avoid careless mistakes

jiyeon’s motorbike was looking a little worse for wear. the little trooper had given all it could give, and choked its very last soot-stained breath, but in the mourning period after its surrender, she was left without transport. being without somewhere to get very quickly anywhere she wanted was painful for someone with such rampant wanderlust, who craved the beach, the hills and the mountains to disrupt the banality of staring at a screen all day. she preferred to go alone, which is why the most solitary vehicle of all, the motorcycle seemed made for her. without it, she was lost, and not in the way she wished to be.

she had wandered for as far as her feet could take her, until it felt like even the thick soles of her boots were wearing thin. she had come out of the main part of the city, and stood on the pavement staring at the flurrying cars which had all the power she didn’t – to go anywhere that wasn’t home. with such little regard for her own safety, and a gun tucked into her waistband, an idea appeared at the back of her mind which would have seemed insane for someone in a stable mental state.

so how do people do this? she stood at the side of the road, with no sign clasped to her chest, and no idea of where she wanted to go. just somewhere. her arm extended with her thumb pointed towards the cloudy sky, she waited patiently. her mind echoed with all of the horror stories she had been told: don’t hitchhike! you never know who you’re getting in a car with! what if they’re a rapist? a murderer? she remembered her teachers and family telling her as a child. it had just been an accepted truth that hitchhiking was not the done thing. but she was too confident, or perhaps she couldn’t see the drawbacks. if there were any real dangers in her opinion, they would have been identified – she never jumped into actions without thinking. a rapist or a murderer? let them try.

jiyeon liked to see other people in pain. this fact summed up an inherently flawed part of her psyche, probably a result of her childhood. she didn’t think about where she had gained this cruel streak, but instead thought more about how she could put it to use without getting caught and arrested. she liked to think that she ruled the streets, putting their citizens in a state of perpetual fear, but that was quite far from the truth, considering most of the time she hid in the background and played with people’s lives behind the safety and anonymity of the world wide web. tonight, however, she was on a quest for a change.

she wasn’t particularly in the mood to cause anyone any physical pain, or in fact any lasting emotional scars. she simply wanted to ruin a few days, and possibly a few mobile phones in the process. so when she had purchased the balloons and filled them with water, and a few with the stickiest, most sugary soda solution she could find in her local convenience store, she had then snuck off to the nearest open rooftop and kept them in a plastic bag ready to dump on unsuspecting bystanders.

her aim was not perfect, but sometimes just seeing the shock on people’s faces when they were narrowly missed by a coca-cola and mentos balloon was good enough. she toyed with the knot on this particular one, determined to get someone properly and cause herself enough laughter to last her the whole day. she licked her fingertip and held it up to the wind in a very serious manner. she swung it from left to right, getting a feel for the weight and shape of the balloon before dropping it and hoping for the best.

ambush. for different people, the word likely provoked thoughts of very different situations. for some of the more physical members of her gang or soldiers in the front line, it would probably create images of violence and bullets. jiyeon, on the other hand, recognised many very different definitions of the word. that night, it had been when someone she never wanted to bump into again in her life had walked into the bar and locked eyes with her. her fingers instinctively tightened as they wrapped around the cool glass, her reflection warped in the surface of the intoxicating liquid. she could see him in the glass of the bottles behind the bar, shoulders still as broad as ever, eyes burning into the back of her head. and it made her heartbeat race with a sprinkle of an emotion she didn’t usually feel: dread.

his footsteps paced the dancefloor behind her, and she shifted on her stool, draining the glass of the very last of the scotch, its warm taste gracing the back of her throat. she knew he was staring – the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end, and she was wondering whether to stay or slip out into the street where she could get away quickly. her analytical mind quickly thought through the consequences of her two options – she could stay, and be in public but have to face him, or get away in the shadows but be alone and vulnerable. her dark eyes scanned the bar looking for anything else that could offer opportunity. they locked on a guy also sat with a drink, and she pulled herself from the stool, striding in his direction.

