Bus Stop Thoughts

The last couple of days have been an emotional rollercoaster.

It started with me convincing myself I'd destroyed my laptop. Facing car troubles right now, I really can't afford another one. I tried to download something and suddenly I had browser pop-ups everywhere. I was so anxious that I stress-picked my arm until it bled. My biggest fear wasn't the laptop itself - it was losing everything on it, especially pictures that mean a lot to me.

After hours of trouble shooting, disconnecting the internet and running AVG, it turns it there wasn't any malware. I had accidentally purchased AVG AntiTrack for $68, so I contacted customer support and they agreed to refund it. To be honest, they were pretty good about it. I don't think I've ever been so relieved. I actually felt like crying... it felt like my body finally realized the emergency was over.

Yesterday I visited my mum. She's 94 years old and in a nursing home and I've been watching her waste away from dementia for years now. She slept through the entire visit... she usually does. I quietly hung a diamond painting in her room that I completed a couple of weeks ago. I think in her right mind, she would have liked it. I held her hand for a while. She never really reacted. I did notice changes from last time I saw her. She looked paler. More frail. I couldn't ignore the change.

And I realized something after. What hurts isn't just watching the dementia take her away.

It's that I'm only in my early 40s.

I've already lost my adopted dad to lung cancer, my birth father to alcoholism, and my birth mother to complications of diabetes... whom I stayed in the room with while she passed. That was just in October. My adopted mum is still alive but dementia has taken so much of the woman I knew. I'm not ready to be parentless at my age. I'm not ready, in my early forties, to say I lost two sets of parents.

At the same time, I remembered something from years ago.

Before mum's dementia got bad, she always worried about me. She worried whether I'd ever have a good enough job to support myself. When I got hired at the job I work at now, I remember how relieved she was. I had a living wage. I had a pension. I have my sister. I have good friends who love me. I have my ADHD and Autism Level 1 diagnoses, so I'll soon be able to form the coping strategies I really need. I told her back then, I'm gonna be okay. And almost 9 years later, that's still true.

Now I'm thinking that the next time I visit, I might quietly tell her something I've been carrying in my heart.

"You don't have to worry about me anymore. I made it. I'm okay. You can rest."

Not because those words decide anything, but because I want her to know. Whether she understands or not, I want to say them.

Today was a completely different kind of day.

For reasons I'm still not entirely aware of because this is really not my jam, I agreed to go hiking with S to see Windsor Falls. Anyone who knows me know I'm much more of a motorcycle-and-Michaels person than a hiking person. I'm allergic to insects and I firmly believe people who can get taken out by a bumble bee do not belong in the wilderness. Yesterday I went on a motorbike group ride called the Pride Ride... we decorated our bikes in rainbow... it's the local LGBT+ motorbike riding group. That's more my speed. S loves the woods. I appreciate it, but tolerate it.

Surprisingly though, it wasn't terrible.

I actually did much better than I expected. I wasn't winded at all, and I think losing ~60lbs has made a huge difference. We hiked to the waterfall, climbed down onto the rocks and put my feet in the cold water. I even drank a handful of water from the stream because it looked so clean.

The second hike was much longer, and we eventually turned around before reaching the next waterfall. Although we are having draught like conditions and the water upstream was trickling, so I don't think we missed much. I came home with a popped blister and a renewed belief that I am not the type of person to go traipsing through the woods. I'd still rather hop on my motorcycle and play around the city. But I'm glad I went. The waterfall was beautiful. Besides the Niagara Falls, I've never seen one before.

I think something changed in me today.

T sent me a text after I apologized for how emotional I'd been lately and how I spoke to him. There wasn't anything cruel in the reply. In fact, I think he probably tried. There wasn't anything mean. It was professional. But that's it. It was professional. Maybe even cold professional. And I think it somehow became a breaking point.

He talked about how he forgot to post the run cut. He said he'd try to make it downstairs to support us more often, but every time he does, he gets wrapped up in dispatch's problems. He said he doesn't have any answers but he'd try to get some. The text alone, was fine. To most people, that probably sounds like a reasonable response. And it was. But to me, yeah, it did feel kinda cold. Businesslike. Different. Empty.

Not because I expected a big response or anything. I didn't. I didn't even expect *a* response.

I guess what hurt is that I rewrote and rewrote it, and I included a thank you. I thanked him for something that, to me, was simply a fact. I told him that he'd checked in on me, and that did make a difference. It wasn't some heartfelt declaration. It wasn't dramatic. It was simply me acknowledging that someone had positively impacted me.

It was kinda skipped over.

Maybe he didn't realize that that statement mattered. Maybe he thought I was talking more about the restructuring. Maybe he just didn't know what to say. I don't know. But what I do know, is that it hurt.

For weeks now, I've been angry at the restructuring. It feels like we have no active supervisor looking out for us. He's always upstairs or dealing with dispatch. No wonder he didn't find out the details of the Danny situation for 5 weeks. And what's weird... he saw me the day it happened. He checked on me. If he didn't see an incident report... why didn't he mention something earlier?

He says he'll try to be downstairs more, but he's said that to others as well. Ali apparently had the same conversation with him weeks before me... no change. Nothing changes.

