Cannibal Ducks

I’m weak.  I realize that especially today.  My boyfriend has gently thrown a joke around about dating a closeted girl to his friends.  I know – I’m 27.  It shouldn’t matter what my mommy says and yet, it does.  It matters what my mommy says, it matters what my church family says.  I’m afraid to lose everyone.  Yet there he is.

A little background on him.  When his dad found out that he was a lesbian it started a long journey of horrific abuse.  I didn’t know how bad it was but he was laughing and telling me about this one time where someone hit the back of his head and he passed out because he’d been beaten so badly for so long that he had a soft spot on his head.  I didn’t know how bad it was until he told me that when he was a teenager his dad got him pregnant and he had a miscarriage to which his mom responded that it was a good thing and to never tell anyone.  I didn’t know how bad it was until we went to sneak a Father’s Day card into his door and we saw him walking down the street.  I saw the immediate panic and fear register in him as I quickly drove by and my heart shattered.  

Then, we talked about his journey and mine and while I’m closeted I had some hope that when he transitioned I could just introduce him to my mom to him in his future self.  I know he doesn’t ever want there to be knowledge in the future of who he used to be other than to very close friends, he just wants to be him and not talk about when he was her.  So we talked and I mentioned how a little part of me wished he was a little farther along because I’d like him to meet my mom.  Then he told me that as soon as he starts his transition – he will never be able to see most of his family again.  He won’t be able to go visit his mom, though his mom still wants to be a  part of his life but it will be difficult.  He will never see his extended family again, or go to Christmas and other holidays.  That will be it for him.  

I think of the things that he will give up just to be who he is and I recognize that I am weak.  I should be able to tell my mom that I like ladies and men and everyone in between.  It shouldn’t even be a surprise to her but I’m so afraid of losing her because I have nothing else.  Yet my amazing boyfriend is willing to fight tooth and nail and give up everything just so he can officially be him.  I’m a wreck about this.  I don’t know how to feel – I don’t think where I’m at is acceptable for me and yet I don’t know that I can handle changing it right now.  I feel awful that he’s in this situation with me and I’m just waiting for him to leave because of this weakness of mine.  He’s so incredible and yet I am far from.  I realize I’m maybe throwing a bit of a pity party but I’ve just been in all of my feels about this.  If you have any love or tips – please spread it.  I need all that I can get.

I think I’ve been going about this blog thing the wrong way this whole time.  I think maybe I need to talk more about my sexuality and not just my life but like how they intertwine.  I recently started dating this really awesome girl who came out to me as trans (FtM) and like – I didn’t bat an eye about it.  But what I started to do was freak out inside because somehow I’ve lived my who bisexual life with friends all over the spectrum without ever fully understanding what in God’s name anything was or really meant. 

They laughed at me when they told me because I didn’t really understand.  They laughed because they realized I didn’t have any trans friends and therefore no understanding of anything.  They laughed but not in a mean way, just a comforting way of saying it’s OK that you don’t know.  What they didn’t realize is that it’s not OK  that I don’t know.  Not for me.  What they didn’t realize is that I don’t have trans friends because I want to be a pastor which pretty immediately scares everyone from the LGBTQ community away.  What they didn’t know if that I’ve desperately wanted to understand more but it’s hard to understand things when no one will talk to you to explain.  Each person’s experience is different and I have no experience with anyone to know what they are going through physically or mentally.

Last night, I stayed up until 2 am watching videos about people who were trans and listened to them talk about their experiences.  I was so excited because I started to grasp an understanding of what my S.O. might be going through.  So this morning I woke up so excited to tell them and when I did – my words seemed to fall flat and they didn’t seem as excited as I had wanted them to be.  I thought, hey I did it, I started learning and trying to understand you’re happy right?  Only to find out that really, it was maybe an expectation that I already understood more than they thought I did.  Am I a letdown?  Maybe this is all in my head but I feel pretty stupid for not knowing what I should know.

I’m too chicken to ask for help.  I’m too chicken to try to dive into the community and request friends to talk to me about all of these things.  I’m too chicken to tell my S.O. all of the things I really feel about the subject or where I came from in my understanding.  The community is afraid of me and I’m afraid of the community.  I don’t want to be judged for my lack of knowledge and understanding or my life as a Christian.  I feel like those often go hand in hand and some people will likely speak down to me because they think I am a bigot. 

I just want to understand and do right by people.  I just want to be enough for people just as I am.  I want other people to feel like they are enough for me just as they are.  I just want friends who can help me learn what I need to know or at least understand where I’m coming from when I have questions or doubts or misunderstandings.  I just want a community of people around me who like to teach and guide people into understanding instead of judging them for not knowing.

