ehhhh

honestly don’t even know what to say, my dude. feeling bummed. also super sorry for myself. simultaneously hate feeling that self-involved. but like… it’s my life. so it makes sense that i’m involved. still, it feels a bit pathetic. i can’t stop it, though. i feel so massively sorry for myself. it’s like a car accident i can’t look away from. i’m staring and pointing and forgetting to breathe. i want everyone else to look, too. it feels like everyone has to see it for it to be real, but it’s also simultaneously my secret to be kept. this is fucking weird. i don’t know what life is gonna look like now. would this even be a big deal to other people? or am i not reacting enough? (doubt it.) am i supposed to go out and live a “normal” life? and pretend like i’m fine, cause i can still somewhat “function” currently? i feel all turned around. how am i supposed to look at people and pretend i give a single shit about whatever’s happening in their life when i am so consumed with mine? at the same time, i am wildly jealous of other people; i consume bits and pieces of content of their lives like it’s my life source. i’m too scared to live my life, yet terrified of blinking and missing it. is this normal? no one will even read this, so i’m kind of just shouting into the abyss. i hear it’s supposed to shout back at me eventually or something; hope it has some good advice because i sure fucking need it.

trying to think of something coy or clever to post but i’m just sad about my brain. really hoping tysabri is working it’s magic. this kind of grief comes in waves, some days it’s shoved so far down that i almost forget and other days it’s all i feel.

super weird knowing your boundaries were majorly crossed while simultaneously understanding that you were both just kids and that they didn’t understand the weight of the situation. i wish i could go back in time and give myself that clarity when i was 13. i’ve understood this for years and it still creates this hollow feeling in my gut. i still don’t know how to live with the complexity of it all.

one month sober.

not me immediately bursting into tears from smelling a cigarette

i’m two months sober today 🥺 i don’t know how long this will last but this is the longest i’ve been intentionally sober in a long time. very proud of myself and the work i’ve put in to make this my current reality.

currently repenting for my sins of being absolutely intolerable from roughly ages 13-18. my apologies, y’all