create. destroy. rebuild.

I’ve been trying to do a lot of things…i haven’t done any of them but I’ve been trying to

the line between doing some things as self care vs doing them as depressive apathy is soooo fine, like oh do i wanna sleep all day because i’m tired and i need it or because i’m depressed and trying to escape? same with not going out, canceling plans, isolating yourself, like, ANYTHING comfortable in even a little excess is liable to be one or the other... the line is thin and im a tightrope walker who just joined the circus to get away from the family farm and ive never walked a tightrope before and i am lying in the hay on the ground.

I have so much love and respect for women who are honest about their own loneliness but also find the good in it like when audrey hepburn said “I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel” and when charlotte bronte said “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself” and when jenny slate said “I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that there will always be a ribbon of loneliness running through who I am. But that’s why I want to do comedy, and why I want to connect with people. You can use that ribbon to be a part of a finer tapestry, or you can choke yourself out with it! Your choice!” and when mary oliver said “whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh & exciting - over & over announcing your place in the family of things”