trying not to shit up my back in this uber rn… a cup of prune juice and a 10 mg weed gummy and now my stomach is fucked up

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@candyreddisasters
trying not to shit up my back in this uber rn… a cup of prune juice and a 10 mg weed gummy and now my stomach is fucked up

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i want to kill myself. i’m never going to win. everytime i have a chance, i ruin it. i want to go to AHA and tell them to place me before i kill myself. my family treats me like shit. can’t have a disagreement without someone threatening to hit me. i’m so tired of them. fuck them all. they’ve always hated me anyway
i feel like a shit parent. i want to be better. i wish i could be healthy enough for my child. if i wasn't fucked mentally and physically, i would be the best mom. all i can do is try my hardest and i don't fucking feel good enough. i just feel like a failure to my kid. i fucking hate myself.
talking to a dietitian about food is making me realize that maybeeee i have a slight eating disorder. i don't eat if i can help it. also i am in fact bed rotting. this is beyond embarrassing having someone tell me that i'm not taking care of myself.
allergies and kids
i need everyone around me to respect my authority as my son's mom. stop giving him his allergens and aversions. he's lactose intolerant. there is no fucking reason why i should get him back from spending time with his dad to him puking and whimpering in pain and as his dad, you tell me that you fed him oreos and practically nothing else. what the actual fuck is wrong with you? i want to go for full custody, child support and that's it. i can't stand this visitation bullshit anymore. how the fuck do you cause damage every single time you see him??? how the fuck is that possible. can't be on time for pick ups and drop offs. can't feed the toddler correctly, as if he could feed himself without help. it's just dangerous at this point. like what the fuck do i do. how can i help him???

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wait am i a weirdo for ‘gooning’ but in my head? just degrading myself and praising myself while daring myself to see how long i can go w/o giving in? it’s like edging but way worse (better) bc im not actually doing anything…
Potential Shopping List
Lace-Trim V-Neck Crepe Maxi Dress | Gap
Pointelle Maxi Dress | Gap
ANNIE Black Women's Strappy Square Toe Heel – Steve Madden
MURAL Black Leather Mary Jane Block Heel Square-Toe Women's Heel – Steve Madden
KAILEY Cordovan Faux Leather Sleeveless Midi Women's Dress – Steve Madden
MARAYA Tuscan Gold Flowy Halter Women's Maxi Dress – Steve Madden
Unisex Crew Socks 10-Pack for Toddler & Baby | Old Navy
Fuck My Professor
Being forced to take a class I have no interest in means that I focused on taking as many notes as possible, while also trying to finish my assignments efficiently. However, this professor seems to hate me personally. She doesn't respond to my emails. She assumes I don't understand her feedback. I understand her feedback. I just don't think she understands my writing. I feel like I'm being crystal clear in my points and thesis, however she still doesn't understand my work. I even asked if she wanted me to use key terms more in my writing and if that's why she refuses to give me good grades for my assignments. She says I have grammar problems but uses 'unconsciously' instead of 'subconsciously'. She also can't figure out spacing in her paragraphs. Her words repeat in several instances. It makes me think she used A.I. to write her reference sheets for her. I don't respect her as a person because I can tell she has a bias against me. I don't like her at all.
Fuck Her
My professor can go fuck herself. She wants me to rewrite the entirety of my assignment while implying that I'm stupid. Her grammar makes no sense. She put two plurals together that weren't a part of a phrase. She wants me to rewrite assignment '2.2' yet I have no clue what that is. Why not use the words that you used on the official assignment. What the actual fuck is '2.2'???? You haven't titled any assignment like that. She asks personal questions then states that I'm too personal in my answers. She claims she can't understand my assignments, yet it is beyond fucking clear to me. I don't get this bitch. Fuck her. She's teaching about implicit bias, yet she has a problem with me. She used the word 'unconscious' which makes no sense. You can't have a bias unconsciously. What the fuck are you talking about? Are you passed out and prejudice? Fuck her. And fuck off.