some nights are good. some nights are bad. they often varied in length and quality of sleep, and even whether she managed to close her eyes around the same time as people with a regular sleep schedule, but jiyeon hadn’t seen many sleep schedules that varied in the way that hers did. it probably had something to do with her rigorous caffeine intake, or maybe that staring at a screen so bright screwed with her eyes until they seemed pinned open, but jiyeon either slept for 12 hours straight, or barely three, becoming a regular zombie the next day.

that was usually never a problem, as on bad nights, she could just close her eyes and roll over, unless there was a meeting that required her presence. when she actually had rigid plans, however, pulling herself out of her bed was both a chore and necessity, and wandering out to catch public transport was one of the jobs she dreaded the most. not only were there other people, there were unpleasant smells and often having to pretend she needed to nap more than she needed to breathe. stepping with a clunk onto the ugly metal floor of the bus, she flashed her transport card at the driver and went to go and take a seat, sliding onto the stained felt with a grimace so obvious it could have scared children.

the seat she had picked had an occupied other half, but it was one of the only free ones on the whole vehicle, and the skinny girl who sat comfortably on the other seat looked less repulsive by far than the chubby businessmen, or students that would take up a seat alone with their backpacks. she stared out of the window, trying to stimulate alert thoughts, but before she knew it, she felt her eyes sluggishly beginning to close.

as much as jiyeon liked to pretend that she was made entirely of mechanical parts, there were times when not even the biggest dollop of delusion could disguise the fact that she was, in reality, human. those times were made very clear when she woke up in the morning feeling like she straight away needed a week-long nap, or when the tug on her eyelids was so strong that making it to the bathroom to vomit felt like a marathon. there’s nothing like a nice bout of sickness to remind you of your fragility, she would think, dashing to the sink to rinse the revolting taste from her tongue.

usually, her tactic was to ‘hold out until it either goes away or death is a sweet relief’ but after a while of coughing, spluttering and trying to ward off imminent nausea, she resolved to go and actually see a doctor. shuffling her boots, the weight of which seemed to have increased tenfold in the past couple of days ago, she dragged her limp limbs towards the doctor’s surgery, where she had reluctantly made an appointment. when she arrived, in her typical fashion, she checked in at the front desk and slumped in a chair in the corner, her arms crossed across her chest and her usual bored and hostile expression making home upon her features.

boredom crept in for the usually active woman, and before a quarter of an hour had passed (fifteen long minutes of reminding herself that doctors were busy professionals with dozens of patients to see), her hand was reaching out to grab the nearest magazine. as dull and outdated as they were, surely just the presence of something to read that wasn’t reminding her to call the office if she needed to cancel her appointment or schedule a regular pap smear would cure the dreariness. obviously, the woman just a few seats down had at the same idea, as when they simultaneously went to take the germy issue, their hands touched and jiyeon almost jolted out of her chair. never one for human contact.

when she preferred to use an ip address that was different than hers, a pc bang with screens that could be easily hidden was the place to go. jiyeon fit in perfectly, her face shielded by the wisps smoke that swirled in the air, the scent of cheap aftershave and instant noodles not unfamiliar to the young girl’s nose. although the majority of the people there that day happened to be much younger than her, and also by a large majority happened to be male, she could see a woman that looked closer to her age on the other side of the room, browsing, or gaming, or whatever.

her headphones placed on her ears to ward off the shouts and jeers of the gaming adolescents that took over the majority of the place, she tried to focus on the task at hand, her nimble fingers rapidly tapping at the keys to try and elicit the reaction she wanted. only when bella heard words so unpleasant, even she, an empress of apathy, could not ignore them, did she remove the headphones and listen a little bit more closely.

“that’s right, bitch, get back in the kitchen,” the ringleader of the high schoolers who had invaded the previously almost empty room bellowed with a cackle at the screen before tapping on his mouse in victory. “fucking girls, man.” “who told them that they could play?” “shouldn’t they be shaving their legs and taking nudes or something?” “it’s not their fault. it’s actually a scientifically proven fact-“ “that they have smaller brains! you heard that too?” “yeah, bro. it’s just how they were made. that’s why they’re the weaker sex.”

oh, if only, jiyeon would reminisce in a manner similar to someone overly dependent on hard drugs, if only they would have controlled these substances, i wouldn’t be quite as addicted. unlike the previous example, who would probably ponder over these thoughts when they were edging towards a dealer in a dodgy part of town, jiyeon would repeat this to herself as she made her way into a familiar coffee shop, the bitter smell of roasting beans wafting around into the warm air and making her feel at home.

