chic candy chronicles

 My dearest readers,

It's almost been a month since my last post, and I honestly didn't even feel like making this one, I kept feeling the urge to put it off, call it a day, and repeat that again and again. My motivation has been low the past month, this is the first time I've felt like this in a while. 

The exact reason for my slump is unknown to me but I knew I had to get out of it, I needed to get my life together, I was watching this video on YouTube the other day when it suddenly dawned on me that I've forgotten the very reason as to why I started writing this blog, it was a way for me to journal my thoughts, to write down my self-love journey and how I navigate through life. 

I started to feel pressured to do good, to always write top-notch posts, to sound "relatable", to sound fun and like I've always got my ish together, but that's not always true, and you know that better than anyone, my dearest reader.

As I'm writing this, I can feel the words blending together, my thoughts feeling clearer and my mind just a tad more organized, isn't this what I wanted from this blog in the first place? It's a hobby of mine, not something for me to monetize, at least not at the moment. 

I have so many things that I need to share with you, my dearest reader, and I know that I will do it, but I just had to write this. 

I also want to let you know that no matter how many skills you may have and how many side hustles you do, you must always have a hobby you return to only because YOU like to do it. And for me, that's writing to you.

I'm not the world's greatest writer, I don't have an advanced vocabulary, I'm not the best communicator out there, I'll never claim those titles, not yet. But I am a great try-er, I have always had a huge list of things I want to try, I may never be the best at something, but you can be assured that I never left anything without trying it first. 

When I look around and see so much talent around me, it can get overwhelming at times, am I truly not good at anything? Why can't I ever have something to excel at? But the answer is right there, name one person you know who took up yoga in fifth grade, dancing in sixth, drawing in second, crafts in seventh, learned coding just for the heck of it, wrote competitive exams for the giggles, and chose a major that she doesn't particularly like simply so that she could experience it. There you go, it's me. 

So what I'm trying to say is, comparison is the thief of joy. Yes, there will always be someone better than you. Yes, there will always be someone worse than you. And yes, you can always choose who it is that you want to become. I know that there's always a little voice in your head whose whole purpose is to become your biggest hater, but isn't there also that teeny tiny voice that tries to support you? I'm sure it would scream the hardest if you only let it do so. 

With my utmost gratitude for always reading this,

forevermore,

 My dearest chic readers,

Did you know this was my birthday month? Your lovely author has finally turned 18! And while it's been over two weeks since I've turned into an adult, my journey would never truly feel complete if I didn't write to you.

Ever since I was ten, I've wanted to become an adult. I always looked up to freedom, and now, I also look forward to the responsibilities that come with it. I never really had a problem being the 'responsible one'. Maybe it stems from me being the younger sibling. Growing up with grown-ups never really gave enough room for a childhood. 

This is not to say I didn't have a childhood. I had a great childhood, one that I look back to with more kindness than ever before. If you ask anyone else the same question, they might not particularly agree with me, but no one really knows your life better than you, right? 

Perhaps I enjoyed my teenage years more than anything. I truly had the best time, I mean, it brought me to you ;) But the best part was probably the fever dream of those COVID years, or maybe it was post-COVID times, oh that time when I wrote my first ever diary entry was truly a golden memory. 

But the best memory I have that I shall always be grateful for is the period when I chose to give myself some more kindness, a bit more acceptance, and a lot more love, it was one of the most difficult times I've been through and there's nothing I'm more proud of. 

If you asked me last year about what I was writing in this post, a gratitude letter to myself, she would've flung her shoelaces at you, but maybe that is how growth works, you learn to enjoy the process so much so that you don't wait until the end goal to let yourself feel happy. 

I so desperately wish that for others too, to let yourself feel. I think I'll always remember when I first read something related to self-help, my first thought was 'Well my life is different from that' or 'It's actually never that easy' and of course the classic 'Are you really saying that or is it for the giggles?' 

But now I realize that never mattered in the first place, it never will. The other person's intentions are only as important as you make them to be. Your interpretations are what stay with you for as long as you let them. 

But coming back to my 18th year of life, I'm so happy to be able to write this to you with my utmost sincerity, dearest reader, I've never ever been happier. I do not regret anything I've done or said, and I wear my 'embarrassments' with pride, I'm not afraid of my dreams anymore and I finally feel peace within myself. Maybe not always, but it's never, never.

