Hev a gut day 🦋

This summer has been more than awful. My girlfriend’s nana hates me because I stand up for my girlfriend and so I’ve been excluded from nearly every family outing because apparently “everyone is uncomfortable” around me. Girlfriend also nearly lost her life in a horrible car accident and I feel a terrible amount of guilt because she was on the way to my house. I’ve reached a point where I realize there is nothing I can do or say to her family to get them to understand me and I feel so hopeless and alone. Menial tasks just feel like they take forever to do and like the world is spinning a thousand times slower. Even though it didn’t happen to me I get reminded in the middle of the day that my Bella could have died and I realize that I don’t know how I would be able to live after that. My eating has been getting worse after a long time of making efforts to be better about it, and the quiet voice in the back of my head that suggests that I should take a lethal amount of medication gets louder by the day. I can’t handle this. I know my family cares about me but I still feel like I’m drowning. I feel like shit. I look even worse. At times like this I wish I could look to my mom and ask her to hold me in her arms. But then i realize that the reason I stopped talking to her at all was because she didn’t have the time for me to begin with. My dad is always distracted with some other thing and caring for my infuriatingly stupid and uncaring sister and my stepmom has her own hyperactive child that she has to devote her time to. Most of the time Bella is the only one I can turn to but it’s unfair to burden her with all of my feelings considering the highly traumatic life she lives. It seems like everything I say or do gets misinterpreted as me being a bitch or ungrateful when in reality I am just capable of mistakes. Music, which used to be a helpful coping mechanism, doesn’t sound the same anymore, like someone took the soul of the thing and wrung it dry. I’m realizing that life is only going to get harder from here and because I’m too much of a pussy to hurt myself or end my life (and because there are people I have to be alive for) I’m just going to have to fake it until I make it. I’m gonna try to get better but I know it will take time. I love you Bella