Thanks for sticking with me through this post.  It’s been a rough morning and I needed to talk about everything I was feeling. 

Love you all,

You read that right.  Almost all of the people that I value most in my life are the old ladies that I go to church with.  This seems pretty weird seeing as most of the time I’m 30+ years younger than them but it’s so wonderful.  Why you may ask – well my church lady friends are so different from the people my own age that I deal with all the time.  I value my relationships with people on a level that most others don’t take the time to understand.  My church ladies understand the importance of a handwritten note, a kind word, and kind action.  They’ve lived enough life to understand that it’s too short for drama.  My old lady friends are always quick with a kind, encouraging word about where I am in life and wonderful advice that is well thought out.  I rarely have to deal with judgmental backstabbing and more often than not I only receive kindness.

 Today I’ve been really frustrated with the people around me. The people my own age who don’t act like adults or spend all of their time talking behind my back.  I get really sad sometimes because I have so few friends my own age who value who I am as a person.  Most people judge me for being goofy and ridiculous without taking a moment to understand that one of my favorite things in the world is making others smile.  I am judged because I’m not smart enough, rich enough, I don’t party because I like to sit at home and crochet or volunteer with my church and sing.  The amount of judgment is exhausting sometimes.  All that I want are people who can value a good person with a kind heart and genuine concern.  My church ladies value that in me constantly.  So many people are so quick to turn their backs or ignore me when they find something better and as a person who doesn’t do this to others – this is heartbreaking to me.

Who I want to be in life, dreams I've always wanted to follow. I want to be an awesome photographer, a musician/opera singer, a blogger, a vlogger, a mega church pastor. I wanted to be an artist, a teacher, a dog trainer, a lawyer. I wanted to own my a non profit and to create an app. My dreams have been endless. My life has veered far from my original path and in many ways that's OK. I'm not always who I've wanted to be but I am who I am. I've learned to embrace myself for who I am. I'm mediocre at a lot of these things and that's OK. Sometimes not being the greatest isn't a deal breaker for life. Right now I just want to be happy with who I am and what I do. Let's see if I can make that happen.

How about not.  I’ve tried to change myself so often and I’m so sick of doing it.  How about new year and “hope I live it like I have my last one.”  I have had a relatively successful and busy year.  I can say with full confidence that this year I lived my life to the fullest with no regrets or at least very few and I think that’s a first for me in quite some time.  The beginning of this year was bumpy and rough and hard, the middle of this year was also bumpy rough and hard and for the first time ever, the end of this year is running pretty smoothly.  So much has happened and it feels like it’s been many years all rolled in one.  Like I had to make up for the three years of slacking I did after getting kicked out of Seminary.  I lost my way so much and last year was a wonderful recovery and this year was even more so.  I was so blessed last year to have a woman who cared about me and showed me that not everyone was in it to get something from me and while it still breaks my heart that we are over I am neverendingly grateful for the presence she had in my life.  I’m sure she may hate me or have a really strong distaste for me and that’s really sad too but she helped me a lot and I won’t forget that.

I spent a lot of my year wallowing over the loss of her and it’s still not healed but that takes time.  I also spent a lot of this year working my ass off for something and for me…that is so healthy.  I lost who I was.  I forgot that I was this powerhouse of a woman who fought for good things and helped people.  This year I walked 39.3 miles for breast cancer, learned to decorate cakes and made 400 cupcakes for a lovely girl’s wedding actually I made cupcakes for a LOT of stuff this year, served at our local meal site, took Christmas trees to our church shut-ins, lead my Church youth group and fought for them when no one else would, ran my church’s Vacation Bible School close to alone, preached 3 sermons, sang a concert for a crowd of 3000, bought 1500 toys for Toys for Tots with my company’s fundraised money ($14,000 which bought us $27,000 worth of toys), tore down and built a porch, went to the Cubs parade in Chicago, drove across the country and visited San Diego and saw the beach for the first time since I was 5, I got hurt, I got sad, I felt hated, I loved, I laughed, I cried…I cried a lot.  I’m sure there’s more that I missed but these are some of my major events.

Though not all that I did this year was good.  I hurt people.  I hurt feelings.  I cheated. I lied.  I bailed out on people.  I don’t feel good about those things either.  Sometimes it’s better to just focus on good and forget the bad but those things still happened.  I can’t deny the bad with the good but while bad happened ultimately my year was positive. I fought through so many feelings and body aches and found that while I wanted to give up somewhere inside I still have fight left.  I can’t just give up anymore.  I realized that my original life path is still the right one, that I’m still meant for ministry but my past is just a lot longer than I thought it would be. One day I might figure this stuff out but right now I’m just happy that I’m going into the new year smiling and hopeful for what’s to come.

I hope you have a Happy and Healthy New Year,

Love,