It is always my greatest pleasure to write to you.

Forevermore,

 My dearest readers,

you've probably heard the phrase 'just be yourself' thrown around a lot, and for the larger part of the group, they are quite unknown to these words. How exactly do you be yourself? When do you even know what you are doing is what your most authentic self wants? Why should you be yourself if all you are is a mixture of everybody else?

And all of those are lovely questions that I ponder almost every day, here's my hot take on what I do to be my most authentic self every day. Truth is, you really can't. Allow me to explain, your most authentic self, the all-knowing, highest version of you has got this ish down, they know they are being themselves and they embrace it, but to most of us, we have absolutely no idea how exactly we achieve that, and more often than not, our decisions, behaviors, patterns, thoughts, are never truly our own. I want you to think about it, out of every ten thoughts you have, more than 90% of those are not even your own. 

This happens when we listen to every other opinion more than our own, it is a simple outcome that comes from this attention economy where every second of your focus has to be bought by someone, but that's a lovely discussion for another day. 

So, you have somewhat of an idea of how much of you is actually you, now it's time to expand that area. And in my personal opinion, once you get the hang of it, this is going to come so naturally to you because, well- it's you. 

Here's what I actually did to embrace my most authentic self, every first thought, first action, first pattern, etc; if it came to you without much thought or effort, that is the real you. that's who you are at your core. 

Now of course, most of these phenomena are going to be adapted from somewhere or the other but at the end of the day, didn't you choose to embrace those quirks? Didn't you choose to be influenced by them? Didn't you choose to accept them?

My best and most simple tip for you is to never overcomplicate it, just, do not let anyone or anything that makes you feel like you're putting on an act stripe you away from your authenticity. Life is simple, let it be that way and you will find your way back to yourself. Whether that's a mixture of five people, twenty people, or simply just you. 

Goodbye and good day, my dearest authentic reader

xoxo

Babes and besties,

You are never who you think you are. Who you are in your mind will never become who you are in real life. Unless you decide to do so. 

A bit of a counterintuitive point, I know. But it's just that when life gives you lemons, make cotton candy- no I'm sorry

this post does seem a bit out of sorts, like you want to know it has meaning, and maybe it does. You'll have to read further to find out. 

I know I'm not the best in much, I may not even be good at some, but I know I am worth it. Which is why I broke the heart of the one guy who loved me more than life itself. 

I didn't mean to, of course, and I won't make excuses by saying "I didn't know what I was doing' or 'I was working on myself.' I knew what I was getting into, I set myself up for failure, and I wanted to break his heart from the beginning. 

Do you think me cruel? I assure you that you have every right to do so. But hold your high horse and judge me after you have listened to the entire story. It all began around the time when schools had recently opened again, and I was on a whim to get over my first shitty relationship and flirted with every guy I see fit. I met him on my way back from school, he goes in the same subway as me, a little further down the line but in the same one nonetheless, and I was dead set on impressing him and making him fall in love with me. 

Why? Because I wanted that validation, I craved it. And it took us a while and a lot of fights to get there but we did eventually start dating, he confessed, obviously. And it was quite cute too, it happened on valentine's Day. We dated for a total of roughly 4 months. I only liked him (or made him like me) because my friend had a crush on his friend, and we were more often than not, fantasizing about going on double dates and everything. Turns out, my friend meant to go out with my ex the whole time, would you like to know more about that? Just drop a comment and I'll see if I can make it happen. 

Coming back to I and him, the first two months were absolute bliss, we called each other 'mi amor', and shared our first date, our first kiss, he always made sure to compliment me in every conversation, agreed to every whim of mine, and was also a little nervous, but in an adorable way. He was always responsive to me, we were in communication about everything and nothing, and he came over to my house. You must be wondering at this point, when does it go downhill? Sorry to disappoint, but it quite actually never did. 

There is no twist of fate, neither of us did anything wrong or right, exams came around, we stayed strong, we got holidays, we stayed strong, the only little thing was, I wanted a fling, and he wanted a relationship. I realized this at the beginning, but I never made any moves to communicate this, in fact, I went along with his dreams about us, about how we'd move in together, work together, maybe even get married, have kids, the whole shebang. 

