The Thrill Trill

“Aaaaaaagghhhhhghghgahsghahsgahsgahsghaghaghaghg”

If you’re wondering what that unintelligible statement is, let me elaborate.

I’m four months into my work. I’m a technical engineer for some big shot company here in the Philippines and my oh my, everyone around me is FUCKING THRILLED. Heck, even I was thrilled when I found what I will be getting from it.

The benefits are topnotch. I have my own car. I got cash for gas and the moment I worry about food would probably be the time when the world has turned upside down. I got what everyone will die for a job, really.

It’s stable. It pays well and it’s relatively chiller than other jobs I imagine having. Regardless, a stinging reality I face everyday is the burnout that comes right after. What an irony it is.

I just mentioned how chill my work is. And it is I go to 3-4 jobsites a day then I’m done. At times, I conduct seminars to educate people in construction, show them methodologies and shit, then I’m done. The big question really is where the hell do I get the burnout??

And so my mind goes:

“Aaaaaaagghhhhhghghgahsghahsgahsgahsghaghaghaghg”

I go home exhausted, but not really physically tired. I drag my ass home even if all I did in the day is sit and drive, and walk and talk from time to time. It baffles me how most of my days recently come to this conclusion.

How the tides have changed. The months leading to December have gotten me all pumped up about the things I’ll be learning from my job, the people who I’ll get to meet, the events that I’ll be able to attend. It was always in my mantra to look for certain things that I will do in a week so I’ll stay motivated to do what I’m doing. Right now though, it has suddenly come to a point that all I want to do is lie down and sleep. In a matter of days all of my positive aura has disappeared. December looks like a whole new year entirely.

The things that are happening recently has evoked me into questioning whether I’ve chosen the right career path. Most of my nights now have revolved around thinking my way out of the company, or if not, counting the months left in my contract. And realizing that I’m just 1/15 out of my contract has got my mind going:

“Aaaaaaagghhhhhghghgahsghahsgahsgahsghaghaghaghg”  yet again.

Even when I come home after work and try to do something productive in my freelance, I bring with me the uninspiring grind that has brewed perfectly within the day. Funny how something that I enjoy doing somehow feels like another strain compounding my already anxious self.

But I didn’t write all of this just to rant. My gut tells me that if I write it down, I can talk to myself better. Hopefully I’ll be able to pinpoint the problem soon, and start the year with what I had months before. Hopefully this little note of mine works, yet again.

Ocean Blue, Oh So Blue

She walked the aisle slowly, her parents trailing her and her mind assured.

There were a lot of people there, some I know and some I don't. Regardless, my eyes fixed where, or in this terms who, it should be- on her, in that ocean blue dress. 

I was wearing my tuxedo, clean and smooth as a criminal. I was going to marry the girl of my dreams. 

It was only until I figured that I was looking through a dark room, on a side angle, that I knew something was wrong. And to put the salt in the wound, I glanced upon a man in his own tux, waiting for her at the end of the aisle.

My world crashed. I don’t need fucking Molly shit in my life, LilDicky.

And even if it was a dream, I can feel the colossal heartbreak my subconscious underwent in the past hours or so. The bitterness lingers in my tongue very much like how it felt when I first saw her new boyfriend.

Ahhh my mind plays games with me. Just last night, I was proud of myself that I wasn't even thinking of her that much. I was proud that I wasn't involving myself with the things that she does. I even told Den.

While I'm trying not to construe anything from this, as it should be, I know myself enough to understand that this is gonna fuck me over the next couple of weeks. Fuck, even weeks. I desperately hope not.

And what better timing to receive news from her. She messaged me over facebook about our previous deal. That kinda fucked me up more. Hayyys. 

You better fucking marry some good ass guy, Charmaine.

I was off my mood again today, waking up past 1 PM, the usual. I tried setting up for an early grind by achieving simple tasks, mainly TNB stuff. That’s how I roll most of my days: clear up the easy tasks first to gain momentum for the more complex ones.

Today, it did not work.

I messaged my ex to ask for the payment for the research paper that I made for her. We made a deal previously that she will pay for whatever work I put in to it because we were being professionals. We aren’t lovers anymore.

