jaded.

I’m pretty sure I just moved into the probably lovliest cottage ever. I can’t only say I am in love with it but also Hatchi. If anyone wants some tea or biscuits, let me know. I’m Perrie Edwards, singer and member of a band called Little Mix. We’re pretty good. 

Pez, can you bring tea and biscuits to me on tour? And your dog. Think of my presence as your town/housewarming gift. ... Maybe kidding. But welcome, Pez! I think your band is pretty cool. I am Calum Hood, singer and bassist of an Australian band called 5 Seconds of Summer.

Certain cooking videos on Youtube should come with the prior disclaimer that reminds you they are professional chefs and half of these recipes shouldn’t be attempted at home. In between traveling back and forth from Bayview and on tour I’ve become slightly addicted to watching Bon Appetite videos online. They always manage to make everything look so easy, so I figured why not? They even say to try this recipe at home, give you all the steps, have a way to print out the recipe, they must be user friendly. Lies. All freaking lies. I’ve spent so much money on groceries and all I’ve landed with is meals that look far more questionable than they should and a gigantic mess that I’m really not looking forward to cleaning up. Should have gone and gotten Hello Fresh, those are manageable right? Needless to say should the singing career fall through, again, chef or youtuber is not on the list of possible fall back careers. Guess it’s back to the love of my life, postmates. 

Like the “Do not try this at home” disclaimers they put when you watch wrestling? As if that event stopped my sister and I, let’s be honest here, Joe. Now I’m hungry. Did you burn something? At least you’re trying, should we applaud you for effort? Because I would. We’ll get you a Hello Fresh Subscription ASAP. I’ve never tried it but the amount of youtube videos I’ve been watching that have a HF Promo Code while touring... I swear you could get 318973198 years free food. 

Does anyone have any tips or tricks when it comes to unpacking? Asking for a friend. I have no memory of what’s placed where. I neglected to label the boxes when preparing for the move. Silly me. Now they’re all mystery boxes and that is a joy to go through. 

... Stick it in the back of your closet. Trust me. It works. Alright, no. I’m just messing. Hire someone else to do it? Or if you have a family member who visits and you’re still not unpacked, they might take pity on you and unpack for you. 

Always great to have connections. Then they can help you during a time of need… or you know, when you’re trying to get a tattoo done. Do you think the reason behind that is cause the C is a lot easier to do than the R? Or are you trying to imply that you have better control or you have a natural talent as a tattoo artist? I can’t wait to see the performance. I’m sure that you’ll get an Oscar much sooner than Leonardo DeCaprio got his. 

Right? I have them on speed dial or something. The band and I did Tattoo Roulette on James Corden and James had an artist on speed dial after we agreed to do it. It’s so handy. Listen, I don’t mean to brag, Jase, but I think I’d be a tattoo artist in another life. As well as playing on the Australian National Soccer team. That’s Alternate-Universe Calum. What would Alter-Uni Jason be like? Have you ever thought of it? These are things I think of on the tour bus. I’ll take it. I’ve already started a speech. I have a bunch of people to thank.

Take pictures while you’re getting it done or else I won’t believe that you’re doing it. I thought they can’t tattoo you if you’re drunk anymore? Or do you go to a special tattoo artist that tattoos you no matter how drunk you are? Did you really? Did you do a good job at inking him up? I think so! I’ll see if I can get one for you before the holiday comes around. Act surprised, though. 

Maybe not drunk drunk but tipsy and coherent enough to make absolutely amazing and great decisions. Besides, I know some people! They might be able to do it even if I was drunk. Who knows. I think we did a kick ass job at tattooing each other, and my ‘C’ on him looks better than his ‘R’ on me. I’m not biased or anything though, I could be a tattoo artist in another life. I’m going to practice acting surprised, don’t worry. I’ll let out a few tears, yell out this was what I always wanted, give you my best Oscar-Award-Winning performance. Ever. I got you.

