my ao3| nnt | miraculous| bridgerton | folk of the air| six of crows | young royals | omar rudberg | aot | hollanov | anything i stumble across that I love ๐๐ป๐
It's so important to me that everyone who meets Ilya feels safe around him. Shane at age 19 trusting him with his body and his sexuality and his reputation therefore his whole career. Svetlana who left home and could've gone anywhere but chose to move to Boston because guess who also lives there. Every person he's ever hooked up with because that's 100+ of people trusting him and saying yes. Yuna and David who spent less than an hour around him (Ilyushka not Rozanov) and accepted him as Shane's boyfriend even though they've spent the last decade hating him on Shane's behalf. Jackie trusting him with her kids after only meeting him once. Harris's family inviting him over so many times. His neighbors' kids making it a habit to wish him good luck before games. Troy coming out to him when it's his first time saying it out loud. Luca asking him for advice because he's finding it hard to "meet people". Coach Wiebe coming out to him and telling him about the guy he was in love with.
He's the safe space he needed growing up. He's the comfort person he wished for when he felt like he had no one. He's the familiar warm presence who has so much love to give to make up for all the love that was taken away from him.
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i find so funny that so many fics write shane as a nagging wife that would be so mad at ilya joking around and fighting on ice but shane would never be mad at Ilya for that. everything ilya does shane finds it so endearing. shane loves the hell of his russian man. the only thing that makes shane mad is jealousy and when ilya refuses to be open with him but other than that? nah shane loves every aspect of ilyaโs personality.
inside you there are two wolves. both is obsessed with the 'irina rozanova lives' tag on ao3. but one wants fics about irina and shane brotp, the two people who love ilya the most and look at him like he hung the moon and want the best for him and know how to get him out of his own head and believe he is a good person, the best person in fact. the other wolf is a little messy. it wants irina to be realistic, a russian woman who believes in her faith. a woman who doesn't want her son to marry a man, not when he is technically still attracted to women. it wants irina to try and manipulate ilya to marry svetlana, his childhood best friend. it wants irina to be scared that ilya will give up her and russian for shane. it wants her to be terrified and try to sabotage shane and ilya's relationship. it wants shane to fight back tooth and nail because he ain't scared of her. it wants shane to tell her ilya is his boyfriend and no longer mommy's boy. the second wolf wants shane and irina bitch fight.
Irina is a smart and curious child with big dreams. She gets into figure skating. Sheโs good, she wants to be the best. In her late teens she gets a boyfriend. Heโs good at first, sweet, but soon starts getting jealous and controlling. Every time sheโs not with him, she has to tell him what sheโs doing and with whom. She stops going out, she gets more and more isolated. Sheโs with him all the time. Itโs not enough. When she arrives 5 minutes later than the agreed upon time, he accuses her of cheating and hits her.
Sheโs 19 now, she hasnโt been with him for almost a year. Sheโs doing better. Her mother asks her if she doesnโt want to start going out again. She means well. Sheโs so beautiful. She meets an older man. He isnโt as sweet as her first boyfriend was, but look where that got her. He treats her well and clearly cares about her. He works for the police and is well connected. Heโll protect her.
Sheโs 20 now and pregnant. She wanted to try figure skating again. Or maybe go to college. Grigori keeps calling her a silly girl. He tells her she only has to make him look good. Sheโs so pretty. She just needs to not embarrass him. Canโt she see how the other wives behave? How is it so difficult to organize a party? Doesnโt she have everything she needs?
Alexei is born and sheโs so tired. She doesnโt know what sheโs doing wrong. She wants her mother but Grigori barely lets her see her. Alexei is a difficult baby, she thinks. He cries all the time. She canโt get him to eat. She canโt get him to sleep. She has barely slept herself. โHow is this so difficult for you?โ, she hears, โevery woman does it.โ She dreams of disappearing.
Alexei finally sleeps for a few hours and meal time is easier now that he eats solid foods. She likes spending time with him. But he needs her too much sometimes. Thereโs something in him that reminds her of Grigori. She doesnโt dwell on that; she canโt resent her own child. She dreams of having her own house, of skating, of going to school again.
Grigori thinks she spends too much time with Alexei. Heโs a big boy now, he shouldnโt need his mother so much. He starts getting jealous of his own son. She leaves Alexei crying sometimes; itโs better that way. She needs to pay attention to Grigori.
Alexei has a fever and Grigori tells her to get dressed; they have a party to attend. She tells him no; she will stay and take care of her child. He grabs her, locks her in her room, and reminds her of her place in the house. She can hear Alexei crying, a weak cry. She starts screaming and banging on the door, she has to get out. Something breaks and she canโt hear Alexei anymore. Her throat is raw from screaming when the door is open. โYou will remember what I can do.โ She doesnโt say no again. She starts thinking of her plan to leave, she will try to take Alexei. She will be good for now.
