the true light that burns us

finished rereading vol 1 of berserk and it's fun seeing guts essentially undergo griffithfication. at his lowest he's turns into griffith. even the opening scene reminds me of griffith - guts is a fucking an apostle who he quickly kills after; for the most part, griffith uses his body and sex as a means to an end. guts is later captured and tortured, and the mayor says to torture him but not to kill him. he self-harms the way griffith did. he tells puck and the people he encounters that people should live how they want, not be subservient to someone else's fight. if they die dying for someone's fight (dream!), well they weren't strong enough in the first place and they deserved to die. it's a cruder, more extreme version of what he heard griffith say to charlotte. the priest lamenting his nephew who died fighting in war, and guts saying that at least he died doing what he wanted. at least he died for his "dream". all of it goes back to griffith.