take the ride

finally got in touch with the trans clinc after playing phone tag for a few days. she gave me a quick overview of the next steps and set up an appointment for me to speak with a social worker over zoom. after that, we could get my psych and MD visit scheduled

the social worker ended up calling me a couple hours after i set up the appointment since she had a conflict and we just did the appointment over the phone it it literally took 5 minutes. she just needed to confirm that i was in a stable situation for post-op care and made sure i understood i need to be in the city for a bit after the surgery (doc told me one week, someone else said 2 and she said 3 so i’m just going with what the doc says lol)

then a nurse reached out to me via the hospital’s painet portal. i need to get blood work before they could get the MD appointment and was going to get it done thru my pcp. nbd

i called my pcp and they said they couldn’t do blood work for another provider (no clue why) so i figured i could get it done through a lab. i told the nurse and asked if she could send the order to a lab but their doc’s can’t do that for people who aren’t yet patients (?) and she said she’d check with her higher ups

i ended up getting a call a few days after this from the hospital to set up my psych and md appointments (first week of September) so i guess i’m all good

it was just a very bizarre hoop i wasn’t expecting to jump through. i was worried that the fuckin blood work would hold up my appointment but it was resolved without too much hassle. it was just frustrating since it was more of that bureaucratic nightmare shit

i’ve also been thinking about getting a scrotoplasty. after the consult i started thinking about it and did a bit of research and i think i’m gonna go for it (still not gonna do the UL and v-ectomy tho)

i had my consult on 6/22 and have been wanting to write about it but i haven’t had a chance to sit and really collect my thoughts since i had to hustle on my move (moved in with my bf, it’s been really wonderful but that’s for another post)

read more for my detailed experience with the consult

last week i was feeling anxious and a bit apprehensive about mt sinai though - i saw a post in the meta subreddit about people’s negative experiences with the admin staff i’ve been in contact with and it was some real horror show stuff about really poor communication/conflicting info on the staff’s end, how difficult it can be to get things schedule, some disrespectful behavior (the surgeon and the medical team seem fine tho) 

my biggest worry from reading the post and comments was being turned away from my appointment because i haven’t seen their social worker or psych prior to the consult- others in the thread seemed to have had to do those things first. just in case i got a letter from my doc and my therapist and i’m gonna print out the email correspondence i’ve had with the hospital (i got a email from a social worker there with a link to an unscheduled vid appointment and i replied to make sure there wasnt a misunderstanding and i never heard back! might have been a mis-sent email but just in case....)

i do feel better about my appointment now though. my therapist used to work at mt sinai so she explained how it is over there (just a large hospital system that’s a spread out bureaucratic nightmare) and gave me a couple of names to reach out to if i need. i feel more prepared going in plus my bf is coming with me and that will help a ton too. plus i feel pretty adept at dealing with difficult people and these convoluted processes. it’s a pain in the ass and i wish it wasn’t this hard but i’m going to be extra observant and note down anything for reference for others

i need to prep some questions to ask at the consult and will post them here after the appointment

there’s nothing wrong with saying “this is a personal thing i don’t discuss” though having been post top for awhile and going out in public without a shirt or in a shirt that shows my scars i’ve never been asked about them. like it’s rude to ask about people’s scars or other visible conditions so only like the stupidest fuckers would ask a stranger about that and a firm “no” is a proper response

with friends i think a variation of the same response is fine and acceptable if you’re stealth or simply don’t want to share that info with someone. especially if you mention boundaries, friends should respect that and not pry

i’m in a bit of a similar spot with how i want to discuss my surgery at work. since i plan on taking extended leave there’s a form i’ll need my doctor to complete and i’m not sure how descriptive it needs to be or how descriptive i want to be!

my bf had a really nice convo with his coworkers about his hysto and they were all  sharing their experiences and giving advice and it sounded very matter of fact and normal. ideally, i would like to be able to just say “i’m getting a hysto and a gender affirming procedure” (ok half truth, i would really want to say “hysto and a sex change”) and that’s that. and like...my boss and my coworker had like an in depth convo about chron’s in front of me so i def know it’s not so much the tmi medical talk than it is it being a trans thing

i know with my top surgery i started a new job like 2 days before my op date and during the interview i said “im getting a surgery, i need time off” and it was all cool, no questions asked at all. this time i’ve been doing a lot more self reflection and thinking on what being trans means to me and how i think about it and how i want to share it with others

like it’s truly moronic thinking! though i guess if you’re exhausting yourself with the mental gymnastics the terf mindset demands it’s not surprising to see something like that spewed out

i’ve seen it said that a big aspect of being trans is the right to fully autonomy over your own body, your own self. like in this world it’s so hard to feel fully autonomous over any decision- like college for example like sure you can go to college for anything but is there a school in your area that offers the program? can you dorm? are you willing to take out a loan? will you settle on something so you can save money at a state school or community college? how does this determine what kind of jobs you can get? is it enough to pay off a loan? do you have to move? sure there’s a “choice” here but the options are severely limited by external circumstances beyond a lot of people’s control

so, i guess what i’m trying to get at, is that transitioning, how ever way that looks for someone, really has the potential to be a fully autonomous act (provided the person has the ways and means and is lives somewhere and is in an ok position to do so) and i think thinking about transitioning is very powerful when you look at it from this perspective

plus what i think also needs to be emphasis is that abortion is just another option for repro care. and like, just with trans health care, repro care needs to be just provided as a given for who needs it like how they need it. like idk abortion and repro care quality and access also being a trans issue is a no brainer! and like it’s also a race issue - like don’t black babies have one of the highest infancy mortality rates in the us?- like speaking about this all as a “woman’s issue” buries the lead on so many related issues.

