I don't know

    The more walls I’m taking down, the bigger my room become. A house, eventually.     Exactly like this place I’m living in. People come in and then they go. I stopped running to meet new people and trying to be part of their lives. I stopped and stayed, and that’s when people started to become part of my life.     At some point, I realized that this is my reality but not theirs.     “We are on the different path(s)” - someone said that to me. I guess this is what everyone keeps telling themselves. It’s true though, because even though, we’re both here at the same time, in the same place but we’re in different realities. I can say that this is my real life, this is my reality where I meet and make new friends everyday. I say goodbye everyday as well. It’s like everyday is a new day until I met some people that I really wish I could have them in my life, and I wish I could be part of their lives but they all have to go. That’s the painful truth. They’re all leaving, going back to their real lives, their realities and I can’t be in there.     So this is what happens with a house that has no door. People can freely walk in, stay for awhile and then freely leave. To be honest, sometimes I really wish I could lock some of them in but there’s nothing I can do to make them stay. They all have to go.         Then I got confused.     Should I stay or should I go?     Should I continue taking the walls down?

Recently I’ve been having that kind of thoughts, that I think I should leave this place as well and figure something new out. To be honest, it’s like the very first time in...I don’t know how long it has been but I can say that “I feel belong here” - I love this place, I love all these beautiful people I met. Some seemed so lost, some seemed so confident when they walked in here and know about the paths they’re on.

I think I learn best with people, that’s why I chose to be a place. That’s why I chose to stay instead of travel around so I can concentrate at new people not new places. My views are also changing even I’m not going to other places, I can see things differently when this same place surrounding by new people, things change. The more people I get to know, the more I learn more about myself. List of the unknown is shortened when I meet new people, at the same time, more ot the unknown is added on the list. It keeps going and it is beautiful. I learned a few things about people who travels, same as I learned about why I don’t. I learned a tiny bit of enormous issue like, happiness. As a depressing emo kid, this is a very very huge step for me.

“To know your own happiness” - that’s what I knew before. Most of the time, I only know about things I don’t want in life, things I hate. Then, I knew that tiny happiness can also make me happy. I learned more. Maybe not that much but I learned how to be happy and that is what I really need in life. “To appreciate little things” - I’ll be happy just to have good coffee, good food, good sleep, good talk, free drink and new friends. I can be happy everyday.    “To let go” - I knew it already that I should let go of things that’s hurt me and not mine. But there’s a few more things that I happened to know. Sometimes there’s too many things come to me at the same time and I want them all then I tried to catch as much as I could but then missed it all, at the end I got nothing. Then again I had another chance, I let some go, and at the end I got some left in my hands. _But that’s not all that I learned to let go. I know now that it’s not just things that I hold onto, even though things that I don’t even hold onto, I still have to let them go. Things that I try so hard to reach to but it’s way too far faraway to get. At some point, I also have to let go of those things that I couldn’t reach to and look for something else that closer and more possible to reach to.