A List of Things to Put in My Bag to Help w/ The Things Wrong with Me
Meds (to help with POTS and depression)
Ibuprofen (in case I have pain)
Water (staying hydrated to help with everything)
Snacks (in case of low salt or blood sugar)
Blood pressure cuff (to track how low or high it is)
Phone and wallet
Sour candy (somehow helps with everything? no clue why)
Notepad and pen (notetaking on the go)
Hair ties (gets hair out of face while on the go)
Electrolytes (hydration)
inhaler (asthma)
Instant cold packs, poppables (for heat intolerance)
Salt packets (salt intake)
Headphones (noise cancellation)
portable chair (in case I need breaks from long walks or prolonged standing)

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Don't be an idiot! Download and read these Hollanov fics before AO3 goes down tonight or I'll come after you
Hollanov Fics you would read immediately if you trust me and why wouldn't you I have impeccable taste (my favorites in red): Free Rein by Anonymous - FUCKING READ IT JUST DO. This is the best one I have read so far. Mind the tags.
enforcer by moonlitgarden - some lovely prose on racism...uh...I don't really know how else to put that
clear to a hedgehog by magneticwave - knocked me off my feet with the light touch on smut, wonderful world-building in just one chapter
so close by sweetiejelly - You don't need a lot of words. Big brown eyes will do. Short, but devastating.
The Night Shift by thecouchsofa - a story about slowing down, and we're happy to do it with the fine eye for details
green mark by radialarch - the BEST take on the Vegas suite scene I have read
make much of time by leiascully - I like fics that focus on these two in intimate ways like this
Too ripe not to split by Charlotte_Stant - my favorite The Dildo fic
don't leave me high (don't leave me dry) by emonlispenardstreet - The plot-heaviest of all my recs; balanced in every aspect imo.
grindstone kaleidoscope by TheMalapert - the best time loop fic I've read for...really...any fandom
+Hudcon RPF: Carterhaugh, Ontario by Charlotte_Stant - if I wrote Hudcon RPF it would look something like this
rec list: hollanov (non-au)
i like: conflict, kink, thoughtful things. i don't like: straight fluff
before swallowing by yankingawry (nc-17, 2k) post-cottage, mommy kink
Shane watched Ilya tilt his head back and drop some peanuts into his mouth. He gave them all of two chews before swallowing. The totally indigestible peanuts travelled down the line of his beautiful speckled throat. The man was begging for chronic reflux.
wait by waxing__crescent (nc-17, 2.5k) ep 4, sickness
Jane: No problem again, sorry. I’ll see you in a few months.
ajdustments by sheepknitssweater (nc-17, 2.8k) hookup era, injury
Shane had been sucking Rozanov’s mostly soft dick for between six and eight minutes. Since all the most important moments of Shane’s life were timed, he had a good internal clock. He was pretty sure it had been eight minutes.
call me by your name (tell me you love me in private) by anonymous (nc-17, 3k) hookup era, feminization, D/s
ilya gets shane to wear a ROZANOV jersey. that’s it, that’s the fic.
too nice by toomuchplor (nc-17, 3k) hookup era
All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. ~ Leo Tolstoy
in the sound of bells by villavona (nc-17, 3k) ❤️ ep 2
Shane texts him his second day in Sochi, after the Opening Ceremony is over and the sports are beginning. Are you staying in the Village? he asks. Capitalization, proper grammar. Innocuous. Nyet, Ilya texts back. Here in his country Shane can learn a little Russian. Latin alphabet, he can be generous.
icarus by garagepaperback (nc-17, 3.6k) hookup era, butt plug
It wont come out. Ilya is one of the last left in the locker room. Gear half-stripped, gloves off but he’s still clumsy wrestling with his phone on the bench. What do u mean
hold a cut inside by dinosaur (nc-17, 4k) hookup era, painplay, masochism
It's the Metros' season; Shane knows it. And no matter how many hits he takes, Shane's always been good at getting back on the ice. Letting Ilya Rozanov touch his bruised body when he comes off the ice doesn't change anything. It can't; Shane knows that, too.
