Caduceus Headquarters

…Do you know how a gun barrel tastes? I’d guess not. I hope not.

Back when I was… It was a dark place. I bought that gun. Walther PPK with black finish, manufactured locally, caliber .380. I’m surprised I remember that.

As far as suicide methods go, a small caliber to the brainstem is… you just have to angle it right. To me, it’d have been easy.

It’s… funny. They say women don’t do guns. If they do, they won’t target the head. It’s only natural to want to look beautiful, even in death, isn’t it?

…I won’t say it was a desire to disfigure myself. I doubt that. I could say I didn’t care because I know the post-mortem changes too well, but… it was merely the most practical method. …I couldn’t rely on my dexterity, after all.

Right… I went and I bought the gun. This state doesn’t require a license. I went to the store, and – and the shopkeeper was… helpful, you see. Said it was just right for my hands, not much recoil, easy to use… all that… And I kept smiling. It might look suspicious otherwise, wouldn’t it? I even fired off a magazine at the range. …And, you know, it did feel just right in my hands.

…There was no need to arrange anything. The FBI would check on me soon enough. Then again, Chief would, if I no-call no-showed… I feel bad now, about… almost doing this to him.

I’ll spare you the ruminations, but, at the end of the day, I… put the barrel in my mouth, I did, to this disgusting taste of warm metal and burnt gunpowder, and it feels like I sat there for a good hour, though I know I didn’t, with finger on the trigger guard – it’s funny, I didn’t want my hand to shake and kill me before I was ready, and…

…

…I know I just ended up vomiting. Might have been that taste, or anxiety, or how my disease progressed… but… either way, I remember crying, it was messy enough… I cleaned up and I figured I’d do it later.

…It’s funny. Just imagine the calendar planner. Call Chief about yesterday’s Jane Doe, kill myself, buy apples – ah, right, better switch the last two around.

Still, you know the rest. I brought the handgun to CIFM. For several days, to be precise. I suppose I felt more in control… I genuinely can’t remember why. My memory still fails me once in a while.

I brought the handgun to CIFM, and… it didn’t occur to me not to use it. Letting that scum get away with two murders? Taylor may have been a lowlife, if you ask me, but… he deserves justice.

…That gun was taken into evidence. I didn’t buy another.

It’s funny. The journalists couldn’t invent a more clear-cut case of self-defense if they tried. Naomi Kimishima, medical examiner, poster child for responsible gun owners.

…It isn’t? Well, my sense of humor isn’t for everyone.

Well, the past is in the past. No sense in dwelling on it.