to wrap her fingers around the warm cardboard cup and inhale the dark scent of the drink, without no milk and just a little dab of sugar to take off the edge, was a form of sweet relief so pleasant it made her mornings bearable. the rush of caffeine that still coursed through her veins when she drank her second or third cup nearer evening was what kept her eyes flickered open through the moonlight hours. what would the world be without coffee? that particular day, she had just intended to go and buy a cup and head back up to the comforting silence of her apartment.

summer – the noun – the warmest season of the year. at that current point in time, jiyeon’s belief in that rather simple definition was fading, as the temperature had dropped and the breeze had pricked goosebumps on her pale skin, menacing clouds of an ugly grey crawling to eradicate the pearly blue sky. rummaging with bony fingers through her handbag to try and source an umbrella, she was caught off guard when those clouds decided to pour, raindrops so round and bulbous beginning to flow towards the ground.

“ugh,” the girl mumbled, desperately trying to find the umbrella and fend off the droplets as they hailed down upon the running pedestrians. unable to find it among her essentials, and rapidly becoming more and more irritated with how her long hair was becoming sodden with the rainfall, she made a last attempt and before grunting in disgust and ducking into a huge doorway to a grand-looking building to shield herself.

it was only when she had managed to wring some of the downpour out of her hair and collect her thoughts amongst the hurried crowds that were striding so quickly past, that she realised she was not alone in the doorway, and she was in fact sharing the space with somebody else. a grimace instantly wrote itself across her face at the notion of human proximity but she at least made some attempt to twist it into a neutral expression, assuming that was the logical pathway to take when faced with possibly sharing the next twenty minutes or so with the stranger.

“happy birthday, mom,” jiyeon remarked into the motorcycle mirror as she swung her leg over the seat, a tone of sarcasm tinged with regret wrapping itself around the words. the date was not lost on her – crossed on her calendar, there was absolutely no way that she could forget. faintly, she wondered how things were back home. sentimental occasions such as these were the only times that she would allow thoughts of her family to creep in and disturb her work-focused outlook. as she weaved in and out of the busy city traffic, her mind, dangerously, was not focused on the cars coming from many directions, but instead on her mother, and how she was spending her birthday. was her father there? how about her siblings? did her mother wake up that morning with the image of jiyeon’s face? would she ever know?

a solemn, wordless mood had settled heavily on her shoulders by the time she was approaching jongin’s place, the echo of arguments between her parents still rattling in her head, blocking out even the most vibrant of car horns. parking up outside, she sat, facing the passing cars for a moment to collect her thoughts, before her heavy footsteps made their way into the building to find his door.

never thought you’d make it to forty-five, that’s for sure. her knuckles rapidly knocked against the thin wood of his door, an exhale strong enough to cause a moderate hurricane leaving her parted lips. if there was anyone who could return her to her usual, computerised state, it would be jongin and his uplifting personality. crouching down slightly so she was face to face with his letterbox, she opened it so her voice would ring through his rooms, yelling in her normal monotone.

as someone who didn’t have to attend a regular nine-to-five office job, classes, or the like, jiyeon’s sleep schedule and schedule for life in general had the tendency to vary on the nocturnal side. a night owl, she found it easier to just sleep during the day (when all the boring things happened) and roam around when the moon was up instead. that night in particular, she was wandering on her way to her favourite bar, one where the bartenders asked no questions and the beer was cheap and cold.

a racket from the other side of the street caught her attention, long tresses flipping as she turned to see the commotion. two girls, straggling limbs and handbags flailing in the thick summer air, and yells of ‘whore’ and ‘bitch’. jiyeon’s fingertips caressed the barrel of the gun tucked under her loose shirt carefully, as if she was making sure it was still there. a small crowd had formed in an attempt to either egg the ladies on or split them up. public fights tended to happen in this part of town so late at night on a weekend, but that didn’t stop the woman being just as unimpressed every single time. how useless these petty arguments are. there’s not even any blood.

“i can’t believe you slept with him!” “throw some jello on them!”