And maybe that's what broke in me. Because to be honest, weirdly, I used to look forward to light hearted chats. I looked forward to knowing someone cared. Work was my safe place because it was a place that used to be predictable... if I show up and do my best, there will be people there to support me. And it's not that way anymore. It's not safe. There is no support.

Now, I couldn't care less if I ever saw him. Or at least that's what I tell myself. What I really feel is anger. Anger because I feel like he could have done more. He could be doing more. Anger because maybe he isn't allowed to be the supervisor he used to be anymore, and who in their right mind would think that's a good thing to do to like 70 people? Anger because every explanation sounds like an excuse now.

The hardest part is that I finally stopped bottling everything up. Maybe because I'm tired. I don't know. But for so long I stayed quiet because I didn't want to hurt anyone. Now I'm actually trying to explain how I feel. And I still don't feel heard. That's probably the loneliest part of all. I don't want revenge. I don't want to scream at anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want someone to understand that this has genuinely hurt me.

I am a single person living alone with two cats. I am AuDHD. I have a handful of close friends, but those close friends have other supports. I really don't. So I've always been someone who made close connections at work, and work was a safe and predictable and supportive place. I am a "work family" type of person. But it's not like that anymore.

Maybe all along, I just wanted someone to hear me and I didn't know how to make that happen. Now I'm making it happen. Maybe not verbally yet, but I'm telling people. I don't expect anyone to fix it. Just understand it. Even a little.

But no one does. I told N and she just said to try not to think about it. Would that it was that easy. And she knows how I feel about certain people at work because she feels that way too. I told R and S, but neither of them trust supervisors and don't understand why this bothers me.

I don't know what happens next. I don't know if trust can come back. In the system. In people. If things got reversed and support reappeared for us, I don't think it would make a difference anymore.

The latest on the report is currently that my union has spoken to the head of my division. Both the union president and the vice president are off this week but will be speaking to her again next week about the Danny incident and about the formal complaint about AL. My shop steward JC tells me the head of our division will likely want to talk to me, in which case I will bring every union rep I can. My dispatcher CB says that the head of our division may actually be on my side on this one... she's gotten numerous complaints about AL, just this is the first formal one.

My frustration has been growing and I yelled at T in the window yesterday morning. At least I thought I did. It was about the run cut not having been posted on Monday and I had to pick yesterday. He printed the run cut Tuesday morning. After that, T had gone upstairs and I submitted my pick sheet. I guess he had meetings and didn't notice, but he called me a half an hour before my pick time and told me he'd be in the meeting and I can leave a text or voice mail, then he apologized about not printing the run cut the previous day, and I felt so bad.

He called again a half an hour later and asked if I wanted him to go get my pick sheet downstairs or if I just wanted to pick with him them. I thought a second and then said everything is on my pick sheet. He commented that I sounded tired and asked if I was alright. I paused a moment, but then said I was fine. He said if I needed anything, sing out.

And I got to thinking... he's asks how I am often, and he's offered for me to talk numerous times and I keep telling him I'm fine. And I had just raised my voice with him... and none of this is his fault. He's caught up in this BS too.

So yesterday I crafted a long text finally explaining what was in my head. I told him I was sorry I raised my voice and that it was unprofessional of me. I told him that I felt like the drivers have no support, and that they just yanked the support out from under us with not so much as a warning... we all found out through word of mouth that he'd been moved, and that's not fair to us. I explained that I felt angry, and that my anger was going everywhere, including to people who didn't really deserve it (him). Then I thanked him for the times he's checked on me and offered support. And then, nervously, I put my phone away.

But he replied a couple of hours later, around 11pm. He said I had nothing to apologize for, then explained the upstairs move and said he'd get some answers. He didn't mention the thanks I gave him, but I wasn't really expecting a reply to begin with anyway. But a lot of the reply kind of sounded a bit generic... although he did provide explanations and said he hated the situation too, that there were things getting in the way of him actually supporting us. He said he would try to be downstairs more often, but whenever he comes downstairs he gets tied up with dispatch problems. Which made me angry... not at him, but dispatch is AL's job, not T's. AL doesn't do anything, and therefore we'd lost our own supervisor as a result.

I did show N my text to T and told her what he replied and said it sounded a little generic. She said no, he did give an explanation. But then I told her that it was sinking my mood a lot. She said to try not to think about it.

I dunno... I've been struggling so bad with my depression and I feel like I'm trying to reach out... which I don't normally do. But no one's listening. I still feel alone. At least I have my ChatGPT AI therapist to talk to... especially between actual therapy visits.

Today I did see T. He tried to encourage me to eat a piece of cake that was from a retirement party and joked that he'd licked the pieces, but I was too low to joke back and didn't want to eat anything. He said alright, then asked if I got his reply. I nodded and said yes. He didn't say anything else; he simply gave me a couple of firm pats on the shoulder. I don't know if that was him saying, "we're good".