Sheโs pregnant again. She canโt sleep; she canโt eat. Alexei is acting strange, has more tantrums. Heโs cruel sometimes, he keeps reminding her of Grigori. She canโt have another son. She will not survive all the crying and sleepless nights. She keeps making monsters. She mustnโt think that. Alexei keeps asking for her attention. Grigori reminds her she needs to spend time with him; she is not to lock herself with her child again. She needs to leave. Her life is over. She will never escape now.
The moments she has alone, she keeps talking to her son. Ilya, she will name him. Heโs her only comfort now. She begs him to please help her. He canโt be difficult. She will do her best to protect him, but he has to be good. She tells him her fears, she confides in him. Sheโs terrified. โPlease donโt be like your brother, please.โ She loves Alexei, she does. โI wonโt survive if you are like him.โ She will need to find a way to leave.
Ilya is born. He looks like her. Heโs a sweet baby, nothing like Alexei. He eats when she asks. He sleeps through the night. He never cries. She worries about that sometimes but when she looks at him, he looks well. Big eyes focused on her. Heโs starting to smile now, every time he looks at her, he smiles. She canโt help but smile back. She continues to talk to him, tells him all her worries, asks him to help her. Heโs all sheโs got.
Alexei is getting more difficult now. He never stands still, always running, always breaking things. Grigori doesnโt like that, tells her she doesnโt know how to raise him. Alexei gets in trouble in preschool, heโs hitting other kids. The teachers say heโs a cruel boy. Grigori makes him change schools. She wonders if they were right, if whatever is wrong with Grigori, whatever is wrong with her that makes her hate her own child sometimes, has been passed to him. But then she sees the way he is with Ilya, so gentle, so careful, always making him laugh. Ilya canโt take his eyes off him, always trying to copy him. Ilyaโs first word is Alexeiโs name. Ilya is like that, bringing the best in everyone.
Ilya is 3 now. He loves playing with mama. They are picking flowers outside when he sees Alexei. He rushes to him and offers him the prettiest one, tall and golden yellow with pink on the outside. Alexei doesnโt even look at it and shoves him to the side. His father is right behind, an angry look on his face. He pats his head and goes inside. Thereโs loud noises. He looks at the ground and the flower is destroyed. His mama is hugging him and thatโs when he notices heโs crying. โForgive himโ he hears her say, โhe doesnโt know how to do better. Maybe we can make him a drawing to cheer him up.โ At night he goes to Alexeiโs room to give him the drawing but he doesnโt go in. He notices some bruises on his wrist, like he sees in mama sometimes. He wonders if she noticed.
Mama is lying in bed. She had been there with her eyes open for a few hours, the way she is sometimes, when he went to her. Sheโs petting his hair now, itโs nice. โHave I ever told you about the boy I dated before I met your father?โ He hears her talk about a man whoโd scream at her and hit her. She tells him about leaving him. She seems so small, her eyes are on the ceiling, her voice goes on. He closes his eyes and hugs her. โWhat is wrong with me to keep choosing this? How can they sense it in me?โ She is the strongest person he knows. He can hear Alexei turning up the volume of the TV in the living room.
Ilya started hockey lessons. He loves how fast he can go, itโs like heโs flying. His father goes to see him sometimes, itโs the only time heโs seen him smile at him. He prefers when he goes with mama, she always tells him heโs the best. The coach is talking to his father now. He has his ear to the door but he canโt make out any of the words. When his father opens the door he doesnโt say a word. Later, he takes him out to eat ice-cream and tells him heโll be the best no matter what it takes. It doesnโt feel good like when mama tells him, it feels like an order.
Yesterday kids at school made fun of him for playing with flowers. They say heโs like a girl with pretty curly hair. But they donโt say it kindly like his mama when she tells him heโs beautiful. They say it with fists and kicks that left a bruise on his tummy. So he decided, today he will not be going to school. Mama finds him in bed, he tells her heโs scared. โYes, itโs scary,โ he hears, โbut youโre brave.โ
Heโs alone at school today but he prefers it that way, no one bothers him. He sees a girl coming his way and he wants her to leave. He will not be rude though, so he just makes a silly face at her. She beams, takes his hand and says โyouโre such a stupid boy, Iโm Svetaโ They are running now and he never wants to stop. He thinks he loves her.
