jocelyn

also known as impostor phenomenon or impostorism, imposter syndrome is a psychological experience of intellectual and professional infraudulence. it is "the subjective experience of perceived self-doubt in one's abilities and accomplishments compared with others, despite evidence to suggest the contrary."

many have gently recited the definition of this term to me, assuring me that my feelings of inadequacy and fraudulence are simply that: feelings. but the concept of imposter syndrome remains paradoxical to me. it is my truthful and genuine belief that i have done nothing to deserve any of the opportunities that i have been given. in this belief, there exists no "subjectivity"; i am certain that my understanding of my own abilities is the only truth. in my mind, i am not the illusioned one. no, it is you with the misplaced faith.

it is true that i have accumulated many "accomplishments" that suggest a certain intelligence and work ethic. but between you and me, i sincerely do not understand what i have done to achieve the things that i have. i am not a genius. i don't have dreams to change the world. i'm a chronic procrastinator. but most importantly, i fear that i am just very, very lucky.

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in the end it doesn't matter. whether i deserved these opportunities or not, they are here. i am here. i will be grateful, and do with them the best i can.

18th century (Qing dynasty) Chinese wallpaper, created for export. This piece always evokes a concoction of awe-nostalgia-wonder for me, because of the peonies and the way the earth seems to flow.

The sea cucumber Oneirophanta. From Greek oneiro: "dream", and phainomai: "to appear". The one who appears in dreams.