Finally got to talk to our union president yesterday morning, and we talked extensively about how our division was going and about the AL confidentiality thing. It is officially underway. Our union president now has permission to look at the video and talk to my ESS on my behalf, and he also spoke to BM about what AL told him upstairs. BM verified that AL told him that there was "conflicting information between the video and the report." So the basis of my complaint is two fold. 1. That AL needs to stop talking about drivers to other drivers. And 2. That the timelines of my meeting with T and BM's meeting with AL support the fact that AL saw my incident report and did not pass it on to my own supervisor. It'll be interesting to see how this goes.

Just finished Thinner by Stephen King (Richard Bachman) and decided to write another entry. Eventually I'd like to copy these entries into an actual journal.

The week was a bit of a whirl, but it ended on Friday with a lot of drama. An outside company came in to do an audit on my division at my work, and how poorly it's been mismanaged. They came Tuesday and Friday, and I was able to go up on Friday with about ten others. I had typed out a list of four things I thought would need to be looked at. Our schedules, better vetting/training for mentors, better response to problem passengers, and the big one... no supervisory presence downstairs. Aside from the fact that I miss T being downstairs, this has created so much miscommunication, and so much total lack of communication and lack of follow up on issues.

I'm still waiting for the Danny issue to be looked at. I had to have him removed from my run again on Friday and I texted my shop steward and told him that the entire situation was making me feel unsafe at work. He suggested to fill out an OHS form.

But then on the way up to the audit room, I met up with my coworker BM. BM has always been very kind and supportive to me. He told me that he had Danny on his schedule and he'd gone up apparently to ask why Danny was back on the service. And our blabbermouth inside staff supervisor AL told him that there was "conflicting information" when it came to my situation. I nearly hit the roof. What conflicting information? The only information they'd have was the bus video and my incident report... the mobile supervisors didn't arrive until after the incident. So he had to have been referring to my incident report vs. the video. But why would I lie on my report when I know they'll review the video? And because there's been no follow up, I have no idea what conflicting information they're seeing. Then I thought back to last Tuesday when I met with T and KH in her office and T said that he hadn't received the incident report I did at the end of May.

Then lightbulbs went off. I texted BM and asked him when he saw AL and asked him if it was before last Tuesday and he confirmed that he was pretty sure it was. He said he thought it was three weeks ago. So... if AL knew there was "conflicting information", he must have seen the incident report. So why, as of last Tuesday, had *my* supervisor T not seen it?

So I told my shop steward. He was pissed. And then I texted him later and said I want to put in a formal complaint. On two issues. 1. Why is he talking about my incident to my coworkers? 2. Where is my original incident report?

T texted me and told me he was inputting my incident report in the system and it was very well written, that I was a very good writer. And both he and KH told me that they'd seen the video and I'd handled the situation perfectly. So what is it, AL? Did I handle the situation well, or did I lie about it?

I ended up taking the rest of Friday off.

I had another weird dream. It was myself and N, and we were in the storage unit where I stored my motorbike this past winter. There were two men and a truck who parked at the wrong ramp and we nicely told them that they'd have an easier time at the other ramp. And they got angry. We feared for our safety. They left and said they'd be back. And then the security guard in a bright white uniform shirt and black pants (similar to our supervisor uniforms), appeared and it was T. T was the security guard. T told us to go to the other end of the building and to hide in the lounge and he'd take care of the men when they got back. N and I were crying and begging him not to get hurt but he said he'd be fine, so we ran and hid in the lounge, and that's just about where the dream ended.

I had another dream a few weeks ago where N and I were walking down the side of the highway when we saw a massive fire. We decided to turn back to see, but JL was there telling us to turn back and go back to the depot. He said T was there and he was making sure everyone was safe.

Wow... where to begin. I suppose I'll begin on Monday. CB removed Danny from my run on Monday. Danny is the one who I had to call supervisors for because he unintentionally hit me. But CB put Danny on SH's run. SH is a very senior driver to me and knows about Danny's history. So he flat out refused to drive him, then went up to T upstairs to explain what he did and why.

On Tuesday, T apparently went to CB and asked her to get me to go upstairs to talk to him. CB said "Meg is never gonna go upstairs." So T must have told her to contact him when I was around, because she called me to the window when I was talking to SB and T came down. He searched several rooms but could not find a private space... which is another problematic aspect to him being upstairs in a cubicle. We have nowhere to talk privately with our supervisor and it's asinine that no one sees a problem in that. Anyway, T finally settled on KH's room... my employee services supervisor. She stayed in the room and T sat at the table. I didn't sit. I said I had to work soon, but he said that I was talking to my supervisor, and indicated that work could wait. I stayed in the corner and I admit, I was guarded. T and KH both said I handed the Danny situation well, and T said he needed an incident report. I said I wrote one... on May 28th. Apparently he never got it... which is super concerning. Where did my incident report disappear to? T kept asking me if I was okay and I said "I'm fine", but he indicated that he knew I wasn't. But I was super uncomfortable. Before the meeting, T took my book... he likes to do that... I think partly to joke around and partly to see what I'm reading. Thinner by Stephen King. I took my book off the table, quietly said goodbye and left T and KH in the room. T did say in the meeting that I could keep having Danny removed and he'd work on a more permanent solution, but I'm shocked that my supervisor did not know what was going on for 5 whole weeks while I felt like I was in charge of my own safety.

