United

bro its beddy-bye. its nighty-night, dude

“ARE YOU READY TO ROCK??” the hyped-up rock singer shouts at the wild crowd. suddenly everyone goes silent. one lone soul from near the back shouts back “no, we arent.” everyone else murmurs in agreement. the concert is over.

um waitress?? i ordered cocaine but all i got was this soft drink?? ?

pretty sure my soulmate is a bag of sour gummy worms

I just ate a whole bag of those, no joke

u piece of fucking shit that was the love of my life

this is it. this is the worst post.

i regret telling a coworker i was vegetarian because now a year later theyre vegan and they live in portland and every single day they post a video on facebook of them like running up to a truck full of cows and crying and apologizing to them

who’s papa john

I just realized that I commented on the wrong post.

single and ready for a pringle 

that woman you just called fat? it’s the moon. that boy you just called ugly? it’s a bike. that woman you called anorexic? that’s a lamppost. the man you called gay for kissing his boyfriend? its a woman. you need glasses.

The police pull my lifeless body from a lake but I’m wearing the funniest hat they’ve ever seen and they can’t stop laughing and keep dropping me back into the water

I wonder what kind of loot I’ll drop when I die

Disturbing My Afternoon Nap

im sorry sir

Put Me Back Of Sleep