Callie's Catastrophe

I'm finally fully out to my parents, new name and all. They said they'll try to stick to it but I guess I'll just have to see how that goes.

Anyways djknfsjnfvd I feel like something has fundamentally shifted in the world, like terraria hard mode style. I haven't had a serious conversation with my parents in... ever, I think. Every time I tried to I'd either break down or lose my confidence before being able to. Today has been... very new, I guess.

I guess I've entered a phase in my life where I'm finally breaking down all the walls I've surrounded myself with, and it's incredibly anxiety inducing but I feel like I have to keep going, I can't lose this momentum and close up again.

Gonna spend some more time seriously looking into getting hrt, my parents said they approve as long as I'm completely sure in my decision (which I very much am) so I guess I just have to go for it and hope for the best medical rng. I honestly don't know how much longer I can keep going the way I am, dysphoria feels like its getting worse and it's suffocating.

(Context for all of this, I'm pre transition, an incredibly anxious person in general, and I only realized I'm trans in April this year)

Just recently revealed my new name in the main discord community I'm a part of, everything went really well. I'm also getting nicknames now which was something that was almost impossible with my deadname jdksfjknfdjfk That coupled with starting to use my name more in college, I'm gaining a lot more confidence in my trans identity. While I am glad for that idk when I'll have enough confidence to jump through the hoops to get hrt but I really hope it's soon.

In other news: Dysphoria sucks. A lot. Sometimes it's worse and sometimes it's better but it's always there and I just wanna feel comfortable in my body for even a moment without escapism or derealization or whatever but it's just impossible for now.

Don't really wanna end on such a sour note tho so here's something positive uhhhh Oh yea I'm officially in a QPR! We've been friends for a year and I just figured I'd ask and they said yes :D so that's real cool and neat yeye

Alright, so this story is one of the main reasons I made this blog and I figured I'd explain it.

First, some context: So I was born in one state but moved to another state with my close family when I was young, and every so often (usually for Thanksgiving or Christmas) my family takes trips over to my birth state bc most of the rest of my family lives there. In recent years, my family has rented out houses to stay in during our trips, usually hosting parties there for whatever reason we were there, so the houses were pretty big to accommodate a lot of people.

While we were there one night (I believe this was Nov 2020) while scrolling through doing whatever on the internet, I stumbled upon the channel of kittydog, through a video of hers in my recommended where she animated the last song from Bo Burnham's "make happy" show. I had previously seen kittydog's channel and watched her content, but I decided that because I had a lot of free time while I was there, I would watch a bunch of kittydog's animations, a lot of which were animated to songs she had created herself. Putting this all together, with the large, empty, yet unfamiliar room I was in, and the animation memes and original songs from kittydog, created an emotion I had never felt before, a strange, ethereal calmness that permeated everything. The feeling was repeatable too, but for some reason I could only feel it in large empty rooms, at night, where I knew I was alone, and usually while listening to kittydog's music (or at least, her music made the feeling stronger). I still don't exactly know what this feeling is, but it's so strangely interesting to me, that I take almost every chance to pursue feeling it. I've even made it a tradition to listen to a short playlist I made of kittydog songs on the final night of every vacation in the largest room I can find in whatever place we're staying at (although one time I just went outside, it was a nice night then).

Anyways, that brings me to recently. Within the last few days I've gotten back into kittydog's songs and realized how much her songs reflect how she's feeling in the moment, almost like a snapshot of her being (as cliche as that sounds). That gave me the idea to watch all of her animations in the order they were released, which I'm not sure was a good idea? My reasoning was that'd I'd be able to get a better idea of who she was through her works, and through that be able to figure out the origin of that ethereal feeling, but instead I just sort of absorbed the emotions of each video as they went by, so now I'm just feeling a giant jumble of every emotion, although mostly sad and/or angry since her vent animations have a lot more emotion in them I feel. I still think this could be useful, but just... ugh.

Hi! I'm Callie. Here I am on tumblr I guess. I just figured it'd be a good place to store my thoughts that wasn't entirely private but that still protected my identity, and also not my friends discord rant channel, where I take up probably 70% of everything said there (It's a 6 person server).

Anyways, if you're seeing this, hi! Feel free to do whatever regarding my posts, I mean the only reason I'm here instead of my journal is because I have things I wanna share and that I hope people are interested in.

Anyways, about me uhhh

I'm a big nerd, I like cats and computers and cute things, my favorite music includes anything from lofi to future bass, I rarely like anything mainstream, and I probably don't sleep enough. In this blog I hope to share a lot of things about who I am and the things I discover while thinking. I hope whoever happens to be reading this can find my stuff interesting.