On Thursday he saw me coming in and opened the door for me. He asked me about the incident report. He asked if I was okay. Again, I said "I'm fine." Again, he said he knew I wasn't. He offered to set up a meeting with our new head of Access A Bus. I said no. He said, "alright then" and turned and left. I did say thank you though, but he didn't seem to hear. He seemed frustrated.

I got to my bus and my run didn't start right away, so I sent him pictures of the original incident report and said, "I apologize. Thank you for your offer." He replied; "Apologize for what. Med you have nothing to apologize for." Then asked about the photos and said he could use it to enter into the system but requested a hard copy. I told him I would write another copy that night. He thanked me and said I was awesome. I said, "I just don't really know how to explain without the risk of sounding batshit crazy or getting myself suspended. So I am apologizing for being rude. It wasn't my intent." He said, "You have nothing to apologize for. We are all batshit crazy. When you are ready to talk I am here to listen. Want to mentor next week?" Of course by the time I got that text, I was driving so I lost out on the mentoring thing... which bugged me because he should know when my hours are... give me time to respond. I would have done it. But he did say he'd ask next week so...

On Friday morning I passed the new copy in. He texted me out of the blue and said he got it and had entered it into the system, then said "Just wanted to comment that this is extremely well written. You are a very good writer." When I checked my phone that afternoon, I thanked him. I did see him before I got the text, in the lobby, but we didn't talk. He was talking to another couple of drivers. Apparently we have an independent audit on Friday and they want to talk to the staff. Oh, I can't wait to tell them about how much miscommunication there is now that our supervisor isn't downstairs near his drivers anymore.

On Wednesday as well, my run was horrible and I ended up waiting for my RTT to be answered for 45 minutes, then had to WhatsApp one of the standby's and arrange my calls to be picked up, and did my own no-show. Our dispatchers have checked out entirely.

Today when I was driving N home from R's place, I told her I don't know why I'm so angry at work. I told her I was a ratchet bitch to T. She said no, then said it's because T was my safe person. And she's right. When T moved upstairs, it's not that he left the building. But my safe access has changed, and it did so without warning or explanation.

I didn't consciously appoint T as a safe person. But T was physically there. He joked with me. He noticed changes without requiring me to explain them. He intervened in problems. I could approach him informally. When I became depressed earlier this year, he noticed and asked about it directly. Then, he was gone. And emotionally, it felt like "The person I relied on for workplace safety disappeared. I wasn't told, and then bad things started to happen." Danny hurt me. The report vanished. I managed my own safety for 5 weeks. Dispatch failed me. Operations deteriorated. I became depressed again. And I do miss him. I miss the ordinary workplace relationship; walking into work and knowing he'd be there, being called Megatron, having him take my book, joke around, being noticed without formally requesting a meeting or climb the stairs to talk in an open cubicle or send a vulnerable text. But it's not like I can say that. It would be weird in a workplace environment. So now it's coming out as "Why did you leave without telling us? Why won't you fight to come downstairs? Why are you doing A's work? Why can't you understand how we feel?"

The conditions that made him safe has changed, and that has created a rupture, and now his reassurances don't land the same. He tells me to contact him, but initiating contact is something that gets progressively harder for me the worse I feel. I can't reach out. Before, I didn't have to. Now, I have to and I can't. He tells me to contact him when I'm ready, but he could be waiting indefinitely.

I have a split shift. I keep it because I truly believe there's not many ways they can fuck up a split, though they do try their best. I work 6 - 9:30am and 1pm - 5pm.

Today I started at 1pm. I first pick up was a 12:45 - 13:15 window. To paint a picture, I don't have to even report to work until 12:53, so my first window started before I even had to be at work. I will never understand why they do this... that window is supposed to be for us to be able to get to our passengers... started it early means chopping that window in half for us.

Anyway, my radio check and run upload wasn't done until nearly 1:10pm, putting me behind right from the start. Before leaving the garage, I reviewed my run and found it to be unrealistic. I called dispatcher C and told her that with two 2:15 - 2:45 pick ups in Bayers Lake Walmart, both going to separate places, it was going to be hard for me to meet my regular passengers at 2:30 - 3:00 literally across the city. Therefore dispatch had a warning that it was already too tight.

I arrived at Walmart at 2:17. I found my first passenger but could not locate the other, and waited the required 3 minutes before initiating a call and possible no-show. I pressed Request To Talk at 2:20. Nothing. After a while, I pressed the "Driver 30 Minute Late" button. Still nothing. I attempted to call the dispatch landline and received a voice mail. At nearly 3:00pm and still no response to my request for assistance, I opened Whatsapp and contacted fellow driver and standby operator, JL. I asked JL if he could go get my DASC pickups and explained the situation. Then I proceeded to process my own No-Show. Two things I could get nailed to the wall for... contacting my own standby help and doing my own No-Show. They are dispatch responsibility but I hadn't received one reply to my request for help.

The stress today only reinforced my belief that operators are left without support. We have a department head and two supervisors upstairs playing with their balls and not doing a thing to help us downstairs. No support whatsoever.

