Butch to the Bone

Welcome to my blog!

I have recently come out as a Butch trans masc person. Hello 👋🏾 I am Black and 26 years old. I am disabled, I love to sing, I wanna get back into drag, I like to draw.

So...uh. hero forge of my Big beautiful 9ft tall oc who is inspired by the aesthetics of Warhammer 40k. (If anyone wants to get me into Warhammer 40k, please hmu✨)

I want to be handsome, desired, loved and cherished more than sexualized. I never understood why I was so adverse to it till now but I think it's because (not to be too personal) I was sexualized at an age that I was barely able to understand "sexiness".

People flirt with me but they never wanted to talk to me about life or my interests or hobbies. They just loved the idea of me and what they could do to me. But when they found out that I was talkative and weird I was no longer desirable.

I was also considered more "desirable" when I looked and acted like a girl. But the minute I stopped, I was no longer attractive to anyone. I have never been authentic to myself till now.

Any progress is considered "woke" by the ruling class. Anything that goes against their perception of how society should be is going to be beaten down and I see too many queer people crabs in a barreling each other as if that's not literally what they want.

Our relationships with each and ourselves are supposed to be complex and personal. We may have labels that are difficult to understand or contradictory labels or strange pronouns or strange presentation but the idea that we should concede to hetero and cis normative standards isn't going to help us.

How much of yourself are you willing to hide or sacrifice before it's enough? What about those of us that can't hide? What are we to do? I am not talking about people who hide parts of themselves for safety reasons. I mean queers who actively push this idea of conformity and being "one of the good ones" to appeal to homophobes because they want to dissociate themselves with the "weird dyed hair and pronouns people" ya know?

So I have done drag before, I like it but I want to go back to being a drag king. Firstly, they are very underrepresented but also I felt more attractive and comfortable as a king. Femininity already feels like a performance but it wasn't a fun performance for me. It was like being cast in a role you didn't ask for nor audition for.

When I drifted to more "feminine" drag I tried to make myself as unappealing as possible to look at but this didn't happen when I was a drag king. I genuinely wanted to look charming or handsome. I created fun pun-themed looks based on my earrings. It was silly but endearing and I miss it. I think about that a lot.

Like do any other butches put on a frilly bra and a skirt just to feel it for once but it doesn't feel right? Like it's a costume and in terms of drag, it was a costume but it felt even more costumey than normal. Like the party city of gender presentation. Eeeyuck! Lol

Jokes aside, I think the main reason I felt so uncomfortable about it was that it didn't feel natural at all. It felt like hiding in a costume within a costume and I think I hid it well in photos and videos but I think it's time to step into who I am.