You know you’re getting older when you look at something in the store and say to yourself, ‘wow that was so cool when I was a kid’. And then you realize that when you were a kid was maaaaybe 20-odd something years ago. It’s so funny how some of that stuff is making a comeback, though! Like plaid. Even though I always wear plaid so maybe my argument needs a little work. Is there some kind of trend you were into that went away and came back or something that went away and should stay away? Haha.

You know what I really wish could come back? Pogs. I had such a collection when I was younger, it’s probably somewhere in my parents’ basement back home in Australia. Pogs were the shit and I want them to come back. It’s like how shows keep getting rebooted and they’re making a comeback. Are we living in year 2000, Grant?

Wait, does that mean that you were going to add my initials underneath your best friend’s name? Now that’s ballsy. As long as my initials are much bigger than his, then I’m fine with it. Doesn’t that sound pretty great? It’ll bring us all together. In other words, you want us to gift you some type of mustache? I hear that Amazon has some fake mustaches online. I’ll get them for you for Christmas. 

It’s happening, Jase. Tour starts tomorrow and we’re in Cincinnati and just you wait when I get back your initials might be tattooed on me. Shit happens when I’m drunk, ok. I promise your initials will be bigger than his. He tattooed it on me and I tattooed mine on him. You can try. Are there mustache growth serums? I feel like this may be something I need, too.  

Well Bayview it’s safe to say that I have finally arrived. Feel free to come along and shower me with all of your love and affection. I will take any sort of gifts that are in the food category just so you know. With that being said even though I’m a shite cook I can offer anyone free takeout and beer if they’re willing to pop on over and help me set up my house and organize everything cause lord only knows that this is not my area of expertise. Also hello I’m Taron and yes I did steal every single pair of glasses that I wore on the set of Rocketman.

You had me at food, mate. And beer. Mainly the beer part. What kind of beer is the real question, honestly. Because there’s only one answer you’re not allowed to fucking say because it’s trash. Hi, Taron. I’m Calum. Nice to meet you and welcome to town.

Now that I’ve finished work and I’m back in town, I finally have time to explore. I was gutted that I had to leave so soon after moving it but here I am, ready to be a little nerd and go into every store or cafe I see. First though, what is one place you’d recommend visiting first? 

Wow how dare you leave us the first time around, that’s rude, Maisie. But welcome back, once people leave, they always want to come back. What places are you looking for? I like our coffee shops because I can’t start my day without coffee even though I’ve made friends with the people at Starbucks and I know there are other coffee shops around.

Hello Bayview! I could use a wonderful distraction from packing - preferably one that showcases music and snacks, so if anyone knows of anything, please share your secrets. Oh yeah, and I’m Selena, it’s wonderful to be here!

Sweet Tooth all day every day. Coral Street Too is really great, though, but I feel as if everyone suggests all of those. Hi, Selena. I’m Calum, welcome to town!

Nope just me being extra dramatic and annoying. Now I’m curious to hear it and want to know how often that happens? Sounds exciting, touring seems so fun but definitely exhausting. Thank you!

Trust me, you don’t want to. I wouldn’t even want to wish it upon my worst enemy. She’s the worst. I’m excited for it! We have a new sound out and everything and probably the most kick ass set come next month. I’m not saying you should come see it for yourself, but... come see it.

Was working on yet another moving vlog and I’m pretty sure my neighbors are already ready for me to leave. Just kidding…maybe. I will say I’m going to do everything I can to get moved in this weekend before it’s back to work Monday. If you happen to live in my apartment and happen to hear what sounds like a cat dying, don’t worry it’s just me crying. How’s everyone else doing? What’s new? 

Oh so that’s what that noise is. I thought the old lady down the hall was trying to sing again. That’s a sight you never wanna see. Or hear. I’m doing alright, writing, promoting songs, practicing for tour next month, the same old. But welcome to town!