Thing is, I had to make ends meet for the past few weeks, mainly because my parents are sick. This is the same reason why I’m pushy in having her pay me already. But she doesn’t seem to respect the work that I put in to that. She argued that the price is unreasonable. To me though, it is. And it sucks that she sees it that way because she thinks she did most of her paper.

I edited and proofread the hell out of that paper. It took a lot of time to do it as well. But she never knew that. The only thing she knows is how much grind she exerted for  that paper, and I feel like that she’s invalidating mine.

It’s just a bad feeling, man. 

And so I went on with my day being dragged by that very feeling. I went on to edit Sir Silva’s Keynote speech, and proceeded to making my presentation for my seminar this Wednesday. I was lowkey groggy because 1) I feel down and 2) I feel uninspired.All things changed when three knocks on the door came.

It was Eliza.

What a sight to see. She brought with her two venti sized ice-blended Macha drinks from CBTL, a pair of Krispy Kreme’s and a macaroni spaghetti. She fucking cooked spaghetti for me, man. That just made me feel so good. So fucking good.

We talked and hanged and ate and drank, and it refueled what I thought was a stale day. She made me realize that it feels good to be surprised from time to time. 

Sobrang nauhaw ako sa kasiyahan na kahit parang wala lang sa kanya yung kabaitan na yon, yung pagiging maalalahanin na ganon, napakalaking bagay sa akin. Busog na agad ako.

I’m going to bed with a smile on my face.

Nakakaburyong isipin palagi yung ideya na ‘yon. Hindi ko naman pinipiling isipin, bigla nalang sumusulpot sa isipan ko.

Masaya ako at malungkot akong sabay. Hindi ko alam kung anung damdamin ang uunahin ko. Masaya dahil may taong totoo sa akin, sa lahat ng ginagawa nya, at sa nararamdaman nya para sa akin. Mas masaya akong ganoon din ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.

Sa kabila ng lahat ng ‘yon, malungkot ako dahil hindi ko maiwan ang ideya na may iba na si Charmaine at posibleng huli na nya ‘yon. Samantalang alam ng lahat ang karumal-dumal na karanasan namen sa bawat isa. Napakagulo naming dalawa. At malayong malayo sa relasyon ko ngayon.

Ang tanong ay kung bakit palagi ko parin syang naiiisip? Ganito ba ang sumpa ng tunay na pag-ibig? Ayaw ko siyang isipin. Sinabi ko pa naman sa sarili ko na ngayon, pipiliin ko ang sarili ko, na pipiliin kong sumaya.

Bakit parang hindi ko ata kayang sumaya ng lubusan? Bakit hinihila akong pababa ng mga memorya ko patungkol sa kanya? Bakit parang gusto ko paring lasapin ang pag-ibig nya, kahit gaano kapait?

Masokista ata ako. Putanginang buhay to.

I must say that this was a productive day for me. I was able to finish that horrendous speech Sir Silva asked me to do (I am not complaining. It’s paid in full), and observe Sheina conduct her first ever GSA. I felt better waking up early today (well, earlier than my usual 2pm wake-up time) and so I carried off the momentum until tonight.

After my meeting, I went down to the parking lot and had a smoking sesh with Glenn and Narc. I’ve missed Glenn. He said he was gonna meet Riva today to buy poptix from her because she’s joining the MMC pageant. What a wonderful father figure, that one. 

And so we talked and talked, random as we always are, me facing Glenn and Narc talking to Inca. And as we shifted the conversation regarding giving birth, I random idea popped in my head. It was a vision that has pinched my very core. I envisioned an instagram post by Charmaine, a baby pressed on her cheeks. 

I was shook. It never came to me that in a few years, she may become a mother. It was unclear to me who the father was in that vision, but being a hopeless romantic, I knew it was not my child. His skin was pale like her mom’s, and his eyes still closed.

It took a while before I got back to my senses. I shrugged it off as I had plans tonight with Narc. We went to the coffeeshop and went about our agenda.

Still, I can’t seem to erase the image out of my mind. Her having a baby, and presumably, not mine. Probably with the one she’s dating now.

As for me, I’m gonna try to not dwell on it too much. I’m just gonna go about my business. Universe, help me pass this fucking Thermo Lab class so I can be done with it.