Alexei has been watching TV for over an hour now. He promised Ilya he would play with him, so Ilya decided to turn it off to remind him. Heโs chasing him through the house now, but heโs not mad, he can hear him laughing. He turns back to look at him smile, when his father opens the door. It hits him and he falls to the floor. Heโs never seen his father so angry. Two punches followed by a whimper and his brother is on the floor. โYou should know better, you canโt let him do whatever he wants.โ โYes papa, thank you papa.โ His father leaves without looking at him. Ilya reaches for his brother, he wants to comfort him, but gets shoved away. Thereโs blood on his shirt now and an ache on his ribs. Good, itโs him who deserved to get hurt.
Heโs going home from school when some older boys show up. He knows they are trouble. They are going after him, and heโs running as fast as he can when Alexei shows up. He can rest now, Alexei will always protect him.
Heโs trying to skate but his legs are too heavy. Heโs too hot and too cold at the same time. His head hurts. Keeping upright is hard but he knows if he sits down, he will not be able to stand up again. He throws up and his coach is calling him. He will be calling his parents. โPlease donโt, please donโtโ, he dreads seeing his fatherโs face if he has to leave early. Itโs his mama who picks him up. The way home is hard, heโs too tired. She helps him get into bed. Heโs burning up. โHeโs lazy and a liar, you canโt believe everything that boy says, youโre turning him too soft,โ he can hear his fatherโs voice on the phone. His mama comes back. She gently rubs his back, his face, his wrists. โNo Ilyusha, he loves you.โ He falls asleep.
His father is screaming at mama. He canโt make out all the words but itโs enough; โsissy, soft, youโre ruining him.โ He grabs her and pins her down, red, angry face so close to hers. Heโs at his fatherโs back, tiny fingers trying to hold his hands; heโs in the air now, being taken to the bathroom. He locks Ilya in there. He can hear everything in the other room. โIโve calm down, papa. Thank you, papa.โ He opens the door now, he can leave. Heโs on his mamaโs bed, can feel her making soft circles on his wrist. Later at night, when he can hear his father snoring, he goes into their room. He crawls to his motherโs side and notices sheโs looking at him, tears in her eyes that wonโt fall. He lies on the floor and holds her hand, watches her as she falls asleep. It becomes a habit; he always has to check on her.
Alexei broke a window playing football. Heโs not breathing right, words scrambled on their way out of his mouth. โYou have to tell him it was you. He wonโt hurt you.โ Ilya can still see his fatherโs hand on his arm.
Ilya got punched today, some boys at school who didnโt like him. Sveta is helping him clean his wounds like she has done so many times before. Alexei sees him and Ilya feels a little safer. โWhen will you learn to toughen up? Such a fag.โ Sveta kicks his shin.
Word gets around that Ilya is the best at hockey. Heโs bigger now, stronger. Boys donโt mess with him anymore. Heโs learned that he can be loud and mean, and everyone wants to be around him. Heโs never felt more alone.
His father is going to hit his mama, heโs sure. He raises his hand and Ilya holds it. โStop.โ His father is looking at him, twists his arm. It hurts but he doesnโt show it. It gets him to stop. โMy sweet guardian angel, you will always protect me,โ his mama tells him. โPromise me youโll always be my sweet, soft boy. He canโt take that from you.โ He turns his head away from her, tears running down his face.
Heโs beating records now. He can hear his coaches saying heโs the best theyโve ever seen. He remembers skating for the first time with his mama. He will get her out of here, he will be the best and make sure they will escape.
His mama spends days on her bed, not moving, barely eating. He talks to her one day, asks her if sheโs ever thought of leaving. โI canโt leave you Ilyusha, youโre my reason to stay.โ โTake me with you,โ he doesnโt say.
His mama is having a good day today. They spent the whole morning together like when he was little. They have to go to school in the evening, Alexei is receiving an award. Itโs almost time, heโs changed his clothes. His mama is napping but heโll have to wake her. She wonโt move, she wonโt breathe. Sheโs holding her necklace, heโs holding her. Thereโs a ringing in his ears, he can hear a high, ragged sound but he canโt tell where itโs coming from. His father is in the room now, telling him to move. His feet wonโt cooperate. He gets pushed away. โThis was an accident,โ his tone brooks no argument. In his own room, he realizes his throat is raw. He looks at his hand and sees the cross staring at him. โYouโre free now. You should have taken me with youโ, he doesnโt say.
Alexei wonโt look at Ilya anymore. Ilya keeps practicing and heโs getting better and better, no one can compare to him. Alexei wonโt look at him. His father brings him to parties, introduces him to all the right people. He will be a star. โI have to keep him in line, he gets lazy otherwise.โ Alexei is in a bathroom somewhere hooking up with a girl and doing coke. He still wonโt look at him. Ilya gets more and more popular. Alexei will join the police, like father did before. His father wonโt look at Alexei.
