers the newborn into his arms, pausing to take his gloves off first. itās a few tense seconds before the baby babbles and shifts slightly before tucking his head into the crook of his arm and swiftly falling to sleep.
ilya looks up to see his whole team stifling grins, āi think weāve found the new babysitterā and he bites back a chirp because he doesnāt want to wake the baby heās holding so delicately to his chest.
heās stuck on the sidelines for the whole practice while he rocks the baby through the slams against walls, waving its little arm towards its dad when it eventually wakes up.
and yeah pictures surface soon after of fucking rozanov staring down at the baby in his arms with the fucking softest eyes and twitter has a field day proving heās a softie at heart
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It's so important to me that everyone who meets Ilya feels safe around him. Shane at age 19 trusting him with his body and his sexuality and his reputation therefore his whole career. Svetlana who left home and could've gone anywhere but chose to move to Boston because guess who also lives there. Every person he's ever hooked up with because that's 100+ of people trusting him and saying yes. Yuna and David who spent less than an hour around him (Ilyushka not Rozanov) and accepted him as Shane's boyfriend even though they've spent the last decade hating him on Shane's behalf. Jackie trusting him with her kids after only meeting him once. Harris's family inviting him over so many times. His neighbors' kids making it a habit to wish him good luck before games. Troy coming out to him when it's his first time saying it out loud. Luca asking him for advice because he's finding it hard to "meet people". Coach Wiebe coming out to him and telling him about the guy he was in love with.
He's the safe space he needed growing up. He's the comfort person he wished for when he felt like he had no one. He's the familiar warm presence who has so much love to give to make up for all the love that was taken away from him.
i find so funny that so many fics write shane as a nagging wife that would be so mad at ilya joking around and fighting on ice but shane would never be mad at Ilya for that. everything ilya does shane finds it so endearing. shane loves the hell of his russian man. the only thing that makes shane mad is jealousy and when ilya refuses to be open with him but other than that? nah shane loves every aspect of ilyaās personality.
inside you there are two wolves. both is obsessed with the 'irina rozanova lives' tag on ao3. but one wants fics about irina and shane brotp, the two people who love ilya the most and look at him like he hung the moon and want the best for him and know how to get him out of his own head and believe he is a good person, the best person in fact. the other wolf is a little messy. it wants irina to be realistic, a russian woman who believes in her faith. a woman who doesn't want her son to marry a man, not when he is technically still attracted to women. it wants irina to try and manipulate ilya to marry svetlana, his childhood best friend. it wants irina to be scared that ilya will give up her and russian for shane. it wants her to be terrified and try to sabotage shane and ilya's relationship. it wants shane to fight back tooth and nail because he ain't scared of her. it wants shane to tell her ilya is his boyfriend and no longer mommy's boy. the second wolf wants shane and irina bitch fight.
Irina is a smart and curious child with big dreams. She gets into figure skating. Sheās good, she wants to be the best. In her late teens she gets a boyfriend. Heās good at first, sweet, but soon starts getting jealous and controlling. Every time sheās not with him, she has to tell him what sheās doing and with whom. She stops going out, she gets more and more isolated. Sheās with him all the time. Itās not enough. When she arrives 5 minutes later than the agreed upon time, he accuses her of cheating and hits her.
Sheās 19 now, she hasnāt been with him for almost a year. Sheās doing better. Her mother asks her if she doesnāt want to start going out again. She means well. Sheās so beautiful. She meets an older man. He isnāt as sweet as her first boyfriend was, but look where that got her. He treats her well and clearly cares about her. He works for the police and is well connected. Heāll protect her.
Sheās 20 now and pregnant. She wanted to try figure skating again. Or maybe go to college. Grigori keeps calling her a silly girl. He tells her she only has to make him look good. Sheās so pretty. She just needs to not embarrass him. Canāt she see how the other wives behave? How is it so difficult to organize a party? Doesnāt she have everything she needs?
Alexei is born and sheās so tired. She doesnāt know what sheās doing wrong. She wants her mother but Grigori barely lets her see her. Alexei is a difficult baby, she thinks. He cries all the time. She canāt get him to eat. She canāt get him to sleep. She has barely slept herself. āHow is this so difficult for you?ā, she hears, āevery woman does it.ā She dreams of disappearing.