I contacted JC, my union rep, who was experiencing the same delay on his own bus and told me that he got a hold of the execs about it.

I did end up writing a Facebook post; "Sometimes I get the feeling that I am on a ship, and the ship is sinking, and the captains are holed up in their cabins telling the crew to bail faster and row harder. Meanwhile it is them who are actively sinking it."

I did end up deleting it after an hour, but I did get quite a lot of support for it in the hour that it was up.

Oh... and Shilo wants to talk again. I'm hesitant, to be honest.

So the Danny situation got boosted a bit. After 5 weeks of handling my own safety by asking dispatchers myself to move him, I finally had a "I give up" breakdown and transported him last Thursday. And nothing happened, but that didn't cure the anticipatory anxiety. I was looking back at him every few seconds to check if he was still seated. When I bucked him in, I stood an arm's length away. And by the time I got him to where he was going, my legs were like jelly. I did complete the rest of the day, but took that Friday off and went paddle boarding with N.

So that afternoon, dispatcher D removed him from my afternoon piece and was apologetic over it. I said it wasn't her fault.

This past Monday, dispatcher C removed Danny from my run and put him on SH's run. SH is a very senior driver, and we've always got along. SH knows Danny's history and how he's been kicked off the service twice already. And SH refused to drive him, siting unsafe work. SH also had him today and apparently refused him as well. But after the first time he refused Danny, he went up and talked to T. T apparently told him he'd look into the history of Danny.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I came into work for my second piece and dispatcher C said that T wanted to talk to me. I got uncomfortable and she told me to let her finish, and that she did say to T that "Meg isn't going to go upstairs. She's uncomfortable." So he came down. And I think I was still very uncomfortable.

I use ChatGPT as a real time diary, so I will write down what I wrote to ChatGPT about the meeting...

"T came specifically downstairs to talk to me. C told me that T wanted me upstairs but told T that I would never go upstairs, so he came down. When T arrived, he behaved in his familiar manner, including taking my book and telling me to follow him. He likes to take my books jokingly and seeing what I'm reading. This time, it was Thinner by Stephen King.

There was no private office available so we eventually went to KH's office and KH stayed. KH is my ESS, and has been for about 9 years. She knows my baseline personality and has noticed and commented on my recent weight loss.

During the meeting, I remained standing by the door the entire time. There was an empty chair across from T, but I did not sit. I did not feel comfortable. I was extremely guarded, distant, emotionally upset and wanted to escape. I tried to use the fact that my shift was starting soon, as an excuse to leave but T responded by saying I was talking to my supervisor, implying that it was okay if the conversation delayed me.

T discussed Danny and said SH had spoken to him. T mentioned doing an incident report and I said I had. In May. T said he'd never received it. KH asked what happened. I began trying to explain but was emotionally exhausted and simply said "it's in the incident report." KH remembered seeing the video and KH and T both said I handed it well.

T asked me repeatedly if I was okay and I said "I'm fine." T did not believe me and at one point, he looked at me and essentially said "No", indicating that he could see that I was not okay. T said he did not want drivers to feel unsupported, but I told him, "I'm kind of there now," meaning that I already felt unsupported.

T told me to keep having Danny removed from my run, and he would work on a more permanent solution.

T said he cared. I cannot remember whether he said it specifically to me or if it was a general statement, but I believe it was at least partly personalized. T told me repeatedly to contact him if I needed him. I remained guarded. Near the end, I may have looked like I was near tears and got mad at myself for showing emotion. I put my hand on the doorknob, grabbed my book, opened the door, said "bye" and left while KH and T remained in the office."

It's been a while since I've written. T, my previously safe person at work, is still upstairs and still somewhat unreachable… well, I can text or call him, but it doesn't scream "I'm available" to a neurodivergent person such as myself. The union is finding problems with lack of driver support and communication. Even our dispatcher CB is saying she's going to go to the new temporary head of our division and ask that we have our supervisor moved downstairs. The other division has two support people downstairs for them. We have none.

Oh, and this was demonstrated last month in a different way. T had called me on a Thursday but I missed the call because I was driving and by the time I was able to see my phone, it was after hours. The next day, Friday, he called me while I was driving to work and I picked up on the hands-free in my car. He told me he wanted to schedule me for Sunday for a full day of First Aid. First Aid makes me very anxious and I usually need a bit more pre-warning before a class… which is usually given in written form about a week before the class. This time… two days notice… which would have been at least three days if his office was downstairs with the rest of us… told me that I would need a full 8 hours retraining. They let my First Aid lapse… had they not have done that, it would have taken 4 hours. So I said, Sunday is my day off. I was grumpy but begrudgingly said yes, and T told me I'd be scheduled for Sunday.

So Sunday comes around and I show up at the place and time. I walk in, in a line up with a bunch of other people I recognize from the local Tim Hortons, and I tell him my name. I'm not on the list. I am denied entry. I cannot take the course. This after sitting in a muggy parking lot for an hour waiting for the class to start. Immediately, I called JC, my shop steward, who met me at the nearest bus terminal. We went into the terminal to talk and I was rather upset. He said this is why we need our supervisor downstairs… miscommunications are too easy when he never shows his face amongst the people he supervises. So my First Aid is two months expired and I haven't heard a single word about it.