this all feels like surface level observations and thoughts and there’s a lot to dig into but thinking about this got me think about like how working on my relationship with myself helped me get a lot more comfortable with being trans, that and listening to other people’s stories and just getting out more. but it took a really long time for me to even start working on stuff like this and i was very far into my transition at that point. for me, it’s very easy to brush off terf stuff since like, i feel confident enough in my scruples and what’s what to not be bothered too much by something that’s just flat wrong.

this isn’t to say that this rhetoric doesn’t bother me. people being wrong about something like this bother me! i think terf stuff should bother anyone with a conscious and it bothers me more that pre and early stages transition trans people get like the brunt of the hurt that comes with it. it’s a very vulnerable and personal time even if you have a good support system. idk it’d be nice to see people get excited at transitioning cause they know they’ll be able to get what they need as soon as they need it. like i wish living was something people looked forward too. idk i felt that me and my friends were kinda dreading going from elementary to middle school or from high school to college and then trying to keep our heads above water after.

1. make the decision that i want bottom surgery i’ve thought about bottom surgery for awhile but never seriously considered it until last year. i never had very strong bottom dysphoria or discomfort with my current genitalia, especially after starting t. i also didn’t realize that i can really specify what i want: i think i had the assumption that you needed the full monty, sack to head.

i also had to like get over my own prejudices with bottom surgery and change the way i think about it. for me, it was helpful to think of my genitaila as it’s own thing- it’ll never be cis by it’s very nature which makes me feel good. it’s an example of the physical diversity of humans and it’s pretty cool to be someone with a variation like this.

i think being relatively comfortable with my present genitalia really helped me come to this conclusion as well as exploring my sexuality more thoughtfully and think about what feels good and what i want to do in bed. which gets us to step 2.

2. consider my options: so you basically got the meta and the phallo and those branch off with their own set of options. i looked at a lot of other people’s pics which was very helpful. i think both offer really great results and it’s really just a matter of personal needs from the procedure. Meta makes the most sense for me since i really like my bottom growth and feel like meta will free it up more.

I’m also going to get a mons removal to help further. I’m also going for a simple release with no pee tube lengthening, no vag removal and no scrote (too lazy to look up how to spell the medical term). I have no desire to stand to piss , i like using my vagina for sex, and i also don’t want balls since i like how things are currently set up down there. i could also do all of this with phallo which is cool, even keep my clit or get one post-meta, but i don’t feel a need for a meatier member and the trade off of a longer process, more surgeries and the possibility of scaring are also some of the reasons i don’t want a phallo.

 i guess the main takeaway here is that you can really keep what you want with either surgery, it’s more deciding how you want the penis part to look. (i have read that doing a meta with UL and no vag removal can lead to more severe complications during healing and that many surgeons will not do bottom surgery if you want the UL without removing the hole so if UL and keeping your hole are very important i would look into other’s experience getting this done and things to ask when doing surgical consultations).

3. i started looking at my options for surgeons. i live close enough to NYC and can access the hospitals that offer bottom surgery (there’s several options in the city) so that’s where i looked. right now i’m working with Dr. Purohit at mount sinai. their website has a lot of useful info and details the steps you need to take to get started. i reached out to Dr. Purohit’s directly via email and asked him if he’d be able to do a simple meta with hysto at the same time ( he can) and if someone can help with insurance. he got me in touch with one of his staff members, Sam, to work on that. So far, my emails have been responded to in a reasonable timeframe. I set up my consultation with Sam and she forwarded my info to the insurance team. I saw a recent post on a trans subreddit from someone who went with Dr Purohit and he mentioned that scheduling can be a hassle and that Sam was all over the place. I spoke with her once so far but she was easy to talk to and nice. From what i gathered, it just sounds like she is very busy and hospital systems are another bureaucratic nightmare so i think it’s less the people and more the system. i’ll make updates once i get further along in the process

I also looked at my insurance policy. since i live in new york state, all insurance companies based in the state must provide gender affirming care. i checked to see if any surgeon who offered bottom surgery was in my network and there was not. i reached out to my insurance company for what they’d need from me and the dr’s office to get it covered and they need a prior authorization request from Dr Purohit’s office submitted. the insurance will review and approve it. if the dr was in network, i wouldn’t need to do this step (i went with the damn hmo plan at work, this is what you get for being cheap!)

