9/4;

I learned of not expecting

Especially from a person

I learned no to put hope on someone

Not to believe that they will keep their promises

Words, are mere front

Funny enough, I am still getting my hopes up whenever they offer me something

It feels like; finally someone came to salvation

When, they are also the one who made me learn you can't trust anyone

the evening always makes me think of what kind of life I've been through and what things that makes me greatful, its just down to me that I have met so many people and some of them feel like home...

makes me think of goodbyes and the emptiness I feel inside, makes me think of a warm place that I can (or wish to) call home. It might sound silly but just like how seventeen members find family in each other, I also want that kind of relationship. I want friends who can become my home, a place that you can lean on, a place that you can trust, a place that can save you, and that would be enough.

I have left so many empty spaces

So many places

Some that I might regret

Some that I'm thankful for

Some people that are truly precious

But I hope they have more courage

And I hope I do too

In a colored brigde

With a monochrome end

Where I wish my steps would led me away

Could I have met someone

To paint figures and statues

Once or twice a warm welcome home

you see them better, you appreciate them better, because you're made from colors. you're still a good person.

this is my trying. trying to let you go, let my feelings go.

even I took an airplane just to get away from you, hoping that I could finally be free from this chains that binds me to you one sidedly, but I guess distance means nothing.

"You mean it?"

"No."

"What is it that you want then?"

"I don't know"

"Please tell me how I can help-"

"Don't. Nothing you can do. At this point I just want you to love me too, and I'm asking for the impossible here right?"

"...I can't force it"

"Exactly! I knew all that yet I keep- I'm still- ...I want you so bad I want you so bad to be mine just as cheesy as it sounds, I love you so much I want to pour them all up to you but I can't can I? More like I'm afraid to do that. You'll just take it for granted and not even thinking about it for a second like I do. See how you don't even say anything to hold the conversation, a remark like 'I'll answer you but I need a moment so please wait for a bit', no you don't right? because it doesn't matter.

I'm just one of your burden here, another pile to add your stress. If you're an administrative then I'm just one of that complaint in a stack full of papers on your messy desk which you never even consider to read.

I hate that and I certainly resent you. And me. Why'd you keep this sooo long. I just want this to ge over with But I also don't. I'm such a mess in confusion that I can't even decide on anything.

Please if you want to help me just say that you hate me and that you're tired of me, that way maybe I can finally cut all of this.

"You lost them on purpose or unintentionally?"

"Good question"

"You know, they care about you"

"I don't think so. Maybe it's me who keeps denying it but that's my impression of their actions"

"With that being said?"

"Well, yes I truly care about them. I love them so much and maybe I wouldn't survive till this day without them that much is true. But I keep thinking it's only me who's been so desperate and wanting them and not the other way around"

"You're scared aren't you?"

"Mhm, guess so?"

"But even if you did, reciprocating is not just about feelings there are other things too. I bet they are more than just a word"

"As if I know if they truly care"

"And now you're mad"

"Exactly. Keep telling me that they're unavailable and I want to be that kind of person too. I want to be unavailable when they need me and see what it taste like. I hate always making time for them, as if I don't have anything to do. When actually I just make time for them in the tight schedule. They're that precious to me if you ask me."

"You don't have to dry them all up"

"I can't"

"You can"

"But it's suffocating"

"a sour candy"

"and the reason?"

"because I hate the taste yet I love the lingering feeling"

"you should try mint instead"

"no, I like them better"

the seconds are ticking right after 10

"you know that I..."

"I know. You don't have to say anything."

"can I ask you for something?"

"what is it?"

"be happy,"

"...I'll try"

"for me."

Even with someone you trust you life with,

Someone you hand your heart to,

It will shatter, leaving its stain and stinging pain that comes right after

Only to realize that the closest person you are with are ones who are capable to hurt you the most.

It was a gamble.

To try to open up with someone. To tell them everything of who you are right now. Of what you have become. The pain and the suffering you no longer want to associate with. 

Yet I keep chasing after it, after you.

The gamble was; if I win, the cards of heart I put on the silver platter become whole, if I lose, you throw them away like a piece of garbage.

Here we go.

I don’t want to confuse it with loneliness. Because when I get lonely, the longing for affection becomes the greatest starvation needs. Yet the knocking on my door came exactly on the wrong time;

With you on the other side.

Something blooms.