Your Local Alien 🖖🏽👽

It’s difficult to maintain the amount of energy I usually have. So my body goes through these days at a time where I don’t have the motivation or energy to get things done. I will have the ideas, but then continue to distract myself instead of focusing.

The thing that throws me off is that 8/10 days I’m usually high energy, positive, motivated, and determined. That being said, these couple of days with no energy are the crash, so they don’t feel too good. On the other hand, they do force me to rest instead of staying up all night trying to teach myself something new about the YouTube world or research into another business venture that might fit my brand in the future. So these days of rest aren’t all bad, but I don’t like that they hold me back from getting some things done when I planned for them to.

My mother reminds me often that nobody is holding a gun to my said telling me when these things must be done and as long as I’m working on my brand, I’m working towards my future. I love that. She reminds me to slow down and accept these rest days for what my body intends for them to be. She tells me that I’ve always been too hard on myself, but only because I know what I’m capable of when I apply myself wholeheartedly. 

I get excited to talk about the days that are all smiles and productivity. I don’t talk enough about the days that I wish I could get myself to focus. I know whatever I’m working on isn’t going to be as amazing if I rush the process though. I have to let creativity come naturally. 

These days I use to spend with my dog, catch up on all the tv I’ve been waiting to watch, and meditate. My dog always looks sad to me nowadays and I think it’s because everyone has such busy lives in the house that he doesn’t get the same amount of loving as before. I try to take him out on walks or throw the toy around with him, but I have to limit that time when I have the motivation and energy to push out a bunch of content. I try to make him feel like a king whenever I get the chance though...

I don’t watch a lot of tv because most of it is stupid. I keep up with what’s on the Shaderoom to know what’s happening in “celebrity” lives.. not that I care to keep up with them, but it’s usually the topic of discussion around me, so it’s nice to know who and what people are talking about. 

Meditating is difficult. The first thing I have to concur is the feeling of wanting to move around or open my eyes. Then I can focus on clearing my mind completely. I like saying mantras to calm my body, but I would love to learn to quiet my mind altogether. It’s coming, slowly but surely.

Part 1

The first time I got my heart broken, I was a senior in high school. I was in the middle of a mental breakdown that would go on to last months. During this particular episode, I was emotionally numb (which I’ll describe what that was like in another post) and didn’t know how to express that to him. I told him that I, logically, knew I loved him, but didn’t feel it anymore…..in hopes to get him to understand. Instead, he thought that meant I didn’t love him at all and that he did something to make me fall out of love. He was so wrong. But he didn’t tell me this immediately.

The day he broke up with me, I was at Starbucks with my mom. Studying. He sent it through a text message. He told me he didn’t feel like I appreciated him because I didn’t show it. If I could go back & SCREAM TO THE WORLD how much he meant to me, I would. Because I was head over heels in love.

I hadn’t felt any emotion in months. But I felt my heart snap in half.

I ran out to the car to cry in peace. I got my breathe together and finished studying…. In pure agony.

I learned so much about myself after him. I learned that I wasn’t outwardly grateful, so I started verbally reassuring everyone of my gratitude. I tell everyone every chance I get that I appreciate them. I learned that no matter how much you love somebody, that doesn’t mean they have to love you back. That lesson doubled back and I learned not to rush into a rebound relationship (that in turn ruined a great friendship with an amazing guy friend since middle school). The heartbreak taught me that I liked little boys because a man would’ve had the respect for me to have that conversation in person or at the least over the phone. That heartbreak taught me that I used people as crutches. I knew he would always be there for me, until one day he wasn’t anymore. 

That connection taught me love. He had a huge family, while I had a small one. I was so envious of the bond he had with his family. They taught me that I love big families. Our bond taught me that it is okay to allow someone into my weird world. He was truly a great guy. I feel bad that I was never able to be the girlfriend he deserved.... timing was too off.

Losing the boy I thought was the love of my life taught me to get my sh*t together for not only myself, but also for the people around me that I didn’t realize were getting affected.