Would you say that I'm a fuckboy? Would you think that I used him? Or would you say that I'm the reason that he would never trust another woman again? Well, you are wrong. As broken as I might've been, I always supported him when he needed it. He wanted to be a doctor, so he had to study a lot, but he also loved playing video games, and basketball, and just having fun with his friends, I was there for him through his entire meltdown, I helped him create a schedule that he could stick to, I gave him contacts for people that might be of help to him from my network, I consoled him, and I never left him when it was a difficult time for him. He knew me for all of 8 months, maybe, I wouldn't put it past him for not thinking of me as a priority, especially when I didn't consider him mine. 

All of that is good and well, but why did I actually leave him? How did I end up breaking the heart of the only guy who ever made me feel like myself when I didn't even know who I was? How did it even end? 

You can find that out in my next part and until then

It was lovely writing to you,

stay chic and candy

xoxo

 My dearest readers,

you definitely have a choice that you could redo all over again if you really could, but alas, in the gloomy world that we do live in, it's not all magic and perfection every time. That decision could range from an aesthetic pen that for the love of god will refuse to write, or it could be something as significant as choosing your career. Of course, you could always change careers, buy a new pen, get a new house, move on with life, and so on. But I'm talking about something more here, something that we usually struggle with daily, but never give ourselves enough room to understand.

I've always been the kind of kid who had a lot of "clarity" growing up, I knew what I wanted to become since I turned five albeit I never really knew what the name of my passion was, I knew I loved understanding people, helping them, guiding them and all that fun stuff. But more often than not, I was also a very curious child, but I always hid that aspect of myself, to fit into the "she's got that sorted" box, I never even tried to be that "she'd never fit into the box" person. 

I don't really blame myself for it, because at the end of the day if I hadn't tried to secretly explore my interests, I never would've understood how to feel comfortable with myself. There have always been times when I felt so confused about my career choice, but I never really tried to change it as I thought that my main focus never actually shifted from psychology, so why is it that if I truly had my life planned out, I'm still so confused about it after twelve years of thoughts. 

And I think that's one of the best beauties of the human mind. Because of imagination, we will always wonder about what could've been. No matter what we choose, our minds will always want more. 

So I've trained myself to feel gratitude for everything, maybe I'm not able to show up in my promises every day, but I do make it when I feel it. And if I didn't have gratitude grounding me, I never would've thought about what has happened, what will happen, and most importantly, what is happening. 

That's all for today 

stay chic and candy

xoxo

 My dearest gentle readers,

how many of us follow what we learn from the self-love guru videos we watch? and how much of that is actually what suits you? 

These are questions that we don't often ask ourselves, and when we do, we're met with more confusion than clarity. I'll be honest with you, my dearest reader, I've struggled with learning to love myself in the way that I need to be loved, maybe I still do, but isn't that the fun of it? 

You are a constantly changing and evolving person, so in its most obvious sense, the way you want to be loved changes too. Two years ago, I would've absolutely loved being the most social person in a room. Now, I would want nothing more than my alone time in a day to focus on myself or simply relax. Don't get me wrong now, I love spending time with my friends and talking to new people but I still value my personal time. I never would've understood that if I hadn't given myself the time to understand myself. 

I'll tell you a secret, my dearest reader, as much as I love studying people and understanding them better than they understand themselves, I'm shit scared to do that for myself- or well I used to be. It's not that I have a super dark and mysterious past that I don't wish to delve into or that I have something I want to hide from, all of these being partially true. The major reason was that I didn't know how to accept myself without judgment. 

And I think it's just that hypocritic statement that I've never heard from anyone before that really messed with me, am I just not normal no matter how hard I try? No, it's simply that everyone is different, they are not required to live through what you did. I can accept others without judgment but never myself? That needed to change and believe me or not, affirmations played a huge role in that.

Why? Well, for its simplicity, it never asked me to believe in the statements I said, it never asked me to feel what I said or anything. All it wanted from me was consistency, and little by little I could notice the changes in my thoughts and actions. It was gradual but very much present. I may or may not be the same person I was two years ago when I thought I 'loved' myself, but I am definitely more genuine with myself now, and just like that, my love came back to me. 

