aslan!

hello!! im new to tumblr and i wanna find people to interact w/ so i’m making an intro!

my name is aslan and i use he/him! im an arab lesbian.

all of my interests are bound to show up on my page at least once in a while; i like to make analysis’ and reading threads of things im currently interested in. i’ll be using this account to post my little writings though

i enjoy interacting with mutuals and would like to do it frequently!! im moving here from twitter and ive never used tumblr so im still learning all the perks but yeah. my tt and twt and more info on me is in this carrd! [ysaliker.carrd.co]

look inside me, through the holes of my body and into my insides even as i push you away and scratch at your arms until you rest underneath the skin of my nails. reach your hand inside me and grab at anything that’s left from whoever has come before you, hold it tenderly, and allow me to reminisce with a visceral wanting of the way it was broken before; allow me to feel that as the only truth there is.

hold gently, as though i am but a precious gem bruited to your tastes; a pained whimper to accompany your efforts at a companion.

i want to feel you, i want to watch as you bite into my skin and feel the pain of you molding into me. until everything of you is mine, until everything of me is yours; leaving an empty space on your bed for someone who is no longer there, though in you.

the need to be consumed and perceived, the need to be left and hurt. i stand amidst your benevolence wishing for pain, despite standing amongst your pain wishing for such kindness all the same.

chew me up, gnaw on one of my bones until it eventually cracks under the pressure of your teeth, and spit it—spit me—out. 

look away and don’t even dare to think about the pain of another meal reassembling itself for you, i know you well enough to know you would not want to see it either way. 

stand by as i mold myself again, unrecognizable and beyond any repair; wait impatiently until i am well enough for you to taste again and leave only the sound of hurriedly tapped steps to dent into me as though i am the floor you touch. 

again and again, you bite on every single piece of me, ripping into organs and veins you once treasured with an expression one could only describe as disgust. and again, and again, you discover a new flaw, something too raw or too cold or just not good enough, and you throw out the mushy mixture onto a tissue you cannot bear to touch again. 

droplets of red stain the spots the soles of my feet once touched, a reminder of all i’ve done following my shadow through every peaceful breath i dare to take.

i love you, so i wait for you to leave; to dampen the grief in my bones with gasoline waiting to be lit. i love you, so i stand quietly as a lost dog with no other home; nowhere to go and no one to have loved. to starve alone, i will pass without a last meal from a late owner.

My lover doesn’t sleep. She rests—if you could even call it that—with her eyes open in our bed, hands splayed over each other like the dead. I know not what she thinks of, but rather the feelings that swim in her beautiful mind, the fear that becomes scathing hatred to roam and fill each corner of her hollow body. 

She loses her vision the next year, sockets too sore to hold her eyeballs any longer; although I stayed. My lover has always been able to take care of herself, even when she wasn’t. She walks around the house with a chilling expression, her black world now free to be molded into any hell she desires. Her feet move slowly and carefully, as if one wrong move will turn the house into a hellfire even worse than her past, roaming through each corridor with such fervor I can tell that, now, there’s not a single piece of her here anymore.

She never leaves our home, but I know that she is gone. I come home from work, another repeating day with the same routine. Taking my time to lock each bolt on every surface of the door, I turn around to see my lover standing in the doorway; so unlike her that I know exactly what is going to happen. She stares into me as if she knows my exact standing and lunges at me before I could do anything to stop it, even if I wanted to. 

i love you as i eat, when i drink, through my words.

i love you and it is written in my fingertips, ingrained and dented into my prints like a birthmark, like a death sentence.

i love you and it touches everything i do, it rots through my pen and lays to sleep on paper, i love like i cannot live with the emptiness.

but, eventually my love will fade, one day it will disappear into the mist of the air as though it never existed, and i will breathe along with it. my suffocations will be insignificant to the world, to the breeze, to the sun and the moon.

i don’t want to love you, i don’t want to want you. but then why are you here? why are you following them again like a dog and pretending as if you aren’t hoping for anything? why are you sitting there and silently crying at the thought of them not wanting you, embarrassment seeping into your bones as you berate yourself for even thinking to believe they could choose you?