Alexei finally sleeps for a few hours and meal time is easier now that he eats solid foods. She likes spending time with him. But he needs her too much sometimes. Thereās something in him that reminds her of Grigori. She doesnāt dwell on that; she canāt resent her own child. She dreams of having her own house, of skating, of going to school again.
Grigori thinks she spends too much time with Alexei. Heās a big boy now, he shouldnāt need his mother so much. He starts getting jealous of his own son. She leaves Alexei crying sometimes; itās better that way. She needs to pay attention to Grigori.
Alexei has a fever and Grigori tells her to get dressed; they have a party to attend. She tells him no; she will stay and take care of her child. He grabs her, locks her in her room, and reminds her of her place in the house. She can hear Alexei crying, a weak cry. She starts screaming and banging on the door, she has to get out. Something breaks and she canāt hear Alexei anymore. Her throat is raw from screaming when the door is open. āYou will remember what I can do.ā She doesnāt say no again. She starts thinking of her plan to leave, she will try to take Alexei. She will be good for now.
Sheās pregnant again. She canāt sleep; she canāt eat. Alexei is acting strange, has more tantrums. Heās cruel sometimes, he keeps reminding her of Grigori. She canāt have another son. She will not survive all the crying and sleepless nights. She keeps making monsters. She mustnāt think that. Alexei keeps asking for her attention. Grigori reminds her she needs to spend time with him; she is not to lock herself with her child again. She needs to leave. Her life is over. She will never escape now.
The moments she has alone, she keeps talking to her son. Ilya, she will name him. Heās her only comfort now. She begs him to please help her. He canāt be difficult. She will do her best to protect him, but he has to be good. She tells him her fears, she confides in him. Sheās terrified. āPlease donāt be like your brother, please.ā She loves Alexei, she does. āI wonāt survive if you are like him.ā She will need to find a way to leave.
Ilya is born. He looks like her. Heās a sweet baby, nothing like Alexei. He eats when she asks. He sleeps through the night. He never cries. She worries about that sometimes but when she looks at him, he looks well. Big eyes focused on her. Heās starting to smile now, every time he looks at her, he smiles. She canāt help but smile back. She continues to talk to him, tells him all her worries, asks him to help her. Heās all sheās got.
Alexei is getting more difficult now. He never stands still, always running, always breaking things. Grigori doesnāt like that, tells her she doesnāt know how to raise him. Alexei gets in trouble in preschool, heās hitting other kids. The teachers say heās a cruel boy. Grigori makes him change schools. She wonders if they were right, if whatever is wrong with Grigori, whatever is wrong with her that makes her hate her own child sometimes, has been passed to him. But then she sees the way he is with Ilya, so gentle, so careful, always making him laugh. Ilya canāt take his eyes off him, always trying to copy him. Ilyaās first word is Alexeiās name. Ilya is like that, bringing the best in everyone.
Ilya is 3 now. He loves playing with mama. They are picking flowers outside when he sees Alexei. He rushes to him and offers him the prettiest one, tall and golden yellow with pink on the outside. Alexei doesnāt even look at it and shoves him to the side. His father is right behind, an angry look on his face. He pats his head and goes inside. Thereās loud noises. He looks at the ground and the flower is destroyed. His mama is hugging him and thatās when he notices heās crying. āForgive himā he hears her say, āhe doesnāt know how to do better. Maybe we can make him a drawing to cheer him up.ā At night he goes to Alexeiās room to give him the drawing but he doesnāt go in. He notices some bruises on his wrist, like he sees in mama sometimes. He wonders if she noticed.
Mama is lying in bed. She had been there with her eyes open for a few hours, the way she is sometimes, when he went to her. Sheās petting his hair now, itās nice. āHave I ever told you about the boy I dated before I met your father?ā He hears her talk about a man whoād scream at her and hit her. She tells him about leaving him. She seems so small, her eyes are on the ceiling, her voice goes on. He closes his eyes and hugs her. āWhat is wrong with me to keep choosing this? How can they sense it in me?ā She is the strongest person he knows. He can hear Alexei turning up the volume of the TV in the living room.
Ilya started hockey lessons. He loves how fast he can go, itās like heās flying. His father goes to see him sometimes, itās the only time heās seen him smile at him. He prefers when he goes with mama, she always tells him heās the best. The coach is talking to his father now. He has his ear to the door but he canāt make out any of the words. When his father opens the door he doesnāt say a word. Later, he takes him out to eat ice-cream and tells him heāll be the best no matter what it takes. It doesnāt feel good like when mama tells him, it feels like an order.
