As the last of the hope dies, im feeling vulnerable, so let's talk. Where have i been all these years? Why did i disappear? The answer is - im suicidal. I have been since before middle school, but it has not been getting better. There is no such thing as getting diagnosis or medication or help where i live. So i have no idea what is wrong, neither physically nor psychologically. For a while seeing people happy because of my craft made it bearable. But it's hard to keep going where days on the calendar change, but nothing around you does. You just keep going, one hour at the time, one minute at the time. Just keep going, just don't stop. For a half of a decade at this point, we've been living in terror. Just pure fear, every day. Every hour. Just one hour at the time, one minute at the time.
Some people will speak of hope, of sticking together. But i have no such words left in me. I have no clue why i keep going. Is it duty towards other people? Is it hope? Is it some biological instinct? All i know is just to keep going. One breath at a time. Will there be a tomorrow? I have learned to not make long term plans while still a child. There is no need for plans. Or thoughts, or hope. There is no need for them or maybe there is none left at all. Just breathing. One breath after the other. No reason needed.