I still think about it sometimes- how it could have been if the universe had drawn it differently. We’re on two different paths right now, and it’s supposed to be that way. 

We’re both dating other people now. It’ just that, there are times, just like this, that it comes back.

The thought of her being with another person haunts me ceaselessly, like how the moon made me feel when I was young. I walked and ran and hid, but its eyes are wide open, staring. 

I’m overthinking again. In fact, I think I’m over-remembering (there is no such word). 

The curse of being a writer is that you’re always keen on the details that you’re not even supposed to remember.

 I’ve told her this before. She contested this many times because I tend to forget the other things she tells me. But that’s just it, I recall the ones that aren’t supposed to be remembered, and the current things, well, I tend to breeze through. She didn’t know before that while she was on her way to being anxious, I already was at that time. So I forget and forget, and my mind was elsewhere.

I just never confessed it. I just never tried telling her because she couldn’t handle me.

I don’t know if my mind needs reworking. I’m writing about a ghost in my past. A ghost I can’t seem to move past through.

I feel somewhat different in the past couple of days. Instead of wallowing in sorrow surrounded by melancholic music, I feel energized to fulfill my responsibilities. Instead of anxiousness, I feel excitement for the things to come in my life.

I guess this is what happens when you confront your problems head on.

I won’t lie, there are still times when I feel down, when my heart sinks and my eyes tear up. But looking back to moments from 1 or 2 weeks ago, I feel slightly less sad. The morose ambience I’ve kept so close at the start of this month is starting to fade. I pray to God it’s a path to a better month, and even better end of the year.

Last night, I finally had the guts to send my application in a Japanese company. While I am not very hopeful with that, I think I proved to myself that I want to be on a journey to success, and I’m braver, bolder, more focused on landing myself in positions where I will flourish.

What’s even more amazing is that I found great support from my friends. Aira gave her concise yet so effective voice of support, saying “I’m always rooting for you”. That gave me chills. Paul G, who I’ve made friends with when I was with Charmaine, proved why we love him. He’s always the best encourager.

I hope that when I look back on these last days of the year, the plot twist that I’ll remember is the wind of positivity that brushed away the cloud of depression that has loomed over me for the greater part of my year. 

Remind me of these moments.

Remind me when my heart aches persistently, chewing on hard truths and avoiding songs that make the heart sing.

Remind me of this time when I wince in pain, my eyes redden and my soul is ripped from my body. Tell me this once more when I go back to my memories of her.

Remind me at these points when I am on my lowest of lows, when crying myself to bed is a bad option, because my dreams are nightmares and my nightmares makes me wish to never sleep again.

Remind me of this time I’m still loving her.

Remind me this when I am out there again, because I will be reminded of how much I can love, of how much sacrifice I can toil for the idea, of how long I can endure.

I think I slept my most sleep ever, yesterday. Now I’m fully awake and ready for this whole day of grind. I feel  lighter and more inclined in the brighter side of things.

In the past few weeks, I’ve had a lot of revelations about myself. I feel a sense of happiness being able to close out chapters in my life. The most surprising fact about it is that I’m willing to do it, unlike most times. You see, I’ve always had a problem in terms of moving on from things.

Just days ago, I had my last hurrah with my ex. It was the exclamation point of what has been a roller coaster of emotions. She’s a happy woman now, gliding in the air and ready to take the world head on. I on the other hand, is striving to do the same. Even after all the things, she still inspires me to be better. And that’s why she’s always gonna be a part of me.

Today, I’ll be convening with my adviser for TNB things, and then meet with my staff for some updates. After that, I’ll be joining my friends in Denise’s birthday celebration. FInally, I’ll be off to the South to join my old gang for a despedida.

Andami kong gagawin today. And I’m pretty happy about it. For a while now, I have not been very positive about my situation. As of the moment however, I only want to be happy and place myself in situations where I could be. 

While all that’s in my mind, I recognize that today, my ex will introduce her new guy to her college friends. This is a great barrier for anyone who wants to be with her. Surprisingly, I don’t feel as much burdened with what’s gonna happen. I’m thinking of it as baby steps towards my goal - to actually let her be happy, to feel happy, even if it’s not with me.

But I digress, today will be a great day indeed! Arias is playing Queen of California by John Mayer while I type. And boy, the lyrics made me feel awesome.