Yesterday kids at school made fun of him for playing with flowers. They say heās like a girl with pretty curly hair. But they donāt say it kindly like his mama when she tells him heās beautiful. They say it with fists and kicks that left a bruise on his tummy. So he decided, today he will not be going to school. Mama finds him in bed, he tells her heās scared. āYes, itās scary,ā he hears, ābut youāre brave.ā
Heās alone at school today but he prefers it that way, no one bothers him. He sees a girl coming his way and he wants her to leave. He will not be rude though, so he just makes a silly face at her. She beams, takes his hand and says āyouāre such a stupid boy, Iām Svetaā They are running now and he never wants to stop. He thinks he loves her.
Alexei has been watching TV for over an hour now. He promised Ilya he would play with him, so Ilya decided to turn it off to remind him. Heās chasing him through the house now, but heās not mad, he can hear him laughing. He turns back to look at him smile, when his father opens the door. It hits him and he falls to the floor. Heās never seen his father so angry. Two punches followed by a whimper and his brother is on the floor. āYou should know better, you canāt let him do whatever he wants.ā āYes papa, thank you papa.ā His father leaves without looking at him. Ilya reaches for his brother, he wants to comfort him, but gets shoved away. Thereās blood on his shirt now and an ache on his ribs. Good, itās him who deserved to get hurt.
Heās going home from school when some older boys show up. He knows they are trouble. They are going after him, and heās running as fast as he can when Alexei shows up. He can rest now, Alexei will always protect him.
Heās trying to skate but his legs are too heavy. Heās too hot and too cold at the same time. His head hurts. Keeping upright is hard but he knows if he sits down, he will not be able to stand up again. He throws up and his coach is calling him. He will be calling his parents. āPlease donāt, please donātā, he dreads seeing his fatherās face if he has to leave early. Itās his mama who picks him up. The way home is hard, heās too tired. She helps him get into bed. Heās burning up. āHeās lazy and a liar, you canāt believe everything that boy says, youāre turning him too soft,ā he can hear his fatherās voice on the phone. His mama comes back. She gently rubs his back, his face, his wrists. āNo Ilyusha, he loves you.ā He falls asleep.
His father is screaming at mama. He canāt make out all the words but itās enough; āsissy, soft, youāre ruining him.ā He grabs her and pins her down, red, angry face so close to hers. Heās at his fatherās back, tiny fingers trying to hold his hands; heās in the air now, being taken to the bathroom. He locks Ilya in there. He can hear everything in the other room. āIāve calm down, papa. Thank you, papa.ā He opens the door now, he can leave. Heās on his mamaās bed, can feel her making soft circles on his wrist. Later at night, when he can hear his father snoring, he goes into their room. He crawls to his motherās side and notices sheās looking at him, tears in her eyes that wonāt fall. He lies on the floor and holds her hand, watches her as she falls asleep. It becomes a habit; he always has to check on her.
Alexei broke a window playing football. Heās not breathing right, words scrambled on their way out of his mouth. āYou have to tell him it was you. He wonāt hurt you.ā Ilya can still see his fatherās hand on his arm.
Ilya got punched today, some boys at school who didnāt like him. Sveta is helping him clean his wounds like she has done so many times before. Alexei sees him and Ilya feels a little safer. āWhen will you learn to toughen up? Such a fag.ā Sveta kicks his shin.
Word gets around that Ilya is the best at hockey. Heās bigger now, stronger. Boys donāt mess with him anymore. Heās learned that he can be loud and mean, and everyone wants to be around him. Heās never felt more alone.
His father is going to hit his mama, heās sure. He raises his hand and Ilya holds it. āStop.ā His father is looking at him, twists his arm. It hurts but he doesnāt show it. It gets him to stop. āMy sweet guardian angel, you will always protect me,ā his mama tells him. āPromise me youāll always be my sweet, soft boy. He canāt take that from you.ā He turns his head away from her, tears running down his face.
Heās beating records now. He can hear his coaches saying heās the best theyāve ever seen. He remembers skating for the first time with his mama. He will get her out of here, he will be the best and make sure they will escape.
