lapis sky

something about caring for someone new to the world and leaving the world at the same time.. similarities include cleaning and changing them, specific laundry needs, saying what you're doing out loud to help manage expectations, being kind of sneaky like knowingly putting something irresistible out that they're more likely to engage with whether food or drink or a book to get conversation going or when all else fails some music. anticipating needs and offering early, thinking through a routine and keeping it consistent so they're taken care of because it's difficult for them to ask for things. keeping it light and breezy as much as possible like a spill? no problem easy to clean up. you want something? I'd love to go get it for you. the waiting is the same. when is all this going to change? when will the baby come and when will this person go and what will it be like and will I recognize the signs and can we find some comfort in the passage? I know this simultaneous entry and leaving is the peak of the argonauts and it struck such a chord with me when I first read it and I'm just amazed I'm now living a version of this. I feel grateful I kicked into this gear and can do it. maybe the hospital setting affected my emotional response but I'm so glad that I can offer more than just feeling it now.

I can finally do something useful and I'm so glad. Helping my grandma around the house, bringing food that even my uncle wants to eat, organizing supplies, planning to make a care calendar to keep track of things since the nurse will only come once a day. reading my uncle's collection of 20th century british and american poetry and looking at what he wrote in the margins. went into his room for something and thought there was a bible by his bed that surprised me but it's a greek dictionary.

I'm just sad. my uncle decided to go home today to start hospice there. I feel like there are things I want to tell him and went to visit him last night but he was sleeping so I mostly just sat with him. I keep crying when I see him and I'm trying not to be hard on myself about that but I'm also like pull it together enough to have a conversation. my grandma lost her husband in her 40s to cancer with five kids ranging 9-20 and has been saying how much this reminds her of what he went through and that she hopes he can just go to sleep. she said she finally had to tell her husband it was okay and that she would be okay and then he almost immediately died. I asked her how she does it because she's lost so many people and in the last year it's been so many more and she said there's just always something left to be interested in or that you want to see more of like now her great grandchildren. I had this idea that I'd read to my uncle but he's just so tired it feels disruptive. I've never been this up close to someone dying before and it's honestly a privilege in a lot of ways but it's also so fucking hard.

lately I have no patience for the way passive people develop resentment.. you think you're stuck or someone made you do something or you feel like you should do something so you do it but you hate it. my friend hates her job, she's hated it for years, I don't know what to tell her anymore. I don't even know if she properly hates it or is just bored by it. is it the subject matter, the people, the pace? what are the reasons you stay.. the money, the benefits, the schedule.. all of those actually count for something, they're the active part you're choosing over the story you're telling yourself that you're stuck. getting unstuck requires courage and risk and maybe some stupidity for leaving security but doing whatever it is you think you should be doing instead but aren't yet brave enough to do. she wants to be an artist, she does all these things outside work but it's not enough. what will satisfy her. I don't know. maybe nothing. maybe she takes a big leap and does it and fails and wishes for the safety of an office job where her needs are met and she has time and money to pursue artistic endeavors. maybe she makes it in whatever way that means to her and she can't believe she waited so long. but I'm tired of hearing "I can't do that" like you can. it would make you uncomfortable and you might regret it but you have to decide if that's worth it to you or if the choices you are making that don't register as choices because they maintain the status quo are worth it. everyone knows it's hard out there so no one will think you're less than for having a day job and doing things when you can but the continued framing of I can't is no longer holding up. I'm not in the best mood because I'm at my parents house where there's lots of street traffic and noise and nobody's sleeping well and I am seeing how in their older age some maintenance is really falling off. I visited my uncle in the hospital yesterday and the end for him is near and by many accounts he would not be considered a success in the eyes of society, but he is a kind person who is deeply present, knew how to live capably and modestly, and worked hard all his life and loved classical music. he enjoyed performances more than anyone I know and enjoyed every bit of time off he could to see them. he was telling me how he followed the chopin pianist awards and made it a goal to see every winner perform in something and he and my husband were talking about that because his first piano teacher in college was an award winner and my uncle remembered exactly what he'd seen him play. my uncle is conceptually very at peace with his life but he is surprised at how quickly it's ending and he doesn't want to let go yet. at thanksgiving we do this thing I learned at my friend's whose family I celebrated with in college rather than travel home where you take leaves and write something you're thankful for and the little kids go out and find fallen bare twigs then you hang the leaves on the tree and they call it a thankful tree and I remember his from a few years ago was "time". life is so short and it feels even shorter when you're making excuses for why you're not doing something you feel you can stand behind and saying exactly that would be too harsh but it's what I want to say.

can't believe my college boyfriend was this inside guy who was only really interested in music and film and he cared about his hair and clothes too much. everyone I was with before and after were outside people, broad shouldered, callouses on their hands. weird time in my life living in the midwest for the first time and I didn't really understand seasons yet and thought okay I can do this inside museum arts and culture thing in winter. which you know, I learned I can do and it has a place but since moving home to california for the last 7 years I've been to museums a handful of times and go walking in the mountains multiple times a week. inside life was a longer blip than it should have been but thank god it was a blip.

I keep telling people I need to grow a thicker skin because my daughter is almost two and wants to participate in everything and I need to remind myself all the time that parenting and living aren't about experiencing only ideal situations, it's about having a sense of self and being able to respond to things with care and generosity but also knowing what's bullshit so you know when to take things to heart and when not to internalize something.. of course I want to protect my daughter from unnecessary unkindness but it's really the little things that break my heart a little bit. like she's interested in greeting people and likes to say hello and offer a high five and at a park the other week she tried to high five an older girl who ignored her and I could just see my daughter not even really register a rejection but more be baffled like why would someone leave me hanging and I was like wow yeah versions of this will happen over and over again forever and I just have to be there for her. it's so small but I remember being a kid and feeling things like that so deeply and I remember feeling dismissed about it and how upsetting that was even if the thing itself was not that intense. was putting laundry in and heard the neighbor's kids behind me having a fight and then apologizing to each other in this little kid sincere but blunt way and remembered okay that's the point.. not the fight but the response..