Goodbye cold, goodbye rain Goodbye sorrow, goodbye shame I'm headed out west with my headphones on Boarded a flight with a song in the back of my soul And no one knows

She was every second, every heartbeat, every skip. She was every minute, every moment in anticipation, every time I plunged deep. She was my every hour and every day, every hearty breakfast and every delicious nightcap. She was, and will always be, my 4am.

I will rue every day, every hour, every second and every minute that I am not with her- that I cannot be with her. I will hate every passing moment and think how it must feel being the person who’s loving her and is receiving her love. I will love it all the same, to see her smile that wondrous smile, move and laugh and cry hysterically.

Perhaps Charmaine, in another lifetime. Je t'aimerais jusqu'à la fin de mes jours.

Last time, I broke down while eating bananas. In the morning, when the sun shone brightly and the day was just good as hell.

Tonight, I’m feeling the anxiety kick in while eating my oats. I’m trying to suppress it, and I hope I do. It will be very hard to cry while eating something so nutritious. 

I am now imagining my anxiety as this douchebag who doesn’t know how to pick spots. It’s just so amazing how it destroys even the best of my days. It kicks me in the nuts when I least expect it.

Speaking of inconvenient times, I really want to see my doggo but I can’t go to Charmaine’s. It sucks to be this way, and I will be fucked up if my dog will not recognize me. That would blow me out of proportions.

He’s my child. Our child. A living, breathing, farting symbol of what Charmaine and I had before. But it’s not the reason why I want to see him. I’m not going to hold him like I hold my memories of her, it’s just that I remember how much he made me feel okay when times are rough. His giddy but scaredy-cat type of attitude always assured a smile on my face.

I need every chance to smile right now. I really do.

I had to re-establish myself before writing this down. I had to, or I wouldn’t have the guts or the drive to write down what melancholy I am feeling as of the moment.

I paced myself for things to come, and to no avail. I still broke down once I saw that story. I was expecting it, really, but the pain feels the same way, if not doubled. The anticipation worked against me this time.

When I smoked, i expelled tears just as I expelled the smoke. When I brushed my teeth, the image of her with another person summoned a deep sigh, followed by a breakdown.

Ang rupok ko. Putangina.

It was an innocent post, her facing her new partner. It all looks too familiar, only, I was the person facing her 6 months ago. It sucks that I intended to have this happen to me, but I feel all weak. It’s hitting me hard.

I’m optimistic that this will allow me to take a step back,and for once, think about myself. This is just one of the many I’ll witness with my very eyes. I can feel the bitterness and anxieties I’ll be witnessing for the next couple of months.

Just 2 days ago, i and her engaged in the same ordeal. I felt happy then, being able to sit in front of her and conquer what’s been bothering me all this time. This was to make me numb, to delete whatever hope my heart conjures.

It seems that I have not done that yet, not even close.

Oh how I hate Novembers.

I’ve hated it since the day I found myself lost in track for things that are supposed to be on its axis. 

I’ve hated it when I cried myself dry when I should’ve been moist with happiness. After all, it’s my birth month.

I’ve hated it when I couldn’t see the people that mattered because I was in abroad, how lonely that felt, how heavy it was to the heart.

I’ve hated it before and i hate it now.

Today, on the eve of my birthday, I chose to accept the fact that the person I love the most may fall in love with somebody else. I felt off my axis, cried myself dry. The only difference is that I had the chance to revolve differently. I chose to face that person, and see her eye to eye.

It was the most revealing and daring act I’ve done for the last couple of months. The day itself is nothing special, but the things I felt and the things I found out about are real, and for sure will mark me for the rest of my life. It was memorable in a way that it’s a tragedy, all the while being a romantic comedy out of the books.

Seeing her today did not make her want to get back to her, as opposed to what I’ve expected from me. Instead, I found myself wanting her to be happy just the way she wants to, just the way she is. I took the blows from the realities spewed, and I was wounded, badly. But I’ll take the blows all the same, willingly, again and again if that’s the kind of smile I’ll be getting each time I see her, or each time I imagine her face.

It sucks that her happiness won’t be with me, though I am still hopeful that it would happen at some point in our lives. But as of the moment, I just wish that she’ll exude the same happiness she has today for the rest of her life, even with another guy around.