His mama spends days on her bed, not moving, barely eating. He talks to her one day, asks her if sheās ever thought of leaving. āI canāt leave you Ilyusha, youāre my reason to stay.ā āTake me with you,ā he doesnāt say.
His mama is having a good day today. They spent the whole morning together like when he was little. They have to go to school in the evening, Alexei is receiving an award. Itās almost time, heās changed his clothes. His mama is napping but heāll have to wake her. She wonāt move, she wonāt breathe. Sheās holding her necklace, heās holding her. Thereās a ringing in his ears, he can hear a high, ragged sound but he canāt tell where itās coming from. His father is in the room now, telling him to move. His feet wonāt cooperate. He gets pushed away. āThis was an accident,ā his tone brooks no argument. In his own room, he realizes his throat is raw. He looks at his hand and sees the cross staring at him. āYouāre free now. You should have taken me with youā, he doesnāt say.
Alexei wonāt look at Ilya anymore. Ilya keeps practicing and heās getting better and better, no one can compare to him. Alexei wonāt look at him. His father brings him to parties, introduces him to all the right people. He will be a star. āI have to keep him in line, he gets lazy otherwise.ā Alexei is in a bathroom somewhere hooking up with a girl and doing coke. He still wonāt look at him. Ilya gets more and more popular. Alexei will join the police, like father did before. His father wonāt look at Alexei.
He meets Sasha. He likes him. Heās fun and Ilya can be fun with him. People enjoy when heās fun. Sasha can be soft too, in his own way. Ilya appreciates that, he hasnāt been soft in a long time.
Ilya starts hooking up with girls sometimes and heās having fun. They like that he doesnāt care and when heās a little mean. He prefers Sveta though, they can cuddle afterwards.
He sleeps with Sasha and thatās a different rush. He feels unstoppable. Heās the best, even Sveta thinks so, and she knows more than anyone else.
He knows heās good but now heāll have an opportunity to show it too. Shane Hollander thinks he canāt see right through him, but he wonāt act so nice once Ilya beats him. He knows what heās like, perfect, golden boy, from a perfect, golden family. Heās not used to competition. But why does he seem genuine then?
Hollander is good. Not as good as him, but good. Playing is fun again. And heās learning that teasing him is even more fun. He keeps thinking about him, but thatās only because heās not used to having someone on his level.
He gets drafted first. He is the best like he promised his mama. He escaped, but he isnāt free.
Hollander is a surprise. Heās never had this much fun with anyone else. Heās a risk and thatās part of it. He keeps feeling wrong-footed, he doesnāt follow the same script as everyone else. He hides so much and yet heās so genuine. He canāt stop poking him, and poking him, and poking him. And Hollander lets him. Seems to like it. Itās exhilarating.
He needs to be pushed, to be teased, to be touched. But he also craves gentleness and softness. Ilya can give him that without it being more.
He sees his face on a stupid ad. He wants to text him. He had a good practice today. He wants to text him. Heās making friends, and going out. He wants to text him. He texts Sveta instead.
Hollander wants him, thatās clear. And thatās good, heās used to being wanted, he likes being needed. He can give him what he wants. He can make it fun, so Hollander will keep coming back.
Ilya is back in Russia. His father is getting sicker, Alexei is unbearable, only talks to him to ask for more. Ilya almost hit him today. He really is his fatherās son.
Ilya needs Hollander, wants to text him. But heās reminded of the poison that is his family, heās reminded of the risks. He wonāt risk Hollander.
He wins the Stanley Cup. He escaped, but he still isnāt free. āFor you Mama, it was always for you.ā
Hollander still wants him and it gets easier to breathe. He likes how he reacts to his teasing and itās good sex, thatās the only reason. No point in stopping, itās just having fun and they both clearly enjoy it. He wonāt ruin him though, he wonāt get close, thereās no reason to. Ilya dreams of an escape, but he will just keep hanging around for as long as he wants him to.
It keeps being fun. Heās never felt more alive. Playing is better than ever. He goes out, his teammates like him. Heās popular, everyone wants him. Heās not hooking up with random people as much but thatās because heās feeling better than ever, he doesnāt need it as much anymore, and thatās the only reason.
He wonders what Hollander is doing, what he's eating, what he's reading. He collects little pieces of information, how he looks when he focuses, how he talks to reporters and how he chirps on the ice. He wants to know.
