byoungweb

What Bellamy Has Taught Me...

I know Scandal isn’t done yet, but that day will come (*cries*). Perhaps then I’ll write how much that show has meant to me. For now, I rather focus on Bellamy. And while I have opened up about this before, it’s still something I am working through.

The most beautiful thing i have been taught during this ride is a lesson by Bellamy Young. Even if she didn’t realize it. She taught me to be my own hero. Be kind to myself. Love myself enough that I work towards a healthier me — mentally and physically. It’s a huge and overwhelming lesson that I’m still learning. My stubbornness, which has always been my worst enemy, tries to intervene, but I want to keep fighting.

I spent so many years feeling lost, feeling alone (and I still struggle with that). I felt misunderstood by everyone I had ever met. I felt like I was too much of something or too little of another. I was never enough. I could never just be me and feel loved for it. I always felt I had to change something about me to feel accepted. I can tell you which friendships felt as if there were limits and conditions because it was always deemed that I was “too difficult” or that it was “hard work being my friend” (things that have been said to me from people I considered best friends.) It puts you in a such dark and depressing state. How could I be me when I didn’t even know who ‘me’ was? I was lost within myself.

Bellamy taught me that the only person who needs to love and accept me, first and foremost, is me…and everything else will follow. I’m still working on that, but its hard. Its difficult putting the pieces back together after something has been shattered into a million pieces over the course of a few years. Piece by piece, I’ll be put back together.

As it says in ‘You Will Be Found’ (Dear Evan Hansen) “when you’re broken on the ground, You will be found” — I know i’ll be ‘found’ one day, and when that day comes, I know I’ll owe it to Bellamy Young for helping me get started on a better path for myself.