lapis sky

I love that when I call hospice and they put me on hold the music is clair de lune

I think it's wonderful and also very funny that when my dad and my uncle were talking about not imagining this is how it would end for him, my uncle quoted Euripides and said something like "'nothing can be unexpected because of what is happening now".. I need to turn that over a few times. he is honestly dying so well I hope I can handle things this thoughtfully when my time comes

something about seeing primarily eastern european or baltic cities and towns on every list of lesser known summer destinations that really grinds my gears.. as if to say france and italy are overdone, portugal is becoming overdone.. but hey, you can still find something authentic in albania or slovenia.. our whole approach to traveling in this age of social media tourism is so shallow.. can't we just remember that it's not about where we go but how we go and if we can move with an open heart and some humility.

I continue to be amazed by hospice and how we suddenly have access to amazing resources like a case manager, shower nurse, nurse, social worker.. I wish we had any of this for my dad's dementia, and actually this experience inspired me to see if his doctor's office has any social workers they can connect us to. everything feels so manageable and like you're not left alone to figure out a bunch of heavy and complex things. I think my uncle is a very good patient because he's so grounded and philosophical and endlessly curious so he's interested in the dying process and even though he is feeling all sorts of discomfort he is also able to discuss it all so wide open and directly. I respect medical professionals so much and am really enjoying learning caregiving techniques to make him comfortable and learning to use an oxygen and nebulizer machine and logging notes for his team. It makes me want to do some more training because it just feels very empowering to be able to offer tactical help. Hospice is incredible to me because culturally it's so rare that we're so direct about death and we hardly talk about it in technical terms. the nurse yesterday ended up facilitating a conversation between us about my uncle's preferences for providing comfort medicine, which he's currently refusing and the nurse said well that's his choice and in this field we have to respect that and let it be even when it's hard. and then facilitated further to get his consent to provide meds if and when he gets to a point where he can't ask or we notice agreed on physical signs of distress and that was a relief to everyone who doesn't want him to suffer and also doesn't want to see him suffer if there's relief we can provide. it feels like we are living on borrowed time while he's lucid because his cancer has made eating nearly intolerable for him so aside from some small things, he's gone a very long time. he asked the nurse how long he'd seen people able to go and he said it all depends on the person but we all have limits. we are not quite at a week of home hospice and I think probably we will be at a new level of care soon but I don't know. I can't imagine how much harder this would be for people who are very scared or families that are further apart but I'm really just grateful this is our experience. I keep wanting to say it's beautiful and I mainly mean that his openness has made it that way along with some darker jokes that have been very funny, like laughing and crying at the same time funny. I feel like we're all in this together and he feels that too.