And now that love can come back to you, 

xoxo

 Babes and besties, 

I've given you a week to mull over the bomb I dropped last week, and now I'm going to give you ever more angst because I just love to spoil you <3

I broke up with him because my friend told me to do so. Yes, the infamous D, you would know her from my previous posts. A quick overview is that she, as loveable as she may be, was just not compatible with me. 

So many people talk about toxic relationships, and as important as it is to talk about them, barely any talk about those relationships that end simply because you two aren't compatible. Me and him could only be compatible with this version of me that I potrayed to make him like me, that was never his fault. 

Maybe I'm writing this to serve my karma, because I acknowledge the pain and hurt I have caused him, all because I was too absorbed in my insecurties to care about who I hurt. I will always pray that he finds the love that he is so willing to give, I hope that he will always be who he wants to be is never in the need to perform for anyone. 

The words I said, what I did, and how I showed up is unexcusable, but it is not unforgiveable, for me. I accept that I made mistakes, HUGE ones, but if I could go back and change it, I would never dare to dream of it. Except one thing, I really wish I could've changed the way in which I broke the news to him, not a single soul deserves to be spoken to in the way I had spoken to him. 

I have made peace with this part of me, I have grown from this part of me, and more importantly, I have acknowledged this part of me. 

You do not need to be the wounded or the wounder to realize yourself, my dear reader. Time shows, and time will heal you. Just as it did, with me. 

Forevermore, 

stay chic and candy

xoxo

candygirl 💋

My Dear Upper East Readers,

A little bonus post after the official end because I need to get real with you for a minute here. Writing these posts has truly brought me more stress than happiness. And I realized it was my fault for doing that. 

I never set a clear purpose, I didn't choose what I even wanted from this, I promised myself I would learn and grow and find my way as I wrote them, but I didn't do that. 

It is time to admit to myself that I need to change up this act when season 2 rolls around, and I want to start that by finding out my purpose, why do I want to write to you? 

Aha, it's because I want to track my progress on my journey. What journey? The journey of self-love. 

Why do I want to track it? Because I believe that writing my thoughts down will ground me and it's my favourite form of documentation. 

This could go on for a while. But that's just what I wanted to say. But I'm also so grateful that I took the step of starting my blog, and I did not miss a single deadline, which I'm so proud of! I will use this break wisely and become a better writer to you. 

A little sneak peek of what I have planned for the next season, you are all no longer my Upper East readers, they have been upgraded to my babes and besties 💕

See you soon, 

xoxo

My Dear Upper East Readers,

Welcome to the last post of season 1 for Chic Candy Chronicles. It was truly a magical ride, and if you truly want to do something, no one can stop you from trying. When I made my first post, I was so scared, I still did it. It doesn't matter if you're afraid or anxious. Just do it. 

Now that the sob part is out of the way, let's get into today's topic, what are distractions, and when should you actually welcome them? I believe distractions can be a great way to cope with life and let me explain why. 

In consideration of the new Inside Out 2 being out in theatres now, I have to talk about the complexity of emotions, and how we are completely capable of feeling two(or more) very distinct emotions all at the same time, and more often than not, it leads us to have trouble in expressing or articulating ourselves efficiently. 

Our brain decides to use various coping mechanisms to get the body functioning again, my personal favorites are denial and detachment. Essentially, as the name suggests, you decide to deny the event that is causing you stress until you have enough time/energy/resources to face it, but here's the hard part, there will come a day when you HAVE to face what has troubled you, and you can make that slightly easier for yourself with detachment.

The law of detachment is quite simple, my dear Upper East reader, you just have to remove yourself from the situation and look at it from an outsider's perspective. It's a totally chill practice that lets you suppress your emotions and deal with the event at the same time. Not. 

That's a total lie, detachment doesn't mean you straight up become a frigid bitch, it simply means, you allow your feelings to process, and then you let them go, i.e., you detach. You can feel the feelings all you want, but you have to let them go. That is how you don't get attached to the outcomes, and you can finally learn to live, my dear Upper East reader. 