Today, I chose to spend the eve of my birthday and an important day in my week, with the person I love the most. And it’s all fucking worth it, on my end, even if I had to walk the pain off, smoke out and evaporate the weight that is inside my chest, even if I had to face today, my birthday, with a fake smile.

How easy is it for me to be undisciplined, even if I try my hard not to be. It’s such a bummer for me to not be able to stay on track with things that I want to do. What’s worse is that it would not require me much to do what I want to do and make a habit of. 

You see, I pledged to write everyday. It’s some form of exercise for myself as well as a reflection of what I did or am doing. Seems to me that I’m only good at this when I’m extremely lonely or sad. It sucks to always fail and not develop the habits I want for myself.

This brings back so many memories. When I joined a pageant (SUPRISE!) way back in 2016, I had a rigorous training regimen for my body. I lost a lot of weight and I saw myself having a better physique. I remembered what transpired in those moments, why I did such things. Me and you-know-who fought and broken up (Spoiler: we made up a month after). It pushed me to limits that I didn’t know I can leap off of. I was expecting that the heartbreak would give me the same kind of energy I had from before, now that I and my ex are totally done. 

It seems that this heartbreak is sucking the life out of me when I expected I would respond differently. Bummer.

Next week, I’m expecting an advanced payment for a work I’ll be doing with someone’s thesis. I will use the money to enroll myself to one of em gyms again. Perhaps a new atmosphere can make me inspired again.

Two days ago, one of our friends from the US came back to the country and celebrated with us. She’s grown and I could really see the difference from the year before. She treated us with some cocktails and a lot of food which was awesome. More importantly though, she made Bunso clean our rugged home. 

And I think that’s awesome.

We went about our night, early, playing Exploding Kittens (which is an awesome strategy card game) in the condo. Then after all of us have had our fill, we went out to Central for another round of food plus the drinks. Aleck came, Zara, Anne and essentially all the members of the gang. You can say it’s quite nostalgic. But not really. I don’t know.

Arias and his girl also went. This was totally awesome since I haven’t had the chance to meet her. She was a go with the flow type of person, and she wasn’t that shy as opposed to my first impression of her when she visited our little cave. I saw Arias’ genuine happiness, to be able to finally introduce Inna to this group of friends. How awesome that must’ve felt.

The couple went home earlier so the gang casually drank its way to a 4th and 5th and even a 6th tower. Tampis managed to still go amidst his crazy work schedule. We let him make up for lost time with continuous shots. We went crazy with stories about our escapades, the way we’d always eat out at the Sisigan in Adamson after a late night tussle with Bacardi or Gin. The mood was generally happy. 

Until Arias came back. He called me outside to have a quick smoke, telling me that he just had to tell me something. As I puffed the cigarettes hearing what he had to share to me so importantly, I felt like I’ve just read the worst tragedy in all of literature. I was truthfully sad for him. I was sad that my bestfriend was sad like this.

I never knew plot twists would work against me or the people that surround me. I guess the universe wasn’t as benevolent that night as I expected. 

I have broken my pledge to write everyday. There was no other reason but sheer laziness. I just don’t know why I don’t judge myself right now as much I could.

Perhaps it’s because I felt like I wanted to revel in a victory I got last Sunday. You see, I passed all my subjects. Nay, I aced it. I got a 1.43 QWA and I might be a candidate for full academic scholarship. I say the word “might” because I still have to complete my Thesis 1 defense, although it’s all formality. I’ll have to confer with CSFA by the morrow.

I felt awesome at the time I saw my grades- in shock, even. But it seems that I’m not much of a celebrator of these kinds of wins. I know I should, but it just doesn’t feel as much as I would’ve expected.

One of my friends, Aira, called this as “my rainbow”. I would have wanted to soak that all in. But it’s not all that. Although I think my parents became very proud of what I’ve achieved. That did little to the overall sadness that still looms.

I guess I’m just perpetually sad that even big things to celebrate like this, I do not seem to feel. Mayhaps it’s the reason why I am such in a disposition to not write because I wasn’t feeling what I was supposed to feel, or what I know would feel.

It doesn’t feel right at all.