Cute as a Button

Okay, so there’s this app called “Couple” in the app store. ((I think it may have been called “Pair” as well, but I’ve got the AT&T version.)) Let me tell you about this cute little motherfucking app.

Okay, so you have this icon

Not all that impressive, but still cute nonetheless.

Then you open it up, get yourself and your adorable-as-fuck significant other registered with an email and password. You get “paired” and have this little facebook chat sort of thing that only the two of you are able to see.

Oh, hey, and what’s this little thing?

Yeah. There’s this button you can press to gently tell your S.O. that they’re on your mind without having to say much more. How fucking cute is that?

Alright, so you’ve got a wall you two can share. Now there are other little features too such as a place you can draw on the same screen damn near to real-time.

And then you can take that shitty little drawing you created together and post it up on that wall so neither of you will forget how crappy phone screens are to draw with, but damn if that isn’t cute.

Lastly, you have the thumb kiss. Now this feature is unique because no matter where you are in the world, you can use this app and know that you’re both doing the same stupid thing and giggling like an idiot all the while. With a thumb kiss, you press your finger to the screen and your S.O.’s will show up once they do the same.

Then once they get close and/or touching, the screen changes a little

And after a second of touching, the screen turns red and vibrates to signify your “kiss.”

Calling myself mommy Petting his head Rubbing his bottom Changing his diapers Giving him rules Telling him he can’t use the potty Public diaper checks Telling him it’s time to nurse Talking baby talk to him Watching cartoons Giving him a baba Putting his pacifier in his mouth Being silly with him/playing with him Giving him raspberries on his tummy and nibbling his thigh Telling him he’s too little to do things Wiping his face for him Cutting his food and feeding him Taking him to the park Letting him play with toys Dressing him especially in cute clothes Snuggling with him

I’ve used all of these excuses and they have worked

Playdoh: “Molding it helps me stop picking my nails”

Sippie: My friends kid/my niece/ my nephew/ I babysit

Stuffie: It’s my favorite animal ok.

Paci: My friends kid/ my niece/ my nephew/ I babysit

Onsie: Halloween costume

Note: I’ve only had to use the one for Playdoh so far… 

Playdoh: 

“It’s good for stress. I saw an article online.” (Like a stressball, and it really is recommended for stress; they sometimes keep some on hand in counseling offices)

Sippie: 

if less obviously for babies/toddlers - “I spill my drinks a lot” or I don’t want to spill my drink on my paperwork.” because it’s practical and it’s for very important adult things (taxes, bills, other workstuff) 

if really obviously for babies toddlers - “I think the cup part is a cute pencilholder” or “I keep it as a container for…” examples of contents: coins, earphones, spare cash or emergency cash/cards/documents (people are less likely to steal a sippie than a wallet)

Stuffie: 

“It’s cute” “It’s for decoration” “It’s to use as a pillow” “It’s a gift for someone’s birthday/ an S.O. / a child /a pet (as a toy)” “I collect novelty (or vintage) plushies as a hobby”

Paci:

small baby or toddler pacifier - Typically no explanation needed, but if pressed… “I wanted to use part of it to make something else (ex: design part for decorating something, handle for replacing the handle on some other small thing)” 

adult pacifier - again “I wanted to use part of it for something else” “I was curious if it was a real thing” “I meant to buy a baby pacifier but I clicked the wrong link / isn’t how I expected it to be online (can say you kept it because you found the situation funny)” “it was recommended by a dentist for grinding teeth in my sleep / an article online for snoring (or for sleep apnea) and I figured it was worth trying” costume piece, “I’m a Melanie Martinez/ other baby themed music fan (bootleg band merch / homemade fan representation)”

Onesie:

“I was gunna use it as a bathingsuit/romper” “it’s comfortable for wearing as pajamas in the summer” “I thought it would be funny” “I wanted to learn how to sew one, and the baby ones are too small for me to make a pattern from” “It’s a gag gift”

Coloring books:

Usually no excuse needed, as they’re popular now; but for children’s coloring books… “I bought it for a kid and they didn’t want it so I don’t want it to go to waste” “I want to practice coloring lineart” “I think the drawings are pretty, and I like to look at them / use them as black and white posters” “I wanted to use the designs to screen print some shirts”

And if all else fails:

“IT’S FOR MY ART” (method acting, stage props/costumes, cosplay, sculpting, writing, reference for drawing)

-You are now a body pillow

-You are also a giant rice bag (Accept your fate)

-You’re most likely sleeping with a star fish

-Prepare for cold toes against your back at 2 a.m

-Grabby hands!!!

-Entire adult sized child wrapped around your bicep

-Possible drool

-Yes you need to cuddle us

-Don’t be afraid to roll onto us and squish us, a lot of us like the close contact

-Yes we need more than one stuffie in bed with us

-No 13 blankets is not enough

-Expect us to practically mold onto you

-Yes we are clingy even in our sleep

-If we are having bad dreams don’t be afraid to wake us up