Calendar Man Knows My Birthday

Bruce Wayne is Batman’s sugar daddy.

So, I feel as though it’s safe to say that Gotham is to New Jersey as Long Island is to New York. They’re technically the same state but the whole being an island thing ruins the solidarity a bit.

HOWEVER — and this is vaguely terrifying — New Jersey is the appropriate amount of aggressively weird to be associated with Gotham. Like, obviously NJ doesn’t regularly get attacked by a party clown after one too many snotty five year olds, or wine aunts who went to How To Make All The Wrong Choices 101 instead of therapy, or a wannabe mobster with a tuxedo chicken obsession — and I’m getting distracted here.

But the thing is,,, the rest of the shit that goes on??? It wouldn’t be off the mark in the rest of NJ???

Take Crime Alley. You shouldn’t go there after dark. You shouldn’t go there period. It’s a concentrated area of people desperate enough to turn to crime, and the residents there have been targeted by corrupt cops, and the cops repeatedly get away with it because of the reputation of the people there. IT’S LITERALLY JUST NEWARK ISTG

Not to mention Calico the Evil Clown of Middletown. There’s legitimately a sign of a creepy clown,,, and it spawned creEPY CLOWN ATTACKS IN 2016. Like,, no actual attacks happened to my knowledge, but there were threats!!!

Also the fact that NJ puts out people you just wouldn’t expect?? Gotham has the Wayne-Winters, NJ has Meryl Streep, Frank Sinatra, Queen Latifah, Joe Pesci... admittedly the last one does make sense.

At this point I’m waiting for someone to take up the mantle of the New Jersey Devil. I wouldn’t even be surprised.

PART ONE: THE MAD HATTER

I???? Feel like we should be more concerned about him???

First off,,, he uses mind control/brainwashing tech. That’s it. There should be no need for additional explanation. But that seems incredibly violating. I hate to say this, but in a twisted way we’re lucky his shtick isn’t about causing general chaos. The potential he has to do some terrible, terrible things to people is honestly frightening. Like, legitimately terrifying.

Secondly, his obsession with Alice in Wonderland. It’s not even the movies — it’s the book. The book by Lewis Carroll is not only creepy, but kinda problematic. I understand that at the time it was written it might not have been as . . . disturbing i guess?? But the fact that the Mad Hatter is basing his whole thing off of it rubs me wrong (more than his existence bothers me already, y’know??). This leads me to my third point.

The Mad Hatter has a type. I cannot emphasize enough what this must do to someone. Putting aside the fact that his type is the Aryan race,,, not many other rogues target people for their looks consistently. Yes, Mad Hatter will target anybody near him for run-of-the-mill schemes like robbing a bank,,, but for his themed crimes?? White, blonde girls with blue eyes — typically on the younger side.

With other Rogues, everyone kinda has an equal chance at being nabbed — putting aside wrong place wrong time, and being high profile. But imagine having to live with the knowledge that hey! A literal psychopath with the ability to mind control you could go out of his way to kidnap you and you’d never know it was coming! just because of the way a person looks. It’s a disturbingly similar concept to the “with the way she was dressed, she was asking for it” argument. Which,,,, just shut.

But I also think that what the victims have to deal with after the fact is what makes the Mad Hatter so very bad. They’ve had to deal with the fact that their mind was violated, and that they were forced to do things they never consented to. They’ve had to deal with not knowing what exactly they did, and not knowing if someone would recognize them and blame them. And the poor “Alices.” I know that a lot of the girls end up dying their hair and/or wearing contacts. Because they feel like the only thing they can do to feel safe is to change how they look. The Mad Hatter has, in a way, laid claim to certain features, and declared that anyone who has them is in danger. It’s obviously nobody’s fault but the Mad Hatter that the girls got taken, but most of the victims end up blaming their natural features for their kidnapping.

So can you guess who my least favorite Rouge is (besides the clown bitch-ass)????

Forget Batman, I’m gonna be the one to take down Mister Freeze. This man is my mortal enemy.

Like, I actually like the snow, and I can deal with the cold because winter sometimes looks pretty. BUT DOES THIS MAN NEED TO GIVE ME FROSTBITE. DO SOMETHING NICE LIKE MAKE ICE SCULPTURES. MAKE THE LAKE AN ICE-SKATING RINK!!! He DOES NOT need to give me hypothermia.

Catwoman = Carmen Sandiego if Carmen Sandiego was a catlady and wasn’t trained by an evil organization of thieves.

She left the Joker!!!! That clowny bitchass!!!!

And, of course, there has been no official statement about who killed the Joker,,,

That time when Casey McLaughlin was covering how Mr. Freeze inadvertently gave us a snow day and said he should have a sidekick named Jack Frost,,,, and then we hear Wally cackling in the background as Felix shouts, “I’LL DO IT. I’LL MAKE THE SACRIFICE!”

When Tim, Celeste and Wally highjacked the mic from Felix to debate who had more kids: Batman or Bruce Wayne. (Made even more hilarious by the fact that both Tim and Celeste are Bruce Wayne’s kids, and they proceeded to argue whether or not children with parents/not officially adopted counted) They eventually said Zaira Winters,,, which wasn’t an option but mood.

My cousin from — you guessed it! — Metropolis doesn’t seem to belive/understand the utter lunacy that happens in Gotham.

Naturally, it’s now my mission to burden them with this knowledge.