He meets Sasha. He likes him. Heโs fun and Ilya can be fun with him. People enjoy when heโs fun. Sasha can be soft too, in his own way. Ilya appreciates that, he hasnโt been soft in a long time.
Ilya starts hooking up with girls sometimes and heโs having fun. They like that he doesnโt care and when heโs a little mean. He prefers Sveta though, they can cuddle afterwards.
He sleeps with Sasha and thatโs a different rush. He feels unstoppable. Heโs the best, even Sveta thinks so, and she knows more than anyone else.
He knows heโs good but now heโll have an opportunity to show it too. Shane Hollander thinks he canโt see right through him, but he wonโt act so nice once Ilya beats him. He knows what heโs like, perfect, golden boy, from a perfect, golden family. Heโs not used to competition. But why does he seem genuine then?
Hollander is good. Not as good as him, but good. Playing is fun again. And heโs learning that teasing him is even more fun. He keeps thinking about him, but thatโs only because heโs not used to having someone on his level.
He gets drafted first. He is the best like he promised his mama. He escaped, but he isnโt free.
Hollander is a surprise. Heโs never had this much fun with anyone else. Heโs a risk and thatโs part of it. He keeps feeling wrong-footed, he doesnโt follow the same script as everyone else. He hides so much and yet heโs so genuine. He canโt stop poking him, and poking him, and poking him. And Hollander lets him. Seems to like it. Itโs exhilarating.
He needs to be pushed, to be teased, to be touched. But he also craves gentleness and softness. Ilya can give him that without it being more.
He sees his face on a stupid ad. He wants to text him. He had a good practice today. He wants to text him. Heโs making friends, and going out. He wants to text him. He texts Sveta instead.
Hollander wants him, thatโs clear. And thatโs good, heโs used to being wanted, he likes being needed. He can give him what he wants. He can make it fun, so Hollander will keep coming back.
Ilya is back in Russia. His father is getting sicker, Alexei is unbearable, only talks to him to ask for more. Ilya almost hit him today. He really is his fatherโs son.
Ilya needs Hollander, wants to text him. But heโs reminded of the poison that is his family, heโs reminded of the risks. He wonโt risk Hollander.
He wins the Stanley Cup. He escaped, but he still isnโt free. โFor you Mama, it was always for you.โ
Hollander still wants him and it gets easier to breathe. He likes how he reacts to his teasing and itโs good sex, thatโs the only reason. No point in stopping, itโs just having fun and they both clearly enjoy it. He wonโt ruin him though, he wonโt get close, thereโs no reason to. Ilya dreams of an escape, but he will just keep hanging around for as long as he wants him to.
It keeps being fun. Heโs never felt more alive. Playing is better than ever. He goes out, his teammates like him. Heโs popular, everyone wants him. Heโs not hooking up with random people as much but thatโs because heโs feeling better than ever, he doesnโt need it as much anymore, and thatโs the only reason.
He wonders what Hollander is doing, what he's eating, what he's reading. He collects little pieces of information, how he looks when he focuses, how he talks to reporters and how he chirps on the ice. He wants to know.
Heโs counting down the days to meeting Hollander. Heโs texting him. He thinks it would be good to hang out with him more, outside of sex. He wants him to stay the night. He wants him to drink the ginger ale he bought for him. He wants to cook him a meal and he wants him to eat it. He wants to kiss him. He wants to hold him. He wants and wants and wants.
He learned that he canโt want things a long time ago, but heโs stupid, it takes too many times for it to truly sink in. Every time he sees Shane with her, heโs reminded of the same lesson. He wasnโt made to have, only to give.
He knows Shane wants him, heโll just have to accept that itโs only for this. He can be fun, he can give him that.
Seeing Shane again is better and worse than he could have anticipated. He canโt stop looking at him. Maybe he can have him again, and without her, which is better than he imagined.
Shane wants more, but he doesnโt understand. Ilya isnโt that, he isnโt big and fun and laid back, heโs broken, and small, and scared. He canโt want that, so why does it feel like maybe he can?
His father dies and he has no reason to see his brother again. It should be freeing, heโs not sure why it doesnโt feel that way.
He calls Shane, he always wants to talk to him. For once, he is the one who wants more, more, more, but heโs learning to be happy with what he gets.
He canโt breathe. He wants to go to him and hold his hand. Heโs not moving. Is he breathing? He needs to get to him. His feet wonโt cooperate. He gets pushed away. Everything his heart touches dies.
