only my mother calls me doctor

* @caophd ⸺ closed interaction.

her eyes, attentive and warm, roamed over ariel’s features, absorbing her little gestures and the way they changed while she considered the question. noah hadn’t intended for this to become so heavy, so personal, but sometimes things happened like that and they were willing to listen, it didn’t matter how sad it got, or how hard to process it became after all this time trying to ignore their own anxieties.  so noah listened, sharply but quietly, adverting her gaze from time to time to give ariel and her clear vulnerability the space they needed. then, at the giggle that came from her, noah smiled, unrestricted, their eyes glinting with a hint of mirth and fondness — ariel’s dad seemed … “ he sounds like a cool, lovely guy, ”    they voiced their thoughts, the smile on display small and gentle.    “ i think we would hit it off right away ”    they were a handyperson on their own, after all, and ariel’s dad appeared to be just like the perfect person for noah to partner up with.  the moment it was ariel’s turn to ask, though, their body went rigid for a second and their jaw clenched instinctively, breathing getting caught in the middle of her throat.    “ i … i don’t know, really. my dad— he’s very overprotective and— ”    a humourless laugh escaped them, something akin to a sob hidden in it. they tried to recover quickly, though, always used to be functional, to never let emotions interfere in their actions.    “ he doesn’t deal well with loss, so… i— i really hope he is keeping it together. ”   they knew he probably wasn’t, but theo was there and him, growing up by noah’s side with a father that was a mess half of the time, was a lot better at being okay, at being composed. a job that clearly didn’t appertain to him, but that both of them were forced to learn how to do since childhood.

"oh." she hadn't meant to make noah upset, hadn't considered that noah might think she meant reality, not the imagined world in ariel's own head. guilt and panic flood ariel when she saw the grief in noah's eyes. she was such an idiot; why was she always doing this? her hands fluttered in the air, useless, for a moment, before she reached out and wrapped her hand around noah's wrist.

"i'm so sorry," ariel whispered. "i'm sure he's fine. we'll be home, soon, and you can see for yourself. do you have... is there anyone there? to take care of him?" ariel couldn't think of her own parents, home alone. she couldn't think about yeye, alone on saturday mornings. she couldn't think about what popo would think, if she and wai gong would still be in china-- she couldn't think about it, or she'd never think about anything else ever again.

she smiled, imagining the early mornings with her dad and yeye. how they would watch the same episodes over and over, ones that had started airing when they first moved to america. "my grandfather really liked it. my dad says andy griffith taught them english." gave them hope for a kinder country than the one that welcomed them, ariel didn't say, though she knew it to be true.

standing outside so she didn't track dirt through the shared space, she called gratefully back. "thank you!" taking her shoes off, she slipped into the facility, padding bare-foot on the concrete. "sorry for being so gross," ariel said, with a sheepish smile.

at first, noah didn’t really know what ariel was talking about. the topic seemed out of nowhere and confusion didn’t wait much to appear on their features, all furrowed brows and tight lips. but then, slowly and as noah remembered their own words, it started to make sense. and the understanding squeezed painfully at their heart. “ that sounds … ”  tragic? sad? like you’re being too hard on yourself? noah has never been good with words, that’s not the way they’re used to help, always being more muscle than brain. but they way ariel talked … it made something ache between their ribs, maybe because it was the first person that got personal with them since they ‘ landed ’ on this island, maybe because her talking about their parents made noah think about their own people back in san fran. whatever the reason, noah wanted to do something. anything.  “ i don’t know, mate, i think— ”  noah left out a puff of air and looked at the sky, squinting her eyes at the clear, cold light that hit them.  “ what do you think your father would be doing now? ”  they finally asked, hugging their knees to their chest before looking back at her.  “ i mean, if he were in your position? ”  they really didn’t know how to handle this, how to handle feelings, but they did know about fathers and they did know how to recognize when everything someone needed was to talk … even if they didn’t know it themselves.

she used to love the beach, ariel remembered, her stomach twisting. when was the last time she'd gone, before this trip? when was the last time she had visited her parents, packed up her mom's biggest bag with snacks and drinks, and gone for a drive?

she couldn't remember.

"my dad..." ariel tried her best to picture him here, amongst the other survivors. his glasses would have miraculously survived the crash, because he needed them even more every year. she couldn't imagine him hurt, or scared, but she could-- she could imagine her mom fussing over his rumpled clothes and the way his hair would have grown out, white roots even longer. she could imagine how kind his eyes would still be, the goofy grin he would gift everyone with.

"he would make sure everyone had a dry place to sleep, even if he had to build it himself. and he would always volunteer to make dinner, even though he had no idea what he was doing. probably even try to cook taro on a piece of metal from the crash," ariel said, giggling. "and he'd complain in cantonese the whole time, even though mom keeps reminding him he's the only one who speaks it--"

ariel stopped, and tried to remember all the cantonese she could, just to make the imagination a little stronger. it fell through, shattering on the shore between her feet. she wondered if she would ever have the chance to learn. if she would ever even hear it again.

she cleared her throat, trying not to cry, and turned to noah. as sad as she was, she had to admit she was the slightest bit curious about the other survivor. after all, they talked about themselves so very little, and ariel had never liked a mystery. "what about your family? you think they'd be okay?"

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