Welcome here!

I expect to have something ready in time to send to those nice people at The Ineffable Con later in the summer, but for now, here is the final entry I plan to include:

“It has been an unusually long time since I last wrote, but I have been rather busy.

The Agency is thriving. Escrael and his fellow angels are doing excellent work, and there’s an enthusiasm in Heaven that I haven’t seen in millennia. After the old engines of Salvation and Damnation, full of arbitrary rules and pitfalls, ground to a halt, I was worried that the Host might turn on each other. Instead, they seem excited to tread this new path with us. Some of the demons have been showing an interest in joining, which might have surprised me if I hadn’t spent so much of my existence learning from Crowley. The Erics, recently unionised, have offered their services — negotiations are ongoing. Demons really are just angels who rejected Her plan for them, not knowing that even their rebellion was fundamental to the scheme. Some are more approachable than others, just like the rest of us. (One could feel rather cynical and disillusioned by the whole matter, but living well, as the proverb goes, is the better vengeance.)

It’s not perfect, but it’s better. We’re still learning to live with the absence of both God and Satan. When he’s in one of his philosophical moods (or after a night of a particularly alcoholic nature), Crowley has been known to advance his favourite theory that they were one and the same, that the angel Lucifer never Fell, because they were only a projection of God, placed among us to seed dissent. I’m still not sure how to feel about that, but Crowley does have a talent for seeing the line at the bottom long before the rest of us.

Some of the demons have forgone their more extreme appearances — the Amnesty removed any restrictions — but others have chosen to keep them as a badge of honour. In the end, the important thing is that they finally have the choice. Freedom is frightening, and it’s going to take time to adjust, particularly as the Hierarchy loses influence. The higher spheres and deeper circles have found their power much depleted, leaving little more than fairly minor miracles to most of us. That’s for the best, really. We need to stop ‘messing the world around’ as someone once said.

There are, of course, other worlds. Alpha Centauri is becoming quite popular; I heard from Gabriel last month, and he and Beelzebub have Opinions about their neighbours. Still, it’s a big universe. I’m sure they’ll all learn to rub along quite nicely and, if they don’t, Barnard’s Star has plenty of room and some lovely views.

Hell looks very different since the Restoration. There are windows and working lights, for one thing, and new facilities. Crowley always did fancy the latest gewgaws — sleek black portable computers that look as if they were primarily designed for their aerodynamic properties, clever watches, fact machines &c — and I think he had a little too much fun sending technological brochures to the demons who took charge of the refit. Initially there was talk of using them to design more efficient tortures for the Damned, but naturally Crowley was prepared for that. When it comes to a choice between patrolling the offal pits and sitting in front of a screen gleefully manipulating hapless beings, the latter has much greater appeal. Apparently it’s called ‘The Sins’, and it seems to be keeping the more… intense demons very entertained.

The cinematograph has also been popular, despite my initial scepticism. There’s talk of erecting further theatres in the Lower Circles and, currently, a great appetite for ‘buddy comedies’ and musicals from the latter half of the twentieth century. No one, thus far, has requested The Sound of Music.

Not all the changes in Hell have been instigated by my clever, imaginative demon. For example, Hell now has a library. The Head Librarian is something of a Tartar, but library penalties are mostly reserved to a scathing comment instead of flaying, so it’s slightly more lenient than the British Library. I meet with the librarians once a month, and try not to look approving when they wistfully talk about what they’d like to do to the demons who mishandle the books.

Heaven is changing, too. A little more slowly, but that’s only to be expected. Obedience is a hard habit to break. Heralds, like Escrael, are helping show the way — they’re naturally curious and gregarious, and eager to learn about humanity rather than just observing them. I’ve yet to find a single one who can resist a cosy chat over a choux bun with Maggie, and Christmas promises to be an interesting time if the Herald angels take a liking to be-bop.

While Escrael oversees the training of research angels, Uriel is in charge of the team that sets up angels and demons in their own little preserves of humanity, all over the world. Not to tempt or judge, but to be something humanity actually needs — an oasis instead of a flood. You might think that a Hell-hardened demon would be repulsed at the idea of protecting the world instead of corrupting it. It all comes down to motivation. Shax and Furfur, for example, are causing all manner of difficulties for something called ‘data centres’.

Dagon had little appetite for technological advancement or a less combative Hell, but neither was she keen on leaving with God or relocating to another star. I’ve heard that she was last seen heading for the Amazon basin, possibly to set herself up as a river god for any lost tribes she encounters. I suspect we’ll be seeing a headline before long about missing missionaries and piranha-gnawed canoes. Religion can be a dangerous pursuit.

