Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β justβkeep hating him. Β Β keep resenting him. Β Β keep the grudge burning hot enough that it doesnβt have time to cool into something worseβsomething softer.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β longing. Β Β understanding. Β Β regretting. Β Β grieving. Β Β hoping.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β you donβt want to feel those. Β Β the ones that make you weak. Β Β the ones that break you down, Β pull you under, Β leave you raw and exposed. Β Β the ones you didnβt even believe existed in the first place.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β because thatβs the thing, Β isnβt it? Β Β you never thought youβd be the kind of person to feel. Β Β not like this. Β Β not in ways that matter. Β Β you thought you were built differentβyou thought nothing could reach you. Β Β nothing could get under your skin.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β but jaeha did. Β Β and thatβs the fucking problem.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β because nowβnow youβre stuck fighting off the things you swore youβd never feel.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β longing. Β Β means wanting it back. Β Β wanting the ease, Β the friendship, Β the way they never needed explainingβjust looked at you and got it.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β understanding. Β Β means seeing her side. Β Β means acknowledging that maybeβjust maybeβshe didnβt do it to hurt you. Β Β that she simply chose herself.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β regretting. Β Β means knowing you played a part in this. Β Β that you slammed the door before they even had a chance to explain. Β Β that maybeβjust maybeβyou shouldβve fought harder to keep them.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β grieving. Β Β means accepting that itβs gone. Β Β that the passenger seat will always feel emptyβeven when someone else is sitting next to you.Β Β Β that all they could ever be is a stranger whose laugh youβd recognize anywhere.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β hoping. Β Β means you still want something. Β Β means thereβs still some desperate,Β Β pathetic part of you that wants him to fix it.Β Β Β to say he was wrong.Β Β Β to say he never meant to leave you.Β Β Β to come back.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β and thatβthatβs the worst of them all.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β so youβre left with hate. Β Β youβre left with resentment. Β Β youβre left with the grudge that never goes away. Β Β because as long as you have that, Β as long as you hold onto that heat burning under your ribs, Β it means theyβre still here. Β Β it means theyβre not gone yet.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β and you can live with that.
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β hateβs the only thing left keeping jaeha close. Β Β edgar knows it. Β Β leans into it. Β Β lets it do what it does bestβfuel. Β Β if hateβs all theyβve got? Β Β then fine. Β Β heβll keep it burning. Β Β will move. Β Β not around jaehaβright through him. Β Β didnβt need to, Β couldβve grabbed the coffee without so much as a brush, Β but edgar angles his shoulder just right, Β with just enough force to make sure they feel it. Β Β grip on the coffee tightens too, Β knuckles pressing in, Β denting the cardboard just slightly. Β Β annoyed, Β displeased. Β Β wasnβt anything jaeha said. Β Β wasnβt the way she held herself, Β wasnβt her movements. Β Β it was the eyes. Β Β ββthen maybe you shouldβve thought about that three years ago.β