@burntnowforever - Tumblr Blog

hii. i've been on and off this site since 2011 but have for the past few years made attempts to be less online... however i missed having a sort of undirected social media experience so here i am again.

i like movies, xiu xiu, the video game OFF (haven't played the remake yet), languages, medical sciences, many other things probably. i vent also a lot about my personal #issue problems but try to retain anything too triggering behind a readmore.

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i'd googled "ortolan hood" thinking people probably used a specialized garment when eating those birds, because i wanted one perhaps to use in video art projects or something, but it turns out they just drape a fucking napkin over themselves?? partner wondered if this started as a pagan thing of any sort bc what omnipotent god isn't going to see through a fucking napkin

#or a hood honestly but my point stands

it's supposed to feel good, i think

#instead it's 3am and i'm in a field puking into a trash bag #i have a purge bruise on my hand now man #today is going to be hell

crashing out at the iop intake coordinator a little bit i fear

#she's new and randomly took over my case when my normal one went on vacation #i don't like her #there's no need to be mean #but i'm frustrated

oh hey bin at the farm. yeah, yeah that's the plan. i brought a knife with me today so i could do it either here or in the bathroom. yeah bandaids too. some pills also. not enough to die just enough to make it all stop for a good 5, maybe 6 hours? yeah. yeah thanks for checking in.

#issue problems

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"[over Hitman gameplay] I hope that when somebody knocks me out with like a baseball bat or a seal club or something that in my last moments I feel all my clothes getting ripped off" stop that's my kink :/

#i will not be tagging the yt channel im quoting bc nobody needs to see me say this lmao.

AND IT DOESNT HELP THAT IM FUCKING UGLY I CANT STAND SEEING MYSELF I TURN OFF MY CAMERA IN THERAPY I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH IM A FAT RANCID WHORE AND A LIAR AND I WISH I WERE ALLOWED TO DIE

why do i just ruin my own day before 9am

#i have to act normal around family all day and i just want to be alone in the dark to die #i just want to die #issue problems

suburban insomniac aimless ambulation

i call her business casuala, folks

#bought this dress at cititrends months ago like just because it looks like something helly r wears and i love her #but just wearing it for the first time is #*now #i love it i think #hate this body when did i get sexy forearms and hands but keep my weird gooey torso

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#[2015 voice] shitposting through the pain #anberlin #dismantle.repair.#honda prelude #(?)#creations

#just a little bit for the second one just conceptually #not really to the extent i actually made that banner for #issue problems

a feeling my brain gives me constantly is feeling like that clip of the little kid in the ghost stories dub crying and saying "these pajamas are gay." hey why didn't you buy ice cream i thought you were buying ice cream? [sobbing breathing through the urge to cut myself] eating is gay

#my continued existence is gay [derogatory]#it's ok bc i have A Suicide Plan now?#i felt so bad one finally just burst into my head almost fully formed #usually i think too hard about details and talk myself out of it #issue problems

i wish i could do far more damage to my body than i already am

#it isn't enough i need to get back on drugs or at least some fucking cigarettes #i need to hurt myself BAD serious lacerations serious bruises; visible and unhidable #the way i feel and everything feels is so far gone so why can't i demonstrate that? why do i have to keep up an appearance like everything #is okay when nothing is fucking okay?#i want people to see me and see how bad it is. not because i wish people would believe me or take me seriously but because im angry anyone #else gets to not see it #i want to cut myself open so deep i need surgery to save an organ from spilling out #i want to do diy lipo on myself and come close to dying #or die that way #and for people to have talk around it painfully and awkwardly for as long as my memory survives #issue problems

i'm trying to make an enormous playlist of songs with themes of shame or humiliation but i just have these so far

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my ex catholic parents inviting me to church bc our catholic relatives incl. nun aunt are in town and it's something to do with them and i've been having a religious slant to my mental illness cptsd self loathing lately but i want to spend time with my aunties

#it was fine it was nothing compared to the psychological torture of trying to go to a restaurant after #i had a diet pepsi and left in a fit when the menu made me too angry because everything was too fucking much and i wasn't ready to order in #time #so yeah feeling kind of weird and out of it and ambiently guilty and half passing out in the bathroom halfway through wasn't so bad

i miss being horny all the time like my release of that was still unhealthy but at least it was a different outlet than starving and cutting and bingeing and purging

#issue problems #cheaper too #1 dildo and some occasional accessories vs buying fast food twice in one morning and then THROWING IT UP

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