why do i just ruin my own day before 9am

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why do i just ruin my own day before 9am

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if i ever jumped in front of a truck with the ease of the relief one feels when they realize suicide is finally an option i knowwww it would be to this song
learning for the first time that mine and my brothers' birthdays are exactly 10 weeks apart bc i was doing math to see when i could reach certain gws and i could ideally/hopefully/theoretically reach one on mine and the next one on his lmao
i haven't tried to draw since the time i got too close to my own emotions and ripped through some pages in my journal unintentionally. i haven't really tried to do anything. i wanted to go the hospital but i really, genuinely just want to die now. i don't have likely good outcomes in life and this isn't going to stop.

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the gaining 4lbs things really has removed almost all inhibitions against actions like "throw body against wall or object or bludgeon body until medical attention is needed" i think when i get a chance punching a wall until hands are damaged would be the way to go since my other options are officially either layed out or exhausted im alone in this doctors office and i just want to injure myself as quickly as possible. im supposed to come into possession of a small baseball bat soon.
I JUST WANT TO CUT MYSELF OPEN LIKE HER AND BE EMPTY AND THEN FUCKING DIE PLEASE I DONT WANT ANYTHING ELSE I WANT TO GUT MYSELF OF THIS FILTH AND THEN MAKE EVERYTHING ELSE FUCKING STOP PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!