Hastur left to rejoin the war, which continues in another space God set aside for the purpose. A few thousand angels and demons went with him. I wonder if they’ll ever grow tired of fighting? I can’t imagine it brings them any satisfaction, but I was never much of a soldier.

You’d be forgiven for assuming that we’d both have had our fill of anything to do with Heaven or Hell. And that was true, for a little while. Crowley wanted to escape the system; I wanted to fix things. In a way, we’ve both got what we wanted. Our own side, the two of us working together without having to hide ourselves or each other. We’re what you might call ‘freelance consultants’. We advise Escrael and Uriel at the Agency. We’re the ‘go-to’ human experts for Joshua’s Reclamation project — teams of demons and angels working together to scour Hell for souls that were judged too severely. ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ looks very good on a stone tablet, but hunger and deprivation care nothing for consequences.

On the subject of souls, we were recently visited by a certain individual who TALKS LIKE THIS. He arrived at the cottage with absolutely no warning, as is his wont, with an expression that could be described as one of ‘terminal annoyance’, if it weren’t for the whole skull business. Neither department has been taking deliveries. Crowley and I are discussing the issue with Joshua and Adam, who is growing up into a very sensible young man. Perhaps it’s time for humanity to have a say in the afterlife, including whether they actually want one.

Not today, though. Today, we have nowhere to be but here in the cottage — the first home that has been just ours. I bought the shop on Whickber Street to indulge my love of books, and it became a refuge. A place for us to avoid the scrutiny of Heaven and Hell. To hide from the consequences of who we are. It will remain a place of safety for those who seek it and under Muriel’s direction it will probably sell far too many books, but I find myself unconcerned. The important ones are here, while the books that other people value will continue to sustain that little corner of Soho. If Muriel needs us, there’s an innocuous ornament on the mantel that will take us there in an instant, meaning that Crowley can save his speed-demon instincts for recreational purposes. The cottage doesn’t have to masquerade as anything. Not a cover for a diligent operative, or a hiding place. Just a home for the two of us, rather more complicated on the inside than it appears from the garden. There are rooms inside that look out onto places very far from these green, rolling downs. There are doors that remain locked to guests, because the human brain struggles with such incongruities as a prosaic wooden portal that leads into empty space. Crowley’s studio is far enough from Earth that the light of his new nebulae won’t reach here for another thousand years. He takes great delight in explaining each new blueprint to me, and my own pleasure is a mirror, anticipating once again folding his hand in mine so that our miracles are perfectly entwined.

I can see him through the window. He’s tending a rose, vivid sunset orange, which clashes joyfully with his hair. Every so often, he glances my way to see if he can get away with a whispered threat or two, and I pretend not to notice, engrossed as I am in my diary. I’ll keep his secrets safe, just as I’ll keep these records of our history safe. They may be full of inconsequential things, but they’re a testament to the choices that have led us here, to an end that’s also a beginning. They start with an angel and a soon-to-be-demon who didn’t change the world so much as witness it and realise we could change ourselves.

I once said that nothing lasts forever, but perhaps I was wrong. If we’re lucky, love can endure all things.

Crowley has waved at me. An invitation that I am loth to turn down after so many years of saying ‘no’. I close with this:

If you want to imagine the future, imagine a bird, flying across the vast and unmapped universe towards a mountain. Imagine a journey that could be depicted by an unwavering line through emptiness, but instead takes the scenic route, which visits sights beautiful beyond description. Imagine occasional peril but more frequent hope, and lazy pauses to enjoy the sheer wonder of existing at all.

Better still, imagine two birds. Taking turns to shelter the other with their wing, making their way unhurriedly towards the end of the universe to see what all the fuss is about. Together.

Let's talk - Part 4 (End)

Continuation of this

-Part 1-

-Part 2-

-Part 3-

(You are at the end)

The foreshadowing from S1, where Crowley(in Aziraphale) chose vanilla ice cream and Aziraphale(in Crowley) chose strawberry ice pop, has been resolved.

Teeny tiny ice cream date ♡

I am the World’s Biggest S02E01 Cold Open Hater. If Good Omens S02E01 Cold Open has a million Haters, I one of them. If Good Omens S02E01 Cold Open has ten Haters, I am one of them. If Good Omens S02E01 Cold Open has only one Hater, that is me. If Good Omens S02E01 Cold Open has no Haters then I have been erased from the Book of Life. I could honestly bring myself to have more positive things to say about the fucking Asa/Anthony Ending then I do about the writing decision to retcon Aziraphale and Crowley as having met in Heaven before Crowley’s fall.

Like, that trope of Aziraphale and Crowley meeting as Angels was one of my least favorites back when it was still a fanfiction trope and, like, sometimes a piece of serialized media canonizes a theory or a headcanon I didn’t like, but manages to do so in a way that totally subvert all of my misgiving about it and makes me actually love, or at least accept, that decision…. But that was absolutely not one of these times.