Now, it is very important to keep in mind that distractions only play a role in the first part, denial, and it is where you consciously choose to give time to yourself to reset or rewire yourself to face the situation. And this doesn't work in all aspects and at all times, but you have to keep faith in the fact that your mind knows you, it knows how to protect you, and when. Trust in yourself, dear reader, and you shall see. 

I can't wait to see you again in season 2, I'm thinking of making a few tweaks here and there, but never fret, dear reader, for I shall always keep my promises. 

See you on July 20th,

Have a lovely day/night, 

xoxo

My Dear Upper East Readers,

Before I dive into today's post a quick announcement that season 1 of Chic Candy Chronicles will end in two more posts! Season 2 will commence on July 20th. 

But fret not, dear reader, I will still be active on my IG account: candygirly4202, so you can always find me there <3

Moving on to today's post, let's get cozy and nosy. I won't be offering any advice, nor will this be a how-to series. I'm simply writing to you from my heart. 

I've never been one for grand prizes or the gifted child in ANY scenario. I was always the quiet kid. Never recognized but always there. Never shined but always stayed. 'She's just a kid, she'll grow out of it. What? She doesn't want anyone around? How is that possible? You probably didn't raise her right. Oh look at her, just sitting quietly in a corner, if she hadn't moved to take that glass, I would've thought it was a statue! haha' ha. ha.

How am I to find a spark that was never really lost? How should I find my spark when it never really existed. It just doesn't make sense. I tried everything. I always try, but why am I still not seen?

My sister was never like this, mind you. She shone so brightly, that people swooned around her, like moths to a flame. Not to say she didn't love me, she loves me more than her life, and to be honest, the whole reason why I have my spark is because she practically gave it to me.

I am not a people pleaser, I am not a frigid bitch, I am not a golden retriever, I am not a black cat. I am not a quiet kid. I am not a loud kid. I am, simply put, just me. I am not any of those, but if I wanted to, I could become anyone I ever wished to become. If I wanted to, I could make you believe I'm a saint, I could make you believe I'm a sinner, I could make you believe you love me. Hell, I could make you believe you love yourself. Maybe, in essence, I'm who I want to be.

So tell me, my dear Upper East reader, who are you?

As always, it was lovely writing to you

stay chic and candy

xoxo

Dear Upper East Readers,

Have you ever had the conflict of choosing between two equally desirable outcomes? I'm sure you have, and let me tell you, it never gets easier. But it does become more comfortable.

My biggest hindrance (the best name I could find- let me live) is my indecisiveness. It is so severe that it causes me problems starting from what I wear, leading to which university I should study. I can't say that I've overcome it, but it has become more comfortable and I will tell you the exact steps that I followed so that you can live your best life w/ me <3

Step 1- The Rational (overthinking)  Approach:

Here, I want you to think of every possible outcome for each choice, make a pros and cons list, ask for opinions, look at reviews, the whole shebang. This should give you a bird's eye view of the consequences of your choices.

If this leads you to your decision, then great! Dear reader, you have done your job and now it's time to bask in the confidence that you chose what was best for you, what happens will happen.

If you haven't, fret not, you can try the next step, and you've already done your groundwork so the following steps will be light and breezy. (I hope <3)

Step 2:  The Shadow Work Approach:

Now this one will require you to sit down with your feelings, and while I still struggle to do this at times, every decision I've made by following this step has turned for the better. 

All you need to do is follow the "peeling an onion" method, in which you simply question "Why?" repeatedly until you find the root cause of your indecision. 

For example, I hate history. Why? Because I have a tough time memorizing the dates and I don't like the teacher. Why? Because I need to improve with numbers, and I don't want his approach in teaching. Why? Because I'm a visual learner numbers do not stimulate me enough to remember them, and his beliefs don't align with mine and I just don't think I'm meant for it. 

Now you could go on and on and find out more, but this was enough to make me realize that I don't find myself having a career in history, hence, I don't really find the need to understand more than what I need. 

Of course, if you're unsure of how to proceed, the last step will give you all the courage and guidance you need.

Step 3: The Get Shit Done Approach:

Okay now, you've tried all the methods and done your emotional cleansing and yet you don't know what to do? Don't worry, I got you, dear reader.

