Despite Everything, It's Still You

I’m so sad things could have been so different if certain things hadn’t happened back then

Or maybe not, because she could be kind of a bitch, idk

why does this stupid crap still upset me 12 years later I’m so dumb 

tbh, in my head we would have had this incredible, life-long romance and it would have been perfect, but I know that’s not how things would have happened, even if we had become romantic

I was never considered a high enough quality friend, she left me for better ones because, let’s be real, I’m a loser, and I knew it back then too. She would have ditched me in exactly the same way, but maybe it would hurt more? Or maybe I’d have had confirmation about what I was, it’s the only time I’ve ever been attracted to someone, but when your 12 does that really count? 

I don’t know what to think or feel, there’s no point in what-ifs and things couldn’t be worse than right now, my circumstances surely wouldn’t have changed that much if things had gone further. I never fit in with her friends, and the ones I lost her for wouldn’t have been around at all if I’d stayed with her.

I think it might have just been a different kind of bad? And I’d probably still be hung up on her over a decade, and an entire life-stage, later, but in a different context.

Yeah, I think things would have ended up the same. But I would have been outed properly? Or still confused with a non-existent libido lmao. idk, I wish I could erase all those memories and not have to dwell on stupid things like this