I still felt like it seriously diminished the importance of Earth and Humanity and the thematic choice of having Eden as the place their story and romance begins in and I disliked how it’s like the official starting point of “ooooh Crowley was such a big important Angel” rather them letting them be Some Guys who are ‘special’ primarily just due to their connection with Humans, and I especially especially HATE how it went out of its way to recontextualize the Eden Flashback in a way that just weakens its meaning for both Aziraphale and Crowley’s characters!

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

But, you know, I was trying to not make this ruin the show for me. You know, a fantheory I hate got canonized but I can still appreciate the show for what it is! And it does seem like they’re at least doing some interesting Character Drama with the whole Angel Crowley thing, and since Aziraphale’s desire to have Crowley reinstated as an Angel is clearly framed as foolish and Crowley keeps trying to distance himself from that former identity and still seems to define their relationship as starting at Eden this storyline is clearly going to conclude with Aziraphale realizing that Crowley’s former Angelic identity doesn’t matter that much and that his brief infatuation with his cute excitable co-worker was not the most important part of his thousands of years of falling in love with Crowley, right?

(And to be honest, like, I didn’t like most of the Metatron Manipulating Book of Life Conspiracy Theories that came at the wake of Season 2, I felt like diminishing Aziraphale’s agency in making mistakes is also diminishing his character and his eventual arc… But I did hold deep down one weird rebellious irrational hope that maybe the ONE important thing that was changed is that the Metatron wrote in the S02E01 opening, changed Crowley and Aziraphale’s personal history so that they met in Heaven before Eden. So that Aziraphale would have a fixation on Angel!Crowley and forget that he was the kind of person who would strike a kind casual conversation with a Demon and shield him from the rain, even if he was a total stranger. That way we could still circle back to Eden being the true first meeting between the two and not totally remove Aziraphale’s agency in choosing Heaven (he could’ve still decided that reversing Crowley's fall was an Obviously Bad Idea, and also maybe noticed the inconsistencies in the alterations to his memory/history on his own). It was a total long shot that it would turn out like that, but I still held out that hope for that kind of plot development until the moments GO3 aired. )

AND THEN OF COURSE GO3, okay the idea that it would be a Book of Life retcon was clearly a pipe dream, but the way GO3 did deal with Angel!Crowley just doubled-down on like every single thing I didn’t like about the S02E01 Cold Open; the diminishing of Aziraphale’s character and making it seem like all of his positive qualities are because of Crowley, making Crowley’s former Angelic identity and his Fall the Most Important Aspects to the derailment of any other aspect of his character, treating Crowley’s own definition of his personal identity as the One Thing He WAS Apparently Wrong About, making Aziraphale’s ‘love confession’ one where he STILL hasn’t gotten over his ‘Angel = Good’ bullshit and thus this character arc never really get resolved AND making it seem like the last 6000 years of Slow Burn and relationship development were less important than one brief meeting at the very start and also subsequently underplaying the importance of Earth and Humanity and EDEN to Crowley and Aziraphale (even as the whole ending is supposed to hinge on their relationship to Humanity) to the point that despite the whole ‘it starts, as it will end, with a garden’ stuff, Asa and Anthony’s final scene is much more of a callback to Before the Beginning then Eden…

Aziraphale never even told Crowley he thinks his yellow demonic snake eyes are pretty!!! Fuck!!!

So yeah, I hate the S02E01 Cold Open. I hate that I ever tried to give it the benefit of the doubt. I hate everything GO3 did with it. I hate Angel Cro-

Okay, no, wait, I don’t hate Angel Crowley himself. He’s good, he’s an innocent cute little baby boy (gender neutral), it’s not his fault everything the plot did with him was to the derailment of both his co-star and his future self.

We all know our beloved ineffable husbands are neurodivergent icons. Despite not being human they both act like neurodivergent humans would (and do).

Today I thought we would take a look specifically at Crowley and his BPD traits and what they mean.

(Also before we start; a trigger warning for talks and mentions of suicide, depression, mood swings, drinking, and trauma).

First what is BPD? BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder.

"A mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships." -Mayo Clinic

BPD is a disorder caused by trauma. Trauma is of course different for every individual. So while some demons may seem perfectly content with the fall from Heaven, others may have been significantly traumatized. And I believe this is where Crowley falls (pun very intended).

So we covered how Crowley could have developed BPD, but let's talk about their traits.

