La Vita e' Bella

To sum up this past decade in two words would be growth and learning. I started this decade so sure of my path and life took me elsewhere. When I look back on the past 10 years, I can’t believe I survived to be honest. There were some really dark times that I didn’t think I’d get through. I guess Dory was right, you just have to keep swimming, the tide will always turn eventually. For myself, I wrote out a summary of each year. You never know how far you’ve come until you look back on it. 

2010, I was struggling with hardcore depression. Turned out it was a side effect of severe anemia. I’m happy with a proper diagnosis, it got better. 

2011, was the worst year of my life. Just even thinking about it is enough to make me cry. I don’t really talk about it because I hate the attention and questions people ask. It’s hard to know you were friends with someone who could commit such violence. Sometimes it really messes with me. I hope everyone has found some form of peace. 

2012, I landed in a great job and learned about leadership. My job titled in no way encompassed what I did. I worked extremely hard and learned so much. This was a total turning point in my life. I also broke my foot for the second time. Thankfully this time it was just 3 toes.

2013, the best year of the decade. *NSYNC reunited at the VMA’s, that’s all I need to say haha. I saw so many amazing shows, met the Jonas Brothers (even though it was awkward). I’d relive the whole year again if I could. 

2014, I had my first ankle surgery and spent 9 months out of work recovering and was ultimately diagnosed with neuropathy. After a few weeks back, I was laid off with a bunch of great people. 

2015, started a soul-sucking job. It was everything I wasn’t. I got really depressed but worked hard to change the situation and I did the next year. I also fell and nearly broke my foot…again.

2016, I got a job where I work from home and talk to customers on social media. It did wonders for my pain management. I work with some great people. 

2017, broke my foot…again, for the third time. I saw a new surgeon and he determined my heel was 14 degrees off where it’s supposed to be (a normal variation is 4 degrees) and caused me to be more prone to falls. So, I had a heel realignment, bone anchors, and a ligament repair completed. It was a very, very long recovery. 

2018, tied for the worst year of the decade. I started off still recovering from my surgery in a lot of PT. Then the worst imaginable loss of my soul-dog Danny. Part of me died with him. Then we unexpectedly lost Elsie. So many people died that year. It was a true year of loss. 

2019, started still very much grieving. Slowly but surely I started digging myself out of it. I saw some amazing shows this year, fulfilled childhood boy band dreams, and saw the ocean. I also got a promotion I’d been working towards since I started my job. The biggest gift of all was Winnie. This boy stole my heart and repaired a bit of it. He chose Emily to be his mom, but I’m happy spoiling him as a puppy aunt. He’s such a character and he’s brought so much joy back in our lives. 

I lost who I was when Danny died. I’m working to rediscover who I am and what I want. I’m learning to love and be kind to myself. I am harder on myself than anyone ever could be so it’s a daily struggle. I’m in no way where I need to be, but I’m definitely taking steps towards change. A year ago I dreaded what the next year would bring. This year, I’m trying to be open to the experiences and lessons it’ll bring. I’m working hard to make it a good year.