I see the way

When he

tells me a joke; he

Smiles, but struggles to breathe

Tired

Restless

Even in a state of undress

I see when

Your smiled does not reach

I’ll wipe the weary sigh

That tired grin from your cheek

But his laugh

Oh, but what music; yet

Conceals the blue

Of the malady

The siren of grief

He shies away; indeed

It was a cool night,

A nice night,

A regular night.

Suddenly, the wooden walls pulled against each other; followed by the heavy steps of six people, marching in tandem, rifles in hand—a shiv, strapped to each leg.

With the soft sounds of children wailing in the distance getting quieter by the minute, she was ushered into a small room, told to keep low and keep still.

‘Keep quiet.’ he said as he rushed out, gun in hand; his slippers suddenly a grating noise against the cement floor.

Heartbeat out of order, thundering against her chest—it drowned out the sounds of the emergency alarm that rang through the walls, as hardened men leapt into the dangerous arms of battle.

“Oh.” she exclaimed.

“I’m going to die, aren’t I?”

How had it come to this?

How did death come knocking tonight, of all nights?

Oh.

I remember.

I remember now.

It started with a knock on the door.

I stared at the clock on the wall, bathed in moonlight, as its hands found its way to 12 and 3.

‘Tick, tick, tick’, I remember back, fondly; as he sheathed himself in the coils of my tender caress.

Pink, I suppose, would be the shade I’d hidden from him.

Pink from the whimpers.

Pink from his ministrations;

Pink from the ineloquence of breathy sighs, and secretive whispers of wanting, longing.

Impassioned, I wait with bated breath for his next words.

His next appeal.

His next bidding.

The expression of his pleasure.

Imbibing in our lust, he took a lavish sip from the orifice of the fountain of which I had humbly proffered.

Wails, groans, and the evocation of affection, I offered in turn.

And yet, the windows to his soul somehow managed to convey a sense of calm, in the raging storm amidst our ardent desire to drink our fill of each other.

In one breath, I took in the aromatic scent of his perfume—fresh, warm, spicy, yet smoky, with a hint of citrus; woody, with amber, marine, and balsamic.

Dispelled from the fervor of our desire, I knew.

I looked to him in supplication.

My heart on my sleeve. Ready to give, ready to break, ready to grieve.

I stared at the clock on the wall, bathed in moonlight, as its hands found its way to 12 and 3.

‘Tick, tick, tick’, I remember back, fondly; as he sheathed himself in the coils of my tender caress.

Pink, I suppose, would be the shade I’d hidden from him.

Pink from the whimpers.

Pink from his ministrations;

Pink from the ineloquence of breathy sighs, and secretive whispers of wanting, longing.

I cried for more.

Desperate to feel his breath against my skin, his teeth upon my neck—for him to call out my name.

I found his eyes, straining to look at my face—filled with intent, brimming with emotion. Earnestness written on his face.

I took notice of the distant hum of the TV, the tingles in my spine, and the slight breeze that made its way to my unadorned person.

I found my breath.

Greeted by the aromatic scent of his perfume—fresh, warm, spicy, yet smoky, with a hint of citrus; woody, with amber, marine, and balsamic.

“Hi, love.” I sighed, my grin matching my eyes.

I wore my heart on my sleeve. Ready to give, ready to break, ready to grieve.

Dark, cloudy

Unknown

Yet, I also see the sky

Bright, clear

Where stars are homed

You see the same sky

The very one that I

run to, whimper, and sigh

Yet, I wonder why this sky

When I look at, I

Try to bargain with, barter, and bribe

It calls to me, you know

A pretty package

With sparkles, glitter, and a bow

It beckons to me, you know

An inamorato

“Love”, a name it bestowed

Yet, a love unrealized

A love, denied

My love, put aside

Oh, but what is the sky?

Where hopes and dreams belie

Oh, but what tristesse

The ghost of a lover’s caress

But then again,

Broken hearts

You see

Unbeknownst to me, I look for your eyes across the room in a sea of people

Willingly, I fall for your smile and give in to your wiles

I need not be a fortune teller, neither soothsayer, nor a seer to tell me when you are near

I need only my mouth to lift and form a smile to determine your presence

My smile, irreverent

Ever so delighted to feel you close

To hold you in my arms, what joy!

You are the essence of my happiness

A crook, a cranny or a bubbling pool will only have me chuckling like a fool

For I remember only your smile, your laugh

And I promise to keep that in my heart for always

When your demons play with mine, I feel as if everything is just right

Neither evil nor good, just fun and content

Oh how will I pine, my sweet?

For such a loss, unbearable

Your absence, irrevocable

Only for you will I admit my soul’s lament

For when we kiss our last kiss

And when you smile your last smile for me

And when I feel the warmth of your hand for one last time

I will think about your eyes

And your wayward humor

Your kind heart

Your baritone voice

And your amazing character

I will look back at the moments that were outrageous

And the moments of comfortable silence

The moments of easy laughter

And the moments of peace I found in your arms

And I will think of how much I love you

Of how much you love me

And how much the scent of vanilla will remind me of you

And you of me

I'm going to ask you to forgive me In a moment so untimely For I struggle with my words Therefore I communicate poorly I take a deep breath And I hold myself steady Because I think I just broke my heart As if it wasn't broken already I look forward to the time that we could've been wed But the day I said I loved you, was the day I made my bed And now that I realize that I should love me more than you I also have decided to let you go too I have been telling myself to take a breath Because all I can feel is the pain of death As if you'd died and gone to heaven But I swear I'd still love you, even then

What is stopping you?

If you wanted to go in the first place, no expiration of any kind of application for visa would stop you.

If you wanted to go be with your one true love, no matter what kind of bullshit excuse you tell me or tell yourself from trying again, nothing could stop you from giving it another chance.

If your familial life is so shitty that you can’t fucking stand it, then no amount of familial responsibility could stop you from cutting all ties with them.

If you feel so miserable and futureless with me; if I make you feel so depressed, annoyed, or infuriating, no one is stopping you from leaving me.

Go. Run away. Be with the one person that makes you happy. Be with the love of your life.

The only one stopping you is yourself.

Am I wrong?