The DSM-5 lists 9 Criteria for BPD, of which at least 5 are required for diagnosis. We will be covering each one and how (or how they don't) apply to Crowley.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment:

As we know BPD is caused by trauma, but more specifically it can be trauma that deals with abandonment. Say God casting you down to Hell for simply asking questions?

This can lead to the person with BPD going through frantic efforts to avoid abandonment happening ever again.

We can see this most in Crowley when she argues with Aziraphale. Can you count how many times Crowley tries to run away with Aziraphale so that he doesn't leave him during an argument? It's three. They have done this three times (and that's just the on screen ones, who knows whats happened in 6,000 years!).

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Now this one is harder to see in Crowley because this trait of BPD (and many others) comes out most in romantic partners. And Crowley has only ever had one apple in his eye, Aziraphale. But even just with their relationship with Aziraphale we can see this.

While Crowley never directs his anger at Aziraphale we can definitely see how much the angel affects him. Their arguments that can lead to them not talking for decades, Crowley literally exploding with lighting because of his anger.

An example I find most interesting is Crowley's entire perception of Aziraphale changing when he sees Aziraphale let the people in the flood die. And this perception is only fixed in the Job minisode when Aziraphale does the right thing again. All it takes is one incident for Crowley to change her mind.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I think this is most obvious in the opening to season 2 where Crowley is questioning the meaning of life and more importantly his role as a demon.

But this isn't the only demon related identity disturbance Crowley faces. A common identity disturbance for those with BPD is believing that they are evil. This is caused by trauma but is also not helped by the stigma Cluster B disorders face.

Crowley believes he must be evil because he is a demon. He lies because he is a demon. Just like someone with BPD may believe they are evil for their disorder or are manipulative because of it. But in reality that may not be the whole truth. You can still be a good person despite being a demon, despite having a disorder.

4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Do... Do I need to explain this one?

Crowley is an alcoholic. He casually drinks but will also drink anytime a slight inconvenience pops up.

Crowley is also known for going "too fast". He is almost always speeding in the Bentley.

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

This is one of the ones that is harder to apply to Crowley simply because she is a demon, not a human. It is much harder for him to kill himself. And while this trait must be recurrent I still think it's important to bring up the Holy Water incident.

Crowley tells Aziraphale the holy water is just for insurance, but Aziraphale knows Crowley better than that and was right to assume it could probably be for a suicide pill. (Even if it did come in handy as insurance later). But the fact Aziraphale assumes that I believe is telling.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

We see a few different times where Crowley's mood shifts into extremes.

We already discussed the lighting incident. I think another big show of their anger is how he treats his plants in season 1. While yes it is them recreating their trauma with God (Metatron?) and being thrown out of Heaven, that anger comes from somewhere.

Jim short for James, long for Gabriel also sparks this anger in Crowley to the point of threatening his life and telling him to jump out of a window.

Crowley's depression is seen on the biggest spotlight when talking about the fall. Their sentiments about not meaning to fall, that she only ever asked questions.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Unfortunately I can't speak on this one purely because I do not live in Crowley's head. I do not recall it ever being something mentioned or showed. That doesn't mean it can't happen to her of course, but let's stick with the facts.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

As you can see BPD deals with anger a lot. so I will once again bring up some points we've already made. With the lighting incident, and good old Jimmy-boy.

I also just wanted to mention we know Crowley appears a bit angry at most times as well as Muriel describes him as "the grumpy one". Just thought it was a fun, helpful detail.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

This one is also a bit hard because again I am not in Crowley's head but also she does in fact have plenty to worry about that is real.

But Crowley does still show paranoid ideation. His distrust of others, disorganized thoughts (talking about ducks and the end of the world at the same time), feeling threatened, thinking he's being spied on (the ducks have ears).

Lots of ducks.

Now some may think diagnosing/headcanoning a character with specific mental illnesses is silly, and maybe it is! But I still believe it's important. Why?

Well for starters; representation is always important. Seeing someone similar to you on screen you can relate to and find joy and comfort in. Or maybe they're just raising awareness. Or just showing that hey, these people exist.

But I also wanted to touch on the stigma of BPD and other Cluster B disorders.

I touched on it briefly in an earlier point but BPD is heavily stigmatized. Many people treat the disorder as evil and manipulative. That the people with it don't deserve love or kindness. Which is of course simply not true.

Most of the characters coded with BPD today are antagonists and/or villains. Think Jinx from Arcane or Spinel from Steven Universe. These characters are amazingly written and performed and I do love them dearly. And there is nothing wrong with them, but it is nice to even the playing field. To have a character with traits of BPD who is fundamentally good and does the right thing. They are a protagonist of their story and even a hero!

And that is why I think Crowley is good representation of BPD (even if it was not intended that way).

And here's hoping to season 3 so our demon (and angel) get a happy ending!