ꜱᴛᴀʏ ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʟᴀɴᴇ

history.

byan's sexuality has always been overshadowed by their gender identity — it's not as obvious to others because it doesn't get expressed in the clear way their gender does. it has always come second, both when it came to them exploring and coming to understand it, as well as to any hate that was expressed toward them for it. that, of course, isn't to say that they haven't experienced any negativity over their sexuality, just that their gender presentation has always been the bigger, clearer target. even a lot of the homophobia they've experienced has come because of their gender expression.

as most kids in a heteronormative society do, byan spent a lot of their earlier years simply assuming that they were straight. because a lot of their favourite characters in media were girls, and because they would find themself staring at girls a lot, they assumed it was because they liked girls. it was a good while before they came to the realization that a lot of this was actually gender envy— they wanted to be those girls, to wear those cute outfits, to have that long hair.

even before the realization that a lot of their staring at girls had to do with envy, however, byan would find themself fond of boys and girls in their class without really having the context of what a crush was. they wouldn't understand why they'd blush when one of the boys they wanted to be friends with would talk to them or when they'd play with one of the girls' hair. it was the simple, harmless sort of crush that kids get but don't really think much of.

it wouldn't be until closer to their teen years that byan would start coming to further realizations about their orientation. as love and dating became more common topics, as kids in their class would start declaring they had a boyfriend or girlfriend, things would start to make more sense. the warmth they felt when talking to certain classmates would become more easily recognized as crushes, and byan would realize more and more that gender wasn't really a factor in what made them like someone — although they did slowly notice that their crushes were more often on boys than not.

by 13, byan would consider themself to be bisexual, not really understanding the difference between that and pansexual. this would also be the year where they had their very first kiss. it was with a boy at school who was nicer to them than the rest — one who never really stood up for them when they were picked on, but did choose to spend time with them. he wasn't the nicest, but he was nicer and byan was desperate for acceptance and care. things would take a traumatic turn that same day though, as it would turn out that they had been spotted kissing. byan was used to being made fun of, so they were able to shrug it off and just be happy that someone finally liked them. the boy, however, was mortified. when they would walk up to him later to ask if he was okay, he shoved them away and made a scene in the hallway, yelling at them, claiming that they forced him to kiss them even though he was actually the one who'd suggested it. this event would result in broken trust, a broken heart, and even heavier torment from the other students. it would also be the inspiration for many instances of sexual harassment in the future.

(cw for sexual assault while under the influence of drugs here) byan's first sexual experience would come at 14. it was with their foster sister's boyfriend after he found them shooting up in the bathroom in the middle of the night. it wouldn't be the only time it would happen, and it would be some time before byan came to recognize this experience as assault.

spiraling from severe depression and self hatred, byan would start using sex as a way to feel some form of control over their life, as well as another form of self harm. it was always casual, never becoming anything more because they didn't believe they deserved anything more.

by 16 or 17, byan had a proper grasp on their gender identity as well as their preferences, and had become quite comfortable in all of it. this was about the time they would start identifying as pansexual, fully realizing that someone's sex had very little to do with their interest in them.

this, too, would be about the time they would realize they were developing a crush on sol, a friend from school they'd made by persistently hanging around and dragging him along on dumb adventures. this crush would eventually lead to the two dating, then moving in together when they both started college, and eventually result in an engagement in their 20s. sol was byan's first real relationship, the first person they would ever call their boyfriend, and the first person attracted to them who helped them to learn and accept that maybe they did deserve more. that they could truly be loved.

details & tidbits.

byan identifies as pansexual, able to find anyone of any gender attractive, but they have always found themself a bit more attracted to men. this, as someone with a great deal of trauma tied to men and a self-proclaimed cis man hater, is something they've always hated about themself. they honestly wished they leaned more toward women or femmes — but then they may not have ended up with sol, so perhaps things worked out for the better.

because of their anger over being more attracted to men, byan would often hold their crushes against the boys they had them on. they would behave really aggressively toward them, sometimes even getting violent— there was one time, as an example, when they headbutted a boy they were crushing on for making them smile too hard.

on the flip side, byan was always a lot softer and kinder with the girls and other genderqueer and trans people they crushed on.

they broke the nose of the boy who betrayed them after their first kiss. as well as the noses and fingers of many a boy who would harass them or treat them poorly in the future.