i wish i was the sea.

❝ come on now ,  i need someone to play against .  who knows ,  you might even  win  this time ! ❞    ( OPEN TO MUTUALS )

dw7b. accepting.

     She wants to say thank you. Maybe please don’t leave, even in spite of her sister’s reassurance. The problem is, though, that Faith cannot find her voice. All she seems to be able to do is cry, sitting at the foot of her bed and staring off across the room at the carpet on what used to be Brianna’s side. She holds her hand in silence, like that might keep her around longer, even when her voice has failed her; what other way does she have to say I need you now more than ever? 

     Maybe she should explain herself. Maybe she should tell Brianna the grisly details of today’s disaster, and all the ways she tore her own world apart with three stupid, ugly words. She wants to scream. She holds Brianna’s hand a little tighter, though cannot bring herself to look at her. God, she’s so close with Dad, Faith is almost afraid she’ll take his side. That has to be irrational, though, right? Just a hang-up from the morning’s mess. 

     A heavy sigh slips past her lips. Even if Brianna will let her take her time, she thinks that if she doesn’t find her voice now, then it may never come. She swallows. 

dw7b. accepting.

     ‘ I get what you’re trying do and I appreciate it. But it’s a little more complicated than that. ’ 

     Not really, she supposes. Lena says you don’t have to be lonely and Faith says oh, I do actually. No matter how she really feels, no matter how she likes the idea of being with someone. It just never quite works out, does it? Things do not stay in Faith’s life, save for a precious few exceptions who remain far enough away that her mess of a life doesn’t drag them down quite so thoroughly, and everything else falls to bits, sooner or later. 

     She doesn’t have proof of this, of course. But just look at her mum, all the forces in her life that have ruined all the good, that have brought her so much pain… Maybe it is stupid to believe that they hold a sway over her as well, but she heard the Stones, felt their pull. She knows that whatever troubles her mother will come for her too, sooner or later. Maybe she does not have to be lonely, then, but it is better for her to be alone. 

dw7b. accepting.

     ‘ How could I be anything else, Aoife? ’ 

     And that is the sad and sorry truth of it, of course. Faith has, quite recently, come to understand that this world is not one that she will ever find peace in. Not her mother’s peace, at least, and not Fergus’. She has love, yes, but her bed is cold each night and any woman who holds her heart in her hands might throw it away the moment she realises that security is better than affection. And who could blame them, of course? A woman is nothing in this world without a man. Perhaps this is what makes her feel loneliest of all. She does not want to be part of any such thing, yet here she is stuck in this world and unable to do anything but scream and wail her frustrations to the precious few who will hear her and understand. 

     A sigh passes her lips. Faith rubs awkwardly at her eyes and she thinks, not for the first time, I wish I had been born a man. That she could move through this world with the ease of Jamie, that she might love and not be scared of it. If she were like her father, she could be who she wanted, not holding part of herself back and breaking her own heart in the process over and over and over again, miserable and lonely and empty even when surrounded by so much care and love. 

     She could weep. Her face cracks just so, and Faith leans to rest her forehead against Aoife’s shoulder. She does not know what else to do. 

@caomhnighean​

“ into science, huh? what’s the science like around this time? seventeen-hundreds…that’s stone-age-y, isn’t it? love stones. “ 

     ‘ Oh, Mama… ’ Faith sighs, and she wishes, suddenly, that she had not come home. It is a brief and foolish thought, one that makes her feel so guilty for even having had the blasted thing, but… but she always feels guilty when she thinks of her family, of the Ridge, of that whole world she just left behind. She feels guilty for enjoying her life as much as she does, trials and all, and how far it takes her away from this place. It feels like a betrayal. Looking at her mother’s face, hearing her voice, it just… it feels like the worst betrayal. 

     For a time, words fail her. What is there to say? Faith may very well die out there somewhere and, though she’s sure some of Dutch’s boys might do their best to get word back to her family, most of them would not. There are no guarantees in this life. But there is so much out there that she just can’t imagine not being surrounded by it all anymore. 

     After a moment, Faith reaches to cover her mother’s hand with her own. Her smile is sad, and there is an apology there if she can stand to look for it beneath the rest. Beneath the but I can’t turn my back on it, beneath the I will still leave, beneath the I love you, but you are not my whole world anymore. 

     ‘ I’ll write. I always write. ’ But she won’t stay. She wonders, for a moment, when she began to see the Ridge like a cage. She loves her family, loves her mother, but she will not trap herself again. To a life spent wanting and never getting, spent watching everybody else be so happy while she is just so… 

     ‘ And… And I know that you don’t see me as much as you’d like… and that I left it a real long time this time, but… ’ She doesn’t want to say it. She doesn’t want to break her mother’s heart. I am so much happier out there — there is no other freedom such as this.