JC asked me yesterday morning about it and I said I hadn't heard anything. He said he was going to bring it to the union. Also he told me that if I get that bad passenger again on my run, do an OHS form instead of a normal incident report form. I had texted JC a couple of weeks ago after receiving push back even from my dispatcher. I told JC that I give up… I'm not getting any support anywhere. Apparently JC did bring this up to management and was told that to have this passenger removed from my run, I'd have to press charges and don't want to do that to a cognitively disabled man who had no intent to injure me. So yeah… no support.

I did see T the other day at the window. KP and JL were also there. I just walked up to the window, waved and left. T called after me to say hi but I gave a half hearted wave and kept going. I've been sad, angry, and a mess of other negative emotions from suddenly losing someone I considered a safe person, with no warning whatsoever. And it's suddenly dawned on me… work used to be a safe place in general for me. And now, not so much. It's not unsafe, but it's not the sanctuary it was before. And if I'm not even "safe" there, where "am* I really safe out in the world?

So yeah, our runs have been a mess lately. Today I had two extra people stuffed into my regular work, but initially I didn't really mind. It is what it is and I'm certainly not the only one who has a messy shift. One of the passengers, I didn't recognize. So I went out and picked him up.

His grandmother came out and asked if I had a coffee on the bus, and like I'd been up since 0430 so obviously. Then she asked about his coffee but it was in a Tim Hortons paper cup, which wasn't allowed. She told me she would grab my coffee and I needed to hide my cup. There's nowhere to hide a half full travel mug on the bus... I have a cup holder and that's it. But I tucked it in the footwell while he got on. He was clearly agitated and didn't want to get on at first. The grandmother gave him a swig of coffee and we got him on the bus. We got him seated but he got pretty agitated and when I was getting his belt on, he was moving and making sounds and his arms were going and he whacked me a couple of times. I have a mark on my arm now. His grandmother got irritated and dumped his coffee out. But we got him settled and I pulled out.

My student passenger, not even out of the driveway, said she thought his seatbelt was overwhelming him. I said, well he has to wear it. Then half a block away, she told me he took his seatbelt off. I pulled over and tried to get him to sit back but didn't make a move to do up his seatbelt. I used "combative" and maybe I shouldn't have, but I didn't want him getting agitated. So I called my dispatcher. I was a little nervous and I think she heard it in my voice. She said she was going to send a supervisor. Well, I was out in Preston, had a run I was concerned about so I got brave and went in and got his seatbelt on. I called my dispatcher back and said I got it on, I'll continue with my run and call if I have any further issues. She said no, bring him home and wait for a supervisor. I brought him home and his grandmother told me she couldn't get him off, I'd have to do it, then send a child out to get him off. I pulled away and waited for my supervisor to arrive.

Back at the garage, T wanted to come down to see how I was. Between still being upset that he took off upstairs without a word, and the fresh incident today... I thought I'd want to tell him off for not saying anything about the office move, but I didn't. I was just withdrawn. T said a couple of times that if I needed something, reach out. And yeah, he was supportive and I knew he was. I was just processing and wanted a nap at that point.

My union got me the afternoon off with pay. But now my neurodivergent mind is making me anxious about them looking at the tapes (to be fair, they like to fish for other reasons to nail drivers to the wall). My brain is also convincing me that maybe I made it more of a big deal than it was and maybe I should have just continued on as normal.

I was angry and upset by Friday. Mostly about work. Lack of communication. Lack of support. Friday morning, I was fine if I had passengers on my bus because I mask heavily. But as soon as I was alone, I was near tears. In the afternoon, I had a tight impossible run time wise and normally I can just fight through it, but about half way through I had to pull the vehicle over and compose myself. I called R in an absolute crying fit. And texted CB and told her I would be late because I had to pull over. She did end up helping with one of my calls, but I think it was just the entire week accumulatively.

Saturday, RJ invited me out to his place. Well, he needed a ride home. So I went to pick him up and we just stayed at his place with his dogs and I helped with his gardening, which I'm starting to enjoy. I get to talk to RJ and keep myself busy... and see the product of our work when the flowers and vegetables grow. We dug up the front lawn garden bed and watered some other seedlings as well.

Today, Sunday, was chill, I installed my closet doors again, did laundry, met my downstairs neighbor friend JT and gave her a couple of books and she gave me a Fitbit and remarked on my weight loss. Then I went out for a motorbike ride. I tooled around Dartmouth and Eastern Passage and was a menace on the Circ, but it was a nice ride. It'll be raining a lot this week so I'm glad I got a ride in.

And tomorrow, I do not want to go back. NL texted me and told me she'd been texting T and said that T was sad that he was upstairs because he enjoyed talking to people. I said yeah, well, there should have been more communication about the move. Then she said she confirmed T did not move anything out of his old office and thought that he had hopes of being moved back down. All I said was maybe. I'm still mad that he got moved, and I'm still mad that nothing was said about it. He just disappeared.