No matter what you choose, there will always be consequences. It's up to you on how you approach them. The universe, god, or whatever you believe in, wouldn't lead you to make bad choices, and even if you think they seem bad at the moment, you have always learned a lesson from that choice, and isn't that just so beautiful?

Even in your darkest times, or in your happiest, you made choices that have led you to this moment, and remember, it's you who makes a decision perfect, NOT the outcome. 

Thank you for joining me today, dear reader

stay chic and candy

xoxo

Dear Upper East Reader,

If you've been on your self-love journey for a good while now, then you would've heard about the myth of "comfort zones". While they keep you happy and safe, they also take away great opportunities from you. I can guarantee you that everything that your dream self has, she got it by stepping out of her comfort zone.

You can be the greatest in the league and have all the qualities and requirements but someone less talented than you will get it if you don't step up. Your comfort zone is a trap laid out by your mind. Why? Well because that's how the brain functions, it lives for patterns, routines, and for systems to have been laid out, so it would never willingly make you go out of your way to reach your dream self. 

But what if you made getting out of your comfort zone your system/routine/whatever you wish to call it? Wouldn't your life become ten times easier, and you wouldn't even have to consciously think about it? I think I would call these sustainable habits i.e., your conscious effort gives you a return tenfold (or even more) and brings you just that much closer to your dream life.

If you ask me how do I start or for some of you, where? Then let me just tell you this, you know where you need to start, the one thing you are trying to avoid, the one feeling you just keep hidden, that's your place to start. Once you've identified it, congrats, dear reader, you've come one step closer. 

When it comes to the how part of it, let me explain with a habit of mine, learning code. I'm a humanities student whereas my entire family hails from a science background, so as you can already see, I took the first step and chose to do something that I love, even if it meant stemming away from my family's beliefs. The next step was to still stay in the loop, and while a part of my reason for choosing psychology was because I hated stem subjects, for me to overcome that, I simply needed to do it.

And so that's what I did. I've been learning code for 5 months now, and let me tell you the first week was rough, but it slowly did get easier, there were days when I dreaded learning it, and also days when I loved every second of it. Most importantly, I did (and am doing) it for me, myself and I. That in itself is such a huge wing, dear upper easy reader.

Now, I hope that gave you an idea of how to start, simply do it. I promise you, your dream self is just as far away from you as you put her. 

See you soon, dear Upper East reader

stay chic and candy

xoxo

My Dear Upper East Readers,

It would be unfair of me to ideally write only for the female perspective but alas, I am made for the female gaze, how could I possibly write for anyone else? Then again, I would never discriminate against anyone, each and every one of you is welcome to my posts, and I extend my respect to every single one.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me begin with today's little tip to improve your self-journey, be selfish. Yes, you read that right, I'm calling out all you people pleasers, the ones who can never say no without giving a proper explanation, cannot stand seeing others in discomfort, would rather go and do the thing than make someone uncomfortable, let me tell you, I was the exact same, three years ago.

I'm sure you've read enough posts on how to actually say no, the polite ways to do it, the assertive ways and so much more, and if you've followed any of the above advice then you would also be quite familiar with the guilt that comes with it. I will not lie to you, dear reader, even up until last week, I was unable to say no to going out with my mom and her friends, but at the same time I could to a birthday party (under the guise that I was studying but we'll get into that a bit later.)

It is a confusing concept really, saying no and doing something for yourself, and not others. It is quite a lonely path but one that I've come to enjoy, including the parts where I want to throw up with anxiety, fear, guilt, and all the goofy emotions that come with it <3

This post is a gentle reminder to you all that you're doing good, you're doing enough, you're doing what you want and when you want, it is not an easy path and I mean, if it was, wouldn't everybody already be on it? Being lonely doesn't mean that you're wrong, in fact, it might as well be the opposite, you are doing something that rarely anyone has ever tried to do, you'd be the first to accomplish it, isn't that just so pretty to think, dear reader?

People will always come and go, while some might stay, you know that at the end of the day, it's you who knows yourself the best, you are always there to catch yourself when you fall, and you will always be there to pick up the forgotten pieces of yourself, now tell me, why do you need anyone else?

Of course, being social creatures, I do understand our need to connect with others, but if it's hurting you in the process, it isn't being social, in fact, it is simply you hiding away from the truth. I would never stop you from making friends, meeting new people, or bonding with your old relationships, that is a very important part of your life. But remember dear reader, you should want relationships, not need them.

