okay imagine that you were in a car crash when you were a kid. imagine the trauma from being in a car crash left you with a lasting fear of being in cars and caused any mention of car crashes to make you start shutting down. as you approach legal age to drive, you start developing a deep fear that you are doomed to cause a car crash, coupled with vivid intrusive thoughts about crashing cars, especially when you're behind the wheel. this is something experts call "car crash ocd"
your life is difficult. you're extremely avoidant and afraid of cars, especially of driving them, even if you want to drive. eventually you get your driver's license anyway due to a variety of social pressures. you are an extremely careful driver in the rare case you do drive, and are riddled with anxiety, but others are not similarly careful with you.
you grow up. you discover an online community of people who like to roleplay car crashes with each other for sexual pleasure. this largely happens online, or in private in people's own homes, or occasionally at private car shows arranged for the purpose. no real car crashes occur because of this committee.
you are initially extremely wary of this group. you've heard of car crash fetishists. that they like to get into car crashes and kill people with their cars for their own sick pleasure. everyone hates car crash fetishists. often, though, your own intrusive thoughts have taken a frighteningly sexual tone, and you wonder if being in control of those thoughts might make them less painful and upsetting.
you start spending time in the car crash fetish community. a lot of the people in it have car crash ocd, like you. a lot of them were in car crashes, like you. some of them weren't either, but they are respectful and considerate. your new friends tell you anyone who isn't is not welcome.
this is helping you a lot. there's often times you can't engage with it at all for fear of making an already horrible spiral even worse, but those times are becoming less frequent, and being able to turn your intrusive thoughts into something less scary helps a lot in your ocd and trauma management.
you cannot ever talk about it. in other online spaces you're in, people gladly post about wanting all car crash fetishists dead, and furthermore, how owning a crash 2004 dvd is a sign you'll cause a real car crash in the future, how the fast and the furious should be banned. people talk about how children shouldn't be allowed to read about car crashes in fiction, even if they're portrayed in a negative light, because it might be traumatizing. (nevermind that a lot of car crash victims were children, nevermind that you were a child). it also colors people's view of social issues. people attribute car-centric infrastructure to sick car crash fetishists getting off on it rather than correctly acknowledging it as the product of a corrupt system that will do anything in the name of money, power, and being able to do whatever they want. people report people to car crash victim helplines for watching movies about cars or talking about sadism on tumblr. these helplines beg people to stop doing this so they can help actual victims.
you try to talk about this. people say that you can't really have car crash ocd or be a car crash victim, or else you'd be disgusted and horrified by your intrusive thoughts. people accuse you of trying to get into a car crash in real life, tell you that you probably liked being trapped in the wreckage as a kid. it's a commonly held belief in the us that people who crash cars deserve the death penalty.
you also notice that this is so much worse for transfems. trans women in your community are socially isolated the moment it gets out, trans women outside of your community are assumed to be in it the moment people don't like them, or even accused of running secret underground clubs of other transfems causing car crashes on purpose. politicians lobby for trans women not to be able to own cars at all. this happens to other people too, especially minorities, but it happens worst by far to transfems.
you don't see how your tiny community of consenting adults roleplaying online by themselves is doing any harm, but almost everyone hates you. so you stop. you have other coping mechanisms, but none of them worked as well, so your car crash ocd gets worse. every time you find yourself aroused by an intrusive thought about car crashes, even if it's an involuntary groinal response, you find yourself sick with disgust. you feel dirty. you feel worthless. you feel dangerous. you get worse.
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