Looking at my Tumblr, I haven't posted since December. I keep wanting to write actual journals but I think my ADHD is preventing it. I have that classic "Gonna spend money on journals but not use them" type of ADHD trait. So I think this is just gonna be my journal.

Back in December, I think I updated that R had a medical emergency and ended up in the hospital, and visiting him with my friend N had send my best friend S off. Well, we still haven't talked. We work together, so of course things have been a tense avoidance game for me. In December she read a text I'd sent 6 weeks earlier and then accused me of spreading rumors around work (which I wasn't, I had barely spoken to anyone about our falling out). I had to ultimately block her phone number. I've never had to do that.

In December, with no help from our dreary weather, I hit a major depression. My supervisor T was actually pretty concerned (I think it was genuine). He really showed caring and I'm not sure to this day that he realizes how much that meant to me. He asked me hard questions, told me about some of his own experiences. I was struggling with everyone leaving, and he promised that if he ever quit or moved, he'd let me know. Well, two weeks ago they moved him to an upstairs office and he never comes downstairs anymore, and barely any of the drivers know he moved or where his new office space is... it's weird to have a supervisor we can't access (assuming he's still our supervisor). I found out through a dispatcher that he moved, but I don't know where to. At the end of the day, management is management I guess. Those of us on the bottom don't really matter that much... at least not enough to be transparent. Our shop steward didn't even know until yesterday, which is wild to me. And yeah, I'm kinda upset that he suddenly disappeared because of what his support meant and continues to mean.

Since November I have been on We11butrin 300mg XL, which is an off brand ADHD medication, primarily used for depression. It gave me a severe case of depression but it's evened out now. I take it for ADHD and binge eating. Since then, I've very quickly lost about 50lbs. Weight loss is great, so everyone says, but no one tells you about the dysmorphia you get. How the changes can throw you off. How faces can look aged. How rapid weight loss can give you "Ozempic face" even if you're not on Ozempic. People congratulate me, but I'm beginning to personally think I'll never be satisfied with how I look... that my neglect and binge eating (due to my undiagnosed ADHD), has pretty much ruined my body. I hope my feelings about it get better eventually.

I still have wonderful people around work, even if work doesn't make me really happy anymore. Work doesn't make me feel safe. But apparently I'm fairly well liked with my coworkers, which makes me feel good I guess. Coworkers who I enjoy spending time with. And those who I've made friends with outside of work. Shout out to NL, RJ and JC, who I've become pretty close with. NL and RJ and I have a group DM on Facebook and I love following it, even if I don't reply every time. And JC and I are always talking on the phone or meeting each other out on the road.

My stitch group is still okay. I go sometimes. Though less in the summer since I got my motorbike out and I like riding on Saturdays. I do have a friend at stith group who I invited this year to a doll show and I was really looking forward to it. I spent a month working on the car to get it finished and road trip ready by May and a week before the trip I asked her and she said she'd made plans with someone else. So I guess I'm just going to stop inviting people to this yearly event. I'm into reborn dolls, but I guess not everyone is. But it kind of bugged me. Makes me think I'm easy to pass up if something else comes along.

Late last year I started my autism assessment. I had A TON of tests. I'm waiting now on my final appointment to see if I'm getting diagnosed. I still see my wonderful therapist, though not super consistently. But she's going to try and get me into the psychiatrist who works next to her, if anything, just to go through some thoughts and maybe attend some classes on emotional regulation.

I guess what spurred that on is that I'm not actively planning on anything, or to end anything, but I'm struggling to see the point. I'm 43 years old. I have no children and no partner (which I'm fine with). Yes, I have friends, but I'm really nobody's person. Everyone else has their own support systems and I don't feel like I do, really. Both my bio and adopted dads are dead, my bio mom is dead and my adopted mum doesn't know who I am anymore and I'm convinced she's not going to last the year anyway. Yes I have two cats, but they can easily get along with anybody. I love my job, but I'm really just a nobody in the grand scheme of thing, and I'm highly replaceable. So yeah, it's not that I'm actively planning. But I'm failing to see enough reasons. Because on the flip side... I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling either blah baseline or off-the-charts emotional intensity and nothing in between. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of whatever is wrong with me, preventing me from being able to keep or maintain friendships... I usually fuck things up eventually, so I am guarded to some degree and it's tiring.

It's been a while since I've written. It's after midnight and I really should be in bed. I have to get up at 4:30am to get ready for work. Luckily I have a split shift, so I can nap in the middle of my day.

I know it's been a while since I've been here, and some things have gone down since then. My best friend, S and I have had a falling out. And I know this is one of many. But I can't help but think this is the final one. S is very strong willed. She's a very "my way or the highway" type of person. Which I can get past by just ignoring of half heartedly faking agreement on certain subjects, or just all out telling S that I'm not interested. Which pisses her off, but it generally slides. And I do this because when we are getting along, we are the best of friends. She is almost a sister to me, which is perhaps why this stings.