The hospital requires that you don’t smoke like 6 months prior to the surgery and they will test for nicotine. they said the nicotine can hinder recovery. they also require you to have a bmi that’s 30 or under and, at this time, they’re following covid precautions and are requiring testing a few days before your surgery date and i believe they want to to be vaccinated if you’re able to be

I also need a letter from a therapist or social worker who’s worked with me and a letter from a mental health practitioner i’ve never worked with that say i’m a True Transsexual (ha). I’ve been seeing my therapist for about a year and she said she can do my letter np and refer me to another practitioner for the other letter so i’m covered. I did something similar for top surgery to get that covered so i know what to expect. If you know you want surgery at some point, its a good idea to start working with a therapist as soon as you can so you can if your insurance has a similar requirement

i’m really happy and fortunate that my insurance company will cover the procedure but the requirements are the most frustrating part to me. it’s important for insurance to cover trans health care but these diagnostic and approval criteria need to go and trans health needs should be cared for like any other health care need. like my insurance didn’t need a freakin letter from my psych to prove i really needed my wisdom teeth removed and my dr didn’t need to see anything from my therapist to prescribe me zoloft. it just makes it that much harder for trans people to get what they need. having a trans inclusive single-payer health care system would save so many people a lot of pain, time and money. i really hope we can get there

4. and the first waiting game begins. my consult isn’t til june 22 and the surgery date would be 6-8 months from now. i think the insurance stuff will be taken care of pretty quick and without too much hassle and i think it’s good to get it taken care of asap. the hospital also needs me to meet with a social worker who will help prep me for what i need leading up to and after the surgery and i’ll need a psychical and a gyno exam.

other than that i’ve started a light exercise regimen to gain some strength in preparation for the surgery. i’ve also made some minor alterations to my diet, mainly just watching stuff with added sugar. i’d like to be a bit more fit before the procedure and since i’ve got a while to go i figure this is a good way to feel like something is happening while i’m waiting. i wish i had done more exercise before top surgery to help with recovery

i’ve also been on tumblr for like...12? years? though i haven’t been active for awhile. i basically started my transition on tumblr- i had a blog where i’d make really pathetic text posts under read more tags and post like “2 months on t” pics and get way too into personal details about my life. i got rid of the blogs that stuff was on but i kinda wish i kept some of it as like a journal. which is why i’m makin a brand new tumblr! i’m in the very first steps of getting a metoidioplasty!

I really wanna document the process, my experience and just keep a journal of what this is gonna be like. i think it’s important to keep a record of something like this, i think it’s something of value anyone can do. i really liked those fuckin like historical girl diary books? like the “’my sorrow knows no bounds’: a depression era diary” books. anyway, i think you learn a lot about the past thru a first hand account like a journal, like how shit really felt from day-to-day life.

i felt tumblr is the best place to do writings like these too, and a lot easier for me to keep up with than like a paper journal. i also like the cycle of it all, talking about such a late stage transition thing on a webiste where i talked about my very early stage transition but like this time i feel in such a much better place and be much more cognizant of what i’m sharing about myself and why cause like i want this to be a jounral but also a detailed account of how to go about getting bottom surgery. it’s oversharing with boundaries!

main caveat here: this process will be really influenced by a whole bunch of factors so the info i want to share might apply to a small number of folks. i do want to note down some basic facts about myself and my situation so it’s clear where i’m coming from and how that lead me to where i am and what i’m able to access

I’m 28, started to transition around 17. had, for the most part, supportive parents that helped me get what i needed (was able to get on t as soon as i turned 18, my pops paid for my name change, had health insurance, new name and pronouns went reasonably well with them) was born in california and always lived in states and cities where i had access to gender affirming care. i’m white and present pretty masculine/binary and, for a lack of a better term, am “cis passing”. i’ve had my share of negative/bad/uncomfortable experience with trans stuff but i feel fortunate that i’ve had a by all accounts easy time transitioning. i have a good therapist and am doing well in therapy and making really good progress. i am also on low dosages of zoloft and adderall to help with clinical depression and anxiety, and moderate adhd. i’m able to easily access the adderall and didn’t have much trouble getting my prescription like some folks do. i have a BA degree which made me eligible for my current job. I have a decent salary, good benefits and ample sick and vacation time. i also live in new york state where gender affirming care is required to be covered by insurance companies based in the state and gender identity is covered under the state’s human rights law

i want to say all those things cause they’re privileges and circumstances that mean i can get a meta- like i can get the time off paid, i have the means to travel into nyc for consults and the surgery, pay for lodging and food and really most important of it all a really supportive partner to help me with all of this. my living situation vastly improved a couple of years ago and i’m better equipped mentally to dedicate time to prepping and healing from the surgery

i’m really excited to do this! and document it, i hope it can help a couple of people out. i’ll make a few more posts about how i came to the decision and what i’m looking to get done along with the steps i took to get insurance approval and scheduling, the paperwork of it all lol