father's angel

f/20 5'10

sw: 80, cw: 76, gw:70, ugw: 60

asks open, dms for closer people

welcome to my blog. i like to be called lottie. id like to use this blog almost as a diary.

♱ mdni, this blog contains sensitive content including controversial and hardcore sexual themes, tw for 3d.

♱ i love all things ethereal, a little creepy and just pretty to look at.

♱ if you like ethel cain, lana del rey, cocteau twins or hole - let's be friends!

if your blog contains anything about what the "proper girl" should be like (such as hairless, petite, watching her figure, obedient, etc.), or messages about how women are inferior to you, pathetic, and only good for fucking, dont reach out to me. i am not interested. i do not trust you.

thankfully now i have the few friends that became my friends in high school, i cant even remember how. but my first year of university has passed and i havent made a single friend. not a single one.

im afraid of talking to people, reaching out to them, introducing myself. i dont really trust strangers. i want to be able to chat up the girl next to me in class, tell her shes got a cute shirt. but i just cant.

why am i incapable of being normal? as a little kid i was deemed odd and strange, i couldnt find a person to be my friend. in high school i went for months without talking, i completely shut myself off. now that im a little older, i have my beloved friends, whom i can be outgoing and silly with, however deep inside, no matter what i do, theres a constant sadness which i cant get rid of.

all of adolescence ive looked for happiness in men, ones that are older, that will have power and control over me. and to an extent maybe it works. but now im starting to realize not even a loving man can repair whats been broken. i can get everything i desire, and i wont be happy anyway.

why wont the kiss of a prince wake me up from my slumber, why am i still paralyzed by my own chaotic brain and my own daydreams and thoughts.

and im starting not mind as much. i enjoy talking to myself and my stuffed animals, writing down how i feel, spending my days in bed, sometimes doing a few chores that i must tend to. otherwise it will be.. quiet.

i imagined at 20 i would go to many different countries, many different concerts, festivals, go on trips. instead ill be burrowed in bed, like always, through winter, spring, summer to fall. i even got off almost all social media, only isolating myself further.