Heโs fine and smiling and relaxed. He is okay. He will be okay. He wants to comfort him. He wants to give him everything he asks for. He canโt tell him no, but he doesnโt know how to make this possible.
Scott Hunter is kissing a man and he hopes. Maybe he will be free.
Heโs scared, but he can be brave, he can be soft. Heโs trying, he shares little by little and Shane catches him. He can be loud, and fun, and mean, and scared, and small, and soft. Heโs always there. He looks at big sad eyes with tears that wonโt fall and he remembers. He hears him laugh and sees him smile and he remembers. He wants to hide, but heโs held and he remembers. Shane looks at him and sees him and he remembers. He can be loved.
one thing I think people forget when discussing ilya is that, despite how fucking deep head over heels he is for shane, he still exists as a person outside of shane. heโs a captain, heโs a brother, heโs a son, heโs a teammate, heโs a friend, heโs a sexual partner. and heโs also bisexual. he isnโt โshanesexualโ. he is bi. sexual. he labels himself as such in the books several times, even after they are married.
he is attracted to women. he likes fucking women. and by book canon, he attributes his attraction to men at โ20 percentโฆ.maybe 30 percentโ. he does have a preference for women. and I know that kills your yaoi dreams for that to be canon, but bisexual people/characters do not exist to fulfill your yaoi headcanons. they donโt exist to facilitate your threesome guilt. the fact of Ilyaโs character is that he is bisexual, he prefers women, and he happened to fall in love with a man.
queer representation is so important, bisexual representation is so important, and I know that ilya being attracted to women is, for many of you, the least interesting thing about him (or often even irrelevant to you). but, to me, given the story at hand and the context of hollanov, I think itโs one of the most interesting things about him. and itโs also inextricable from his character. he is bi. he will always be bi. whether shane and ilya stay together forever or not. ilya does not only exist in the bubble of shane and who he is in relation to him.
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ilya's bisexuality really is such a vital part of his character and his identity and i Do get a little bothered when people (usually normies/straight people) just refer to him as gay bc he's in love with a man....but that's just my personal feelings as a #bi person
ACTUALLY i'm adding onto this bc there's something i always notice in ep 6 that i wanna talk abt briefly, and that's yuna & david's faces when shane says "ilya likes both" - especially yuna
there's concern there. it's obvious. and it's SO common when it comes to bisexuality bc there's this huge and annoying misconception that bisexual people are unfaithful unloyal cheaters. and you can see it in her face as she processes the information that this is an immediate concern for her and for her son.
and now let's look at ilya's face
now he's concerned, because he knows he has to explain himself (which he does. he shouldn't have to but he does) and he's basically throwing out a hail mary to shane's parents that says hey, wait, no, i'm not gonna cheat on your son. i love your son. just because i'm bisexual doesn't mean i would hurt shane.
and this is something bisexual people deal with all the time btw. not just from straight people, not just from gen x & boomers, but from our own community too. it's incredibly exhausting. anyway i just notice this every time it makes my heart hurt a bit for ilya.
Even beyond all the more pressing reasons rpfers in this fandom piss me off is the fact that the reason all of them insist that Connor and Hudson are together or that theyโre in love is that they genuinely canโt imagine friends being that affectionate with each other. They canโt imagine platonic love looking like that. It is so fucking patriarchal and amatonormative and compulsory monogamy-brained and heteronormative and frankly a little queerphobic actually. And right in front of Svetlana. Relationship anarchy NOW.
hollanov parenting is 100p their son getting drafted first and ilya making them take a family photo where theyre both holding up number ones and shane is begrudgingly holding up a number two
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Can we talk about how both David and Grigori are on the right side of the frame, Yuna is to the left of Shane- but to the left of Ilya is just a sharp drop.
shane getting cuteness aggression for ilya and ilyas all like No Hollander โฆ.I am hot. Alpha Male. secretly elated while shane is squishing his cheeks between his hands
Once upon a time,ย he gears himself to tell Galina.ย There was a man in Russia who was not nice to his wife. And maybe that was the beginning.
โThe beginning?โ Galina asks.
The man was not nice to his two sons either. The eldest grew up doing anything he could to earn his fatherโs approval. By the time he was a man, it was difficult to tell where his father's voice ended and his own began. He probably could have been saved. The youngest son could have done more. He could have saved his mother too.
Galina watches him for a long moment. Her notebook is placed on the side. Itโs nice but also slightly unnerving, to have all of her attention on him. โHow can a child be expected to save people? How can anyone have the responsibility of being a hero?โ
Hereโs the truth: the youngest son was too lazy to help.
i posted a fic two weeks ago and forgot to put it here <33
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