Wishing you the best in your endeavors,

signing off,

stay chic and candy

My dear Upper East Readers,

You are amazing, loved, appreciated, and so cherished by people you never even knew existed, you are so abundant and full of life, you may not think so but the biggest blessings are just hiding in the corner, waiting for you, searching for you, your time of darkness is merely a way to find your light, nothing more and nothing less. I just felt the sudden need to appreciate you, my dear reader. 

It is quite shocking that this little piece of shit made it to my next post as well, but I guess that's just how it works, they just keep crawling back. You know that point in your life, where you feel just so serene and peaceful but you know it's the calm before the storm or rather the calm after the storm. I don't know if you would say what happened to me would traumatize me or not, but he truly shattered my whole world, now I know that I mustn't give him any credit but he does deserve this one thing, without him, I wouldn't be here, writing to you, I would've never taken the initiative to love myself, properly this time.

When we met again, it was raining (quite the perfect scenario, wasn't it?), I was coming back from college as usual with an umbrella in my hand, listening to folklore, jumping in puddles and simply having the time of my life. And there he was, walking opposite to me, with nothing in his hands to shield him from the rain and that stupid smug smile on his punchable face. I ignored him and passed on, but he caught hold of my arm and whispered something- oh wait, he wasn't whispering, it was my earphones, so I removed them and listened again. "How are you?", he'd asked. "I'm doing good, can you let me go?", I replied. 

"Sure, do you have anything important to do right now or can we have a chat?"

"No, I'm free but what is it?"

"Just come with me"

He caught a lot of my bag, took my umbrella, and went into that empty lobby kind of a place, of course, there was security but that didn't calm my nerves any less. Now, I am reciting to you exactly what happened. He threw my bag to the floor, got himself a chair, and asked me to sit, but I refused. He sat down instead and told me that I didn't need to act so scared, it doesn't work on him anymore. I didn't say anything and went on my phone to try and tell someone to call me, he asked me to stop and threw the umbrella next. I asked him "Why are you doing this?" and sensing my distress, he said, "Don't worry, I won't hit you or anything. I just wanted to know, how is your boyfriend?". I replied, " I don't have one? I'm not sure what you're talking about, I really need to go- I'm late-" "No wait- right, he was your crush, how is he these days?", I do not know from where I got this confidence but I said, "Oh, we're doing great, but how is your girlfriend, or does she even let you call her that?". He replied, with that stupid smirk, probably because he assumed I was jealous, pfft- "She's good, we don't keep labels though". I said, "Ah, okay- well, I've got to go, bye". 

I picked up my bag and umbrella but he bolted before me and said that we should leave together and once again, took my umbrella from me, he started walking towards his house and said, "The least you could do is drop me", I snatched my umbrella, "Since you love getting drenched in the rain, I'm sure you won't mind this" and ran to my house. I woke my mom from her nap, but no words came out of my mouth, what could I tell her? I dated this guy but it bit me in the back? No, I couldn't do that, so I simply said, "I have this friend..he's starting to act weird.." and I told her the entire story, she didn't take me too seriously and said, "Well don't talk to strangers that you meet".

I honestly didn't, couldn't, expect too much from her, or anyone. That is the thing, my dear Upper East reader, there are some battles that no matter how much you shout that it hurts or you can't do it or it's too much, no one will listen to you. It's not because they don't care, but it's because even if they do, it's not their battle after all. You will always remember this, my dear reader, the fights that you fight alone are what bear you the most fruit, the more you bleed, the more you will grow. I do not know if the instances that I have recited to you about will make you feel, but I consider myself very lucky, the past version of me would've thought that this was his way of showing love and that he simply didn't wish to move on from me, maybe that's true, maybe it isn't, that's not for me to dwell on, what I will dwell on is that my current version forgives my past self, she forgives my actions, my words, my thoughts, my emotions and everything in between. 

Nobody will love you the way you will love yourself, it is such a beautiful relationship, my dear reader, and so hauntingly, devastatingly addicting. Get obsessed with yourself, get crazy with the way you show love to yourself because once you do, there is absolutely no going back.

