Learning To Cope

Had the worst dissociative anxiety attack of my life last night. I think I stopped breathing or maybe I was hyper ventilating so fast I couldn’t breathe at all. I was freezing but I couldn’t stop sweating and my eyes rolled back. Worst is part of my memory is missing. I felt myself about to black out but right before I did I reached out for my love. If he hadn’t been here.. I’ve been so stressed and pushing myself too hard. Combined with the fact I’m sensitive to certain lights and colors like white light or fire I might have had a seizure as well. I should know better to not to be on my phone for extensive amount of time.. I don’t hate myself for it. I’m just going to take this as a learning experience. I can do this.

I keep denying what kind of person I really am. After thinking about the past I realized I am a nice person and I am a really caring person. I guess I tried to hide it and told myself I was a horrid person picking myself apart and only focusing on my mistakes.. But I’ve always put others before myself. I destroy my mental health by trying to push others up even though I’m drowning myself.. I’m human and despite the few mistakes I’ve made I’m still a good person. Being kind and caring doesn’t make me weak. But I’m also making sure I take care of myself for once which is ok because self care isn’t selfish. I’m not a bad person and I’m not weak. I can do this.

I’m not sorry for blocking kink blogs. If you claim agere and sfw yet tag ddlg and etc.. I’m blocking and I’m not sorry.

I really should give myself more credit. I’ve been making so much progress yet I feel as if I haven’t been making any progress. I’ve been beating myself up over something that’s not true. I’ve made so much progress I’m not the same person I was 2 years ago or even 6 months ago. My love helped me realize that I really need to slow down and give myself the credit I deserve. I deserve the happiness I’ve worked toward. I can do this.