penalties by citrusses (nc-17, 5k) ♥️ ep 4 divergent, infidelity
Ilya is married. Still, old habits die hard.
coach, i'm threading needles by anonymous (nc-17, 6k) hookup era
Ilya fucks a girl in a Hollander jersey. Word gets back to Shane.
tender parts by mcshrug (nc-17, 7k) ♥️ D/s, touch starved
Shane isn't used to people touching him. Then he meets Ilya Rozanov.
real love makes your lungs black by anonymous (nc-17, 8k) ♥️ getting together, smoking
If Shane had had a good, close friend, a confidante, somebody he could talk to about whatever was happening between him and Ilya Rozanov, and that good close friend got it in their head that maybe Shane liked Ilya, had feelings for him, one of the first things Shane would say to refute it would be: but he smokes.
pretty boy by mcshrug (nc-17, 9.5k) hookup era, crossdressing
Dressing up for Ilya takes Shane about a mile out of his comfort zone. Good thing he’s not a chicken.
bite hard by mcshrug (nc-17, 16k) hookup era, biting, spit
Shane finds out he likes it when Ilya bites him. It’s possible he likes it a little too much.
for a split sec, i was a train wreck by anonymous (nc-17, 19k) ♥️ hookup era, injury
Ilya gets injured, stops leaving the house, loses his mind, learns to read tarot, and sends Shane Hollander a lot of photos.
College is so annoying
This class I'm in is one of the first classes I have at my new college. Why does she care so much about me? It's so annoying to have personal questions as part of my grade. It feels disgustingly invasive. There definitely is a way to teach people about biases without focusing on themselves. It's a laziness sinking in. It's so annoying to have this professor want us to do all the work for her. All she had to do was find us resources then say internalize all of the information. She's not doing any lectures. She's talking behind a PowerPoint. It doesn't feel like I'm learning anything important. It feels unnecessary to my major. I want to learn about creative writing. Not sit and think about myself. It's stupid. It's pointless. It's super time-wasting.
Disability and Self Expression
It's so easy when you're already hurting to decide to take more control over things you can, while you still can. I think that's why people who have anxiety, depression or a physical disability decide to go full out with how they dress. This definitely should have been a proper blog post, maybe on Medium. Unfortunately though, I have yet to take my meds, so I don't feel like making some super long post on there for more people to potentially see. On Medium, it feels like people are watching me more often. I don't know how to stop that feeling so I just don't take charge. Oh well.
Also, while I'm here. I opened some more Amazon packages and started to pack. It made me feel more anxious because it feels more real. Yes, we are moving. Yes, the time is coming sooner than I thought. Yes, we might still be moving while I'm fighting for custody of my son in court. It's annoying, but I'm not in control of the timing so I feel like complaining does nothing.
In the mail, I got me and my son some snow pants. I got a nine pack of moving bags which should be enough. If it's not, I'll switch over to boxes. I don't want to jump the gun though and get boxes first. I'm glad I got bags first. I have some diapers packed in the Mario bag and some wipes will be put in the bag or bins too so I can pack the rest up with no problem. I refuse to stress myself out this time. Moving will not become more of a chore than it already is.
Plus, I have to finish assignments and go to work while we move. How annoying.
i feel so touch starved. i have no friends. those three have banded together against me. misgendering me was just the start. i feel sick just thinking about it. i can’t help but let my eyes fill with tears. i’m going to forever be alone. no hugs, no smiles, no one wants to stick by my side. it just sucks. it sucks so bad that all i do is fail at friendship. i just can’t make myself happy. i just want a friend who genuinely wants to be my friend. i want someone who likes me without thinking i should change. i want someone who misses me.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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it’s xmas
almost killed myself today. think i’ll do it after court.