squareone 4.0

i miss her

the old me

the tired one

the broken one

she was a mess

but at least she felt

full of passion

she didn’t overthink shit

she didn’t need a reason

she just went

windows down music blaring screaming at the top of my lungs

laughing with people she barely knew

crying alone in parking lots at midnight

texting like her fingers were on fire

fucked like the world was ending in the morning

heart always too full

eyes always too wide

she wasn’t scared

not like this

not this quiet fear that creeps in

not this numbness that wraps around my ribs and doesn’t let go

choking and smothering me

with an emptiness worse than the pain of before

she was present

like really here

like memory sharp as glass

like every day hurt

but at least it was real

now it’s blurry

now i forget

now i drink too much

to shut it all out

she was chaos

but she was ALIVE

middle fingers up

feet on the dashboard

rules were suggestions

standards were lies

and she never gave a fuck

i want her back

not all of her

not the ache or the empty

but the fire

the way she burned

even when it hurt

especially when it hurt

i miss being that girl

before the healing got so quiet

before the joy felt so hard to reach

before the numb settled in like it belonged here

she didn’t wait

she didn’t ask

she just lived

and fuck