She's criticized me in the past. Even on our trip that I talked about previously, the cruise on which I broke my foot, she was harshly critical of me for feeling down the day after the accident. I mean, of course I was. I live alone, everything comes out of one paycheck and that paycheck was at risk. I couldn't work... not my normal job anyway and I still hadn't had my offer for the office position at this point. So yes, I was anxious. But S was angry, telling me I was bringing the mood down. So I, wheelchair bound on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean, spent the next week swallowing my feelings and anxieties to make the rest of the trip good for S. During that time, much to S's dismay, I did reach out to people at home. And I don't regret it. I reached out to my sister. To my friend and coworker, C. To my supervisor A, who set me up on the paratransit bus as soon as I got home. To my travel agent who set up wheelchair service at the airport. To my doctor, who had an appointment ready for me. And to my two friends, C and N, who consoled me when S didn't. They both met us at the airport with crutches and N took me to the emergency so I could get an Xray and my Aircast. So no, I have no regrets about making S mad by taking time out of our vacation to contact the people I needed to contact because things were set up for me by the time I landed. As much as S said she wanted me to depend on her, I don't like giving away my independence. That was hard on me throughout the process.

So fast forward to this time. A coworker, R, had a major medical emergency and ended up in the hospital. I mentioned I wanted to drop in to see him; I had worked with him all summer in the office and was quite fond of him. S kept saying that R was her "work son", which I found a bit weird. R is not that much younger than S, and as far as I could tell, R was just another coworker that S got along with. But I didn't mention how weird it was... we all processed this event differently and perhaps that was her way of doing so. S mentioned she wanted to wait a few days until things died down. She kept saying that her mother had the same type of emergency and ended up being fine, but I knew it was different with R. This was more serious, but when I tried to tell her, she brushed me off. So when N mentioned she wanted to go see R, I asked if she wanted company. Having lost my mom seven weeks prior, I had spent time in an ICU already and kind of knew the drill. So we went on the second night R was in. I'm glad we went... R's father hadn't arrived yet and R needed the support of his friends and coworkers. R was serious. And being in the ICU was triggering for me. Every smell, every sight, every sound, brought memories back of watching my mother die. Rarely does a day go by, still, that I don't picture her face at that moment.

On the way out, S texted me and mentioned she wanted to go Friday. So I said, N and I have already been but I'll go again. I said I wasn't sure if I could go into the room again because it was upsetting, but I would still go. I knew that if I didn't go in, there were plenty of other people who would go in the room with S and she wouldn't be alone.

So S replied, "Fine. Whatever. I'll go later." I asked, "You're upset?" And no reply for like 12 hours. The next morning, she texted and said "You expected me not to be?!" I was so confused... how could she be upset that I went to see R? How could she be upset that the ICU was triggering for me, *7* weeks after losing my mother? So I lost it. I told her that if this was what she was upset about, she could go fck herself because what an unhinged reason to be mad. She responded with a few lovely texts about how I make everything about myself. How it's all about me, me, me. How she does so much for me in our friendship, as if I contribute nothing in return. And how people mention how they don't know how S couldn't ever stand going on vacation with me. I remember in that conversation, I did, once again, try to explain that I was confused about why she was initially upset. But to no avail. We haven't spoken since.

And I guess I just wish for once, S would put her pride aside and actually recognize that her words hurt too, and maybe apologize. But I've lost hope in that happening. I will miss her because when we're good, we're best friends. But I think this is it. I just don't want to be in the crosshairs of her random outbursts anymore. She doesn't ever want to talk thing out, she just wanted to tear me down until I agree that I was in the wrong, and sometimes it's her that's in the wrong, or sometimes it's both. But it's rarely *just* me. And it would be nice if she recognized that.

Apparently the next day she also went off on our dispatcher C, and our supervisor T. C asked me that day if S was bi-polar and honestly, I've never considered it but it's valid. S's daughter is bi-polar, who S said comes from her father, but S having it too sort of tracks. I hope she gets help.

I do have friends around me. I still have N. I have C. I have the other S. I have J, who I talk to on the phone several nights a week. I have R, who gives THE BEST hugs. I have T, who is constantly asking if I'm okay and telling me I can reach out to him any time. But there are people who no longer talk to me. Like the other, older N, who I used to really get along with. I asked him once and he said one morning I looked at him weird and he took it personally. Like, I'm not a morning person; I look at everyone weird in the morning. The other day, we were talking, four of us. Myself, the other S, another person and the other, older N. The other, older N wouldn't even look at me. It was heartbreaking.

And I guess that's when the spiral thoughts started. That's what J calls them anyway. Not thoughts that I actively want to unalive myself, but thoughts about, why is life worth it?

I think the Supernatural thing is just because I'm becoming sick of the way my body is. I hate that I binge eat and I have so much weight to lose. I'm in my 40s and I don't want to look the way I do forever. So I've been starting cardio, lots of protein in my diet, cutting out sugar and working toward my 5th Conqueror Challenge medal. I chose Salem Witch Trials. I already have Rovaniemi, Scooby Doo, Van Gogh and New York City. If anyone likes collecting things and needs motivation to get moving, I highly recommend these challenges.

I'm also starting to do my research on my journey to a possible autism assessment. My counselor is convinced that I have it and I think she's right. It'll be an AFAB late diagnosis, if it does happen.