Forevermore,

stay chic and candy

xoxo

My dear Upper East readers,

Welcome to part two of my previous post, I will pick up immediately from where I left off, we met again and my dad was coming to pick me up from the subway station, mind you my parents are very strict and anti-dating, so I was discreetly trying to tell him to fuck off and guess what he did, my fellow reader, he stayed and had an entire conversation with me as my dad was standing right there, and left after giving me a fist bump. 

Fun fact: the more you chase after something, the more it runs away. 

We bumped into each other again sometime after that and well, we decided we would try again, and this time, my dear reader, I tried my very best, being an avoidant attachment style lover, it is very difficult for me to actually commit to anything and my case is so severe that it is honestly difficult for me to finish anything that I start, you wouldn't believe me if I told you but I have not finished a series I started 10 years ago solely due to the fact of my aforementioned problem, so I'll leave it to your imagination to see how my relationships would turn out.

He said some of the sweetest and most romantic things I've ever heard like, "You're gorgeous" or "The only reason I approached you was because of the way your hair moved and covered your entire face while you slept" or some creepy thing that dropped my gut to my foot. I just dismissed it as nerves and continued, this would be the first time I tried my best to be completely honest about everything, with no lies to cover up anything like I'd done in my past relationships. I liked him, and I thought he liked me too. Karma does come to bite you back always, doesn't it? You'll understand my reasoning better after I tell you about my second relationship, the sweetest one I've ever had, but for now, back to him.

We decided to go on a date and I decided on the venue, I chose the date and timing, but this wasn't what put me off, it was the fact that he said, "I would like to not tell any of my friends about us anytime soon(or like ever haha) because they'll act weird and I don't want that", I genuinely beilived that because I, hid my relationships from my parents (and friends, until I get comfortable) so I couldn't really blame him. I decided to tell at least one of my friends about where we were because, of safety, and I just felt more comfortable that way. (Always let someone know, dear reader.) 

I will sum up the date in two words, fucking hell. Why? Well, first of all, he tried to hold my hand which I would've considered cute but under that circumstance, it wasn't welcomed. We decided to eat at this place and it was all good, Oh, I'd forgotten to mention the circumstance itself, he was late, not by 10 minutes or half an hour, a good fucking two hours, and I simply waited because as I said, I wanted to give it my all, so yes I was starving by the time we reached the place, I was grumpy and he dared to simply say "I just woke up late sorry haha".

I was sobbing, my insides were screaming at me to get away from him , every fiber in my being was begging me to go back home to my parents, to their loving embrace and I would never have to see him again. No, he hadn't physically done anything to me but the accusations that he had made, boy oh boy did I wanna punch him. 

He'd finished eating quite a time ago, but being a slow eater, I was taking my time and he kept making subtle comments about wanting to make out I pretended to be oblivious to his advances because quite frankly, I didn't want to, not on the first date. And at some point, he simply said, "Will you drop the fucking act? It's getting boring now." And just like that, he shattered my entire world.

No, it wasn't that serious. Yes, I was putting up an act but he did not have any right to accuse me of anything. That was simply the beginning, he said I was "a two-faced whore who would make out with any guy who showed any interest in me", this is all he talked about on our ride back home. For an entire hour, acc after accusations, mind you some of them were so absolutely ridiculous that I couldn't help but laugh in his face the entire time he tried to judge my character. 

I gave the coldest and sweetest revenge I could think of at that very moment, I pretended to be head over heels for him and started crying saying "How could you say such a thing? How could you say that to my face?" You should've seen his face, dear reader, he was doubting his entire life, and he thought he knew me like the back of his hand. He showed me videos of girls he'd taken to his house or whatever and all I could do was think about how I could've saved my day by doing literally anything else. There were so many signs, why did I ignore them all? For what?

All in all, I came back home, locked myself in the bathroom and looked myself in the mirror, I did not cry, I did not shed a single tear, I simply smiled and went back to my family, did my daily chores and slept on it. Until he had to come back into my life after I explicitly told him to never talk to me, even if he did see me. There won't be another part to this, I will tell you about what happend in the next post, my upper east reader but it would be more about us, then about this fucking bitch.

Yours lovingly,

stay chic and candy

xoxo