Heās counting down the days to meeting Hollander. Heās texting him. He thinks it would be good to hang out with him more, outside of sex. He wants him to stay the night. He wants him to drink the ginger ale he bought for him. He wants to cook him a meal and he wants him to eat it. He wants to kiss him. He wants to hold him. He wants and wants and wants.
He learned that he canāt want things a long time ago, but heās stupid, it takes too many times for it to truly sink in. Every time he sees Shane with her, heās reminded of the same lesson. He wasnāt made to have, only to give.
He knows Shane wants him, heāll just have to accept that itās only for this. He can be fun, he can give him that.
Seeing Shane again is better and worse than he could have anticipated. He canāt stop looking at him. Maybe he can have him again, and without her, which is better than he imagined.
Shane wants more, but he doesnāt understand. Ilya isnāt that, he isnāt big and fun and laid back, heās broken, and small, and scared. He canāt want that, so why does it feel like maybe he can?
His father dies and he has no reason to see his brother again. It should be freeing, heās not sure why it doesnāt feel that way.
He calls Shane, he always wants to talk to him. For once, he is the one who wants more, more, more, but heās learning to be happy with what he gets.
He canāt breathe. He wants to go to him and hold his hand. Heās not moving. Is he breathing? He needs to get to him. His feet wonāt cooperate. He gets pushed away. Everything his heart touches dies.
Heās fine and smiling and relaxed. He is okay. He will be okay. He wants to comfort him. He wants to give him everything he asks for. He canāt tell him no, but he doesnāt know how to make this possible.
Scott Hunter is kissing a man and he hopes. Maybe he will be free.
Heās scared, but he can be brave, he can be soft. Heās trying, he shares little by little and Shane catches him. He can be loud, and fun, and mean, and scared, and small, and soft. Heās always there. He looks at big sad eyes with tears that wonāt fall and he remembers. He hears him laugh and sees him smile and he remembers. He wants to hide, but heās held and he remembers. Shane looks at him and sees him and he remembers. He can be loved.
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one thing I think people forget when discussing ilya is that, despite how fucking deep head over heels he is for shane, he still exists as a person outside of shane. heās a captain, heās a brother, heās a son, heās a teammate, heās a friend, heās a sexual partner. and heās also bisexual. he isnāt āshanesexualā. he is bi. sexual. he labels himself as such in the books several times, even after they are married.
he is attracted to women. he likes fucking women. and by book canon, he attributes his attraction to men at ā20 percentā¦.maybe 30 percentā. he does have a preference for women. and I know that kills your yaoi dreams for that to be canon, but bisexual people/characters do not exist to fulfill your yaoi headcanons. they donāt exist to facilitate your threesome guilt. the fact of Ilyaās character is that he is bisexual, he prefers women, and he happened to fall in love with a man.
queer representation is so important, bisexual representation is so important, and I know that ilya being attracted to women is, for many of you, the least interesting thing about him (or often even irrelevant to you). but, to me, given the story at hand and the context of hollanov, I think itās one of the most interesting things about him. and itās also inextricable from his character. he is bi. he will always be bi. whether shane and ilya stay together forever or not. ilya does not only exist in the bubble of shane and who he is in relation to him.
ilya's bisexuality really is such a vital part of his character and his identity and i Do get a little bothered when people (usually normies/straight people) just refer to him as gay bc he's in love with a man....but that's just my personal feelings as a #bi person
ACTUALLY i'm adding onto this bc there's something i always notice in ep 6 that i wanna talk abt briefly, and that's yuna & david's faces when shane says "ilya likes both" - especially yuna
there's concern there. it's obvious. and it's SO common when it comes to bisexuality bc there's this huge and annoying misconception that bisexual people are unfaithful unloyal cheaters. and you can see it in her face as she processes the information that this is an immediate concern for her and for her son.
and now let's look at ilya's face
now he's concerned, because he knows he has to explain himself (which he does. he shouldn't have to but he does) and he's basically throwing out a hail mary to shane's parents that says hey, wait, no, i'm not gonna cheat on your son. i love your son. just because i'm bisexual doesn't mean i would hurt shane.
and this is something bisexual people deal with all the time btw. not just from straight people, not just from gen x & boomers, but from our own community too. it's incredibly exhausting. anyway